advice on this one

[peacetoday]

Hi

My XH or his wife or Step daughter 19(not sure who) again posted something on this fake Facebook page,

That Facebook page was created by my D now 21, when they first tried to contact her last year and this page is a fake ,,it is only D and them(no other friends) My daughter did not want to accept them on her real page-

They sometimes post pictures..I never check anymore-but she told me they sent an impersonal message from [messenger)
Im not sure what messenger is and maybe it sends random requests out when you get the app

that says something like
XXX requests your number and theirs is on there--first time they gave her his or someones phone number
thats it -
no name..no how are you,,seemed very ROBOT LIKE_

Previously its been 9 years since bomb and about 6-7 no contact
I think it is a fake request because of the impersonal request -

either way until he mans up to ask my D for a conversation and signs his name --I will assume it is a fake or his lovely wife..who has psych issues

any thoughts appreciated

Peace

[job]

Peace,

I would advise your daughter to contact FB and have the page taken down. She can block them on her real page if she doesn't want them posting to it, as well as changing her settings to allow only her friends to see what she's posted and she can make things private as well.

[peacetoday]

Job

Thanks

so maybe your right take the page down…
he has no other way to contact her though if he tries

But DO you think if he wants to contact her and really wants to he will find a way
they do have access to our business number and address as well and our address
he could write if he means it-

they live about 1500 miles away
I do believe his wife is the real owner of their page not him
but I do believe it is them running the page..just not sure why as there are no other friends besides D

Thanks

[job]

If your xh truly wants to contact your daughter, he will find a way to do it.

FB is an easy target for the wife or any of her friends to post stuff on it and yes, they are hoping your daughter will share the info w/you and create a change reaction of sorts.

Take it down...both of you will feel better for doing so.

[Sotto]

Just a thought, but if your D would like to keep the door open, you could say that you don't want to post a phone number online, but the original address is unchanged if he wants to contact you there.

That way if there is contact, you/she would know it is him and not OW....

You could then take the page down if that's what you think is best?

[peacetoday]

Thank you Job and Sotto

I get to work


and there is a message on work phone

it is XH…he is slurring and drunk on the message
sounded desperate ..miserable and in tears
First contact in 6-7 years--

this was a guy who had numerous years in recovery in AA
He asked if I would contact his old friends from AA and give them his number which he left
He said he is not doing good and sort of apologized saying "he knows he messed up" first time Ive ever heard that

went on to say he needs help and wants to get out of the situation he is in (M)
saying
Its not good for him--but He was drunk

I gave his old friends his number and one called him and called me back
but xh was drunk and friend didn't know if xh was willing to stop drinking and go to meetings

I don't know if he will/can get sober again
its a serious disease

I won't call him..If he is serious he will have to dig himself out of the mess he created..definitely makes me sad to see him hurting that much but also confirms some of my suspicions about him

[job]

peace,

Apparently he's hitting close to bottom. It's been a long time coming and I pray that he hits bottom hard and gets the help he needs.

He knew that if he contacted you, that you would contact his AA friends his number. He knew he could rely on you to help get the message to them.

You've done what he asked of you...now it's up to him to either sink or float. He's the only one that can help himself.

[peacetoday]

Job
yes now i can let go
Nothing more I can do
he may or may not get sober again
if he doesn't get sober..there is no chance to reconnect especially for the kids
it may take a bit of time as well to see what he chooses-
thank you for your input
appreciated

[peacetoday]

Job

I keep thinking about XH since the Voice message
I know its a long shot, but if he got sober again - he may again connect with his kids

Do You think His reach out to me was a form of reconnection?
He could have gone direct to his old friends --Im sure he could have googled their phone numbers.
he didn't have to go through me
He has had no contact with any of them for 6-7 years either
Thanks

[job]

peace,

I think you are over thinking the contact. I think he was in a dark, desperate place and skimmed the bottom of the barrel. He knew that you would take the step to contact his friends for him. He was afraid that his friends would tell him what they think or give him the cold shoulder.

Do I think it's a form of reconnection? In my opinion, no. If he does get sober and start cleaning up his act, he could very well begin the process of reconnecting w/his old life, especially his kids and then go from there.

But for now? I think he was in a bad way and needed to reach out to someone w/o them turning him away.

Keep the focus on you!

[peacetoday]

Job

I think you are right

Im letting go again

Thanks-

[123Gwen]

Peace-

Just wanted to send you my best. The vanishing act feels very confusing and then trying to discern his phone call. My sitch involves WAS/OW going on a little over two years. Left all of us (me, D's, friends) behind. So odd and while addiction was not obvious - who knows?

Glad you were able to fullfill his request. Even though your post is resolute I imagine it took a lot of emotional energy.

Props and much respect peace.

[beatrice]

Peace - calls out of the blue are unsettling (I know about this!).

All you can do is be as kind as possible and try (as Job said) not to over think. If he contacts you again in the next few weeks/months (we all know what time is like for a MLCer) then he could be moving forward.

But as I have posted - this isn't about you and never was. These are his demons to own and deal with. Sadly we and our kids are collateral damage.

[peacetoday]

Gwen

Thanks so much
It was unsettling to hear from him and I was so surprised

I am grateful..I have not tried to contact him even though Im thinking about him
I would love the story to end a different way..but as we all know we can't fix them

Beatrice,
Thank you..I know it is not me and we do pay the price,,but thankfully the kids seem to be adjusted,,its been so long and fairly common these days unfortunately
Divorce seems the norm, so my kids see it as nothing unusual

I went back on their fake Facebook page only because I was trying to log out and noticed they posted they were checking in to a hotel in my state a few days ago

Not sure if this is true and they rarely post..
wondering if he/they will show up one day at work?

Thanks

[forward]

I agree that when people really want to contact someone, esp in this day and age, they have a way. Take down the page.

I can't imagine how your kids feel but they may need some pre-emptive counseling in case he does come back into their lives, or tries to. Consider that maybe it's good he's not in their lives if he is having these major issues. A counselor could help you prepare them for this.

or if you can't do a counselor, take the kids to Al Alnon? It may benefit them to know where their father may be, in terms of the disease, and how to handle their feelings.

The kids are vulnerable when they have been neglected and need to be prepped for possible attempts at contact.

Or if they aren't, try to talk to thm on the off chance that he does show up.