I don't normally post to you, but I thought these two paragraphs would help some who are reading your thread. Jack3Beans over on the MLC Forum posted the paragraphs in a new thread he's created today and they are very, very wise words:
"Your children are not your support during this process, you do not use them against the MLCer. You do not make them into allies, you protect them, and you are their support. You do your best to kill the vicious cycle and prevent your children from going down the MLC road later on in life and doing this to another person.
You could get through this if only they didn't do this to the children. The children do not become your excuse to be angry at your spouse. You take on the responsibility of a single parent now and you become the best single parent in the world. Shower your kids with love, but, very important you also have the responsibility to raise good people later. Bear that in mind, do not over compensate. Your children will be ok as long as you are."
When dealing w/children, especially very young children, reassure them that they are going to be okay. Tell them that you and mommy love them. You can reassure them by letting them know that you will be there for them and that they can talk to you about anything. Be sure to reassure them that they are not the cause of the situation as well. Validate their thoughts/concerns/feelings. This will help them to know that you care. I don't advise sharing too much of the situation between mommy and daddy w/them. This usually can stir up the anxiety just a wee bit and do not talk to them as if they are adults because they truly do not understand why their parents are separated/divorces.
Cld, I'm glad that you take time out to ask yourself if your actions are in the best interest of the children. It's important not to use the children as "weapons or bargaining chips" w/the separated/divorced spouse. It's also important not to say things to the children that can be taken back to their mommy, such as promising that you and mommy may get back together in a couple of years or you aren't going to date, etc. Children have a way of holding on to these statements and will revisit them if things fall through or you do get involved w/someone else down the road. It's best to keep those comments to ourselves because children do have a way of taking that info back to mommy and asking her about it. Children are the innocents here and we need to help them remain innocent for as long as possible. Kids today are growing up too fast and not experiencing their childhoods in a healthy manner. What is going on between mommy and daddy needs to stay in the adult arena.
I also want to point out that both women and men will stretch the truth when it comes to separation/divorce. It is up to your lawyers to work w/each party and document the financials, address the restraining orders, as well as any allegations of child abuse, custody issues, etc. Documentation is then presented in court to the judge to determine if documentation is valid or not. Not all judges believe the lies both women and men present. There are some good judges out there, just as there are some good lawyers. Bottom line, it's not just women who will go to extreme lengths to get what they want in a settlement...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"You deserve to be happy, and keeping this hope alive of her changing her mind even after the divorce is finalized ... that is not helping you to move forward. "
That's an individual's choice. You can still have a very fulfilling life. You just don't make the X a central part of yours. Alot of people don't understand that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, Michelle Weiner Davis says "Don't lose hope, she will come back, you just have to believe that she will". See video below https://youtu.be/WHvV55IpAxk
I may be interpreting Mr. Bond's posting the wrong way, but I don't think I am. I don't think Mr. Bond is saying to move on. He's saying to move forward. Moving forward is living your life to the fullest and yet, you can leave the door ajar. It means that you don't just sit there in the same place that the spouse has left you and just wait and wait and don't experience life. It means you live your life and go out there and enjoy yourself and do the things you've not done in a long time or you learn new things as you walk the path. This also doesn't mean you have to date someone, but you certainly could meet some new people who enjoy the same interests as you. That's why we emphasize GAL here...to keep people moving forward and learning how to keep the focus on themselves and their children.
My interpretation of moving on is doing just that...it's over and you are moving on and not looking back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think there is anything wrong in staying in the exact same place where I was before. I don't feel like doing anything new or extravagant. In fact I just want to show the kids that nothing has changed other than mommy not living at home anymore. I want to look like a rock to them. My wife is acting like the wind right now, she is running left and right. Not me, I am the rock, I am the mountain and what she is doing is only temporary and unimportant. I will be there when she comes back to her senses.
This is qtx411's thread, but I did want to respond to what Cld said.
"I will be there when she comes back to her senses."
You are still under the impression that this is a momentary lapse of insanity. It may and it may not be. Either way it's what your W believes she needs to do in order to grow and be happy. It has become a part of her. By you constantly denying it with your reasoning about her past, etc. shows that you're not trying to understand where she's coming from. Put it this way, the next OM that comes along is going to do exactly that. Listen to her and understand her POV. You don't have to agree with what she's doing but she has a right to do so.
qtx411, it's up to you what you want to do, but it comes down to you. If you don't want your W any more, then move on with someone else. Although I would suggest learning to be happy without someone so your happiness isn't tied to another person.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, She left, not me. If she wants to come back together she needs to put 100% of the effort into that, not me. I would much rather not interact with her if she keeps being negative and complaining, and right now that's all she is doing. I am waiting for the positive smiling wife to come back, not the person that possessed her body lately.
"If she wants to come back together she needs to put 100% of the effort into that, not me. I would much rather not interact with her if she keeps being negative and complaining, and right now that's all she is doing. I am waiting for the positive smiling wife to come back, not the person that possessed her body lately."
You do understand that this shows more arrogance on your part. She left you, yet you create a standard that she has to meet in order to come back to you. She's gone. She's her own person. The person who she is now just might be the person she really is. Your non-acceptance of that shows that you are concentrating on her than on you. Everyone who has saved their M has learned to let go and accept the way their spouse has become with no control on the part of the LBS.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
As I said before. If this is really the way she is going to be from now on I don't want to interact with her and I don't think that any sane man would want that either, not for very long. They might use her for sex, but that's it.
