Sounds like some of the MLC lingo used. Keep in mind, depression is the main ingredient and depression can make people numb to feelings/emotions. They don't get excited about things any longer and everything can look blah to them.
To be quite honest, there's nothing you can say at this time to change his thoughts about being romantic. He's got to work this out for himself. Sometimes AD's will help and even IC, but if he's truly in MLC, the IC won't help at this early stage...maybe later down the line...but right now, his mind is made up that there is a problem and that problem is you. The old saying "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do" holds true. You can't change his perception of the situation at this time.
You are a fixer, and as a fixer, you want to fix him and the situation. You can't. The only thing you can do is work on yourself. If he's pointed out things that you've done in the past, take a good, long, hard look at those complaints and work on some of them. Make a list of the things that you would like to do and then start doing them. Can you remember what you were like when you met him? Go back to that time and think about it...what attracted you to him? This is where I would start my chapter of reclaiming yourself, make that list and start working on it. Notice, I keep saying making lists and working on them? That's to get you to focus on YOU. YOU can't fix him, he has to do it. You can't control him and what he's thinking or doing, but you can control how you deal w/your situation.
I knew he was going to say that if you had been doing those things he identified long ago, things wouldn't be in the position you are in right now. MLC speak. Don't pretzel yourself for him. Be yourself, be happy w/yourself and how you live your life. No matter what you say or do, he will not be happy w/you and the situation. You could lay golden eggs and it wouldn't make him happy. Depression has him in her claws right now.
Time to make those lists and see what you come up with. Leave him be, give him space and time and do things on your own. He really does need to figure things out for himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maly, thanks for your support ! I wish I knew how to detach ! He's at home and I'm not pushing anything because he does not monster a lot but his lack of commitment or enthusiasm for anything really kill me!
H. has announced he's traveling to a different country to go fishing ! He's bragging about the sports car he's going to rent, anything else could be added to the picture? Can't believe such an intelligent man cannot see the signs of this MLC!!!!!
All he does is talk about this and he tells me and the kids all the details. I want some tips about how to go about it. Should I pretend I don't care? Should I show I'm all enthusiastic and happy for him? The other day I didn't show a lot of interest and he made a comment about it.
I'm so hurt it didn't cross his mind to include everybody in the family.
It's so difficult ! I'm living with three teenagers at home
Since he's on a "high" at the moment, I would listen and tell him the trips sounds like fun. You don't have to go over the moon gushing about it. Let me ask this...how would you behave if a co-worker or a neighbor were to tell you about this trip? When you have your answer...that's how you probably should react to his comments.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job! Thinking of / treating him as a neighbor may make it easier. I sort of sense he would have another excuse to be angry if I don't show interest on his trip.
I followed your advice and bought a couple of books on male depression. It's definitely what he's also experiencing !
All you can do is listen to what he's saying about his past and validate his thoughts. You could say something like "h, I'm sorry you feel like you lost out during your teen years". There's really not much you cay say because you don't know the whole story about what happened.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
when my XH was still home and around, we got along really well as long as my responses were validating and positive
If we are critical, that justify their reasons for leaving hard as it is nothing you can really do about his lost adolescence except be compassionate continue to focus and take care of you
while he is on his fishing trip, make some plans to have some fun of your own or take up a new hobby
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I wanted to update my situation and ask for some words of advice.
I've just discovered my H was having an EA. I'm destroyed at the fact he lied to me. I was sort of suspecting sthg but finding out is a terrible shock, even if it is EA.
I tried to stay as calm as possible. He said he was willing to leave the house but that he wanted to stay. He's at home, ashamed and afraid the kids may get to know. I told him they didn't need to know about that because he would stay as a liar in front of them, which would devastate him.
He has accepted all the accusations I made and has stopped contact with this younger girl. I'm not sure if it is because he's afraid of losing me or afraid of it becoming known to all. But he has stopped contact. I would have liked reassurance that he stopped contact because of me but it did not happen.
Can this help him through the tunnel? He has said it was the first time he broke rules ever since adolescence. He feels he has brought about this himself because he has a selfish and self-destructive mind.
How should I react? How will things go on from now on? I would try to let it go if it can really get him out of the fog.
Any word of advice will really help me.
Last edited by job; 03/30/1706:30 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
