What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[Coconut]

RSG, it's a nice thought, but just before I signed the listing agreement I threw out the question if she really wanted to go that route, selling the house is the first step of D and she didn't even blink. It's more an issue of I have always taken care of everything, and She wants me to do this too, but I'm no longer the Man of the house, just the man of me and My S.

Rose, I told her if we use her friend as the realtor then it's her baby, or we could use a neutral realtor and I would be involved... She chose this route. I'm not trying to control her, I'm just letting her know what's going to happen if she doesn't get busy, and she's still just sitting on her Azz.

All that needs to happen is for her to clean the house so her friend can come over and take pictures. She had a 4 day weekend, no cleaning. She came home from work yesterday and watched TV for 3 hours before heading out, no cleaning. She's stalling, I don't know why but I haven't said a word since making it clear that I won't be here too much longer to help out.

[Coconut]

Oh, on a side note after asking my cousin not to post stuff about W on FB after she complained to me, I had gone back to him and apologized for asking him that, I can't control him and he can do whatever he wants (that was about 6 weeks ago)...

Yesterday he posted something and I asked him if he would stop the postings for me, I told him I'm trying to lose the anger and his posts sometimes trigger me, that I didn't want to unfollow him, which is why I was asking. He agreed to do it for me as long as it was me asking and not WW complaining. Then about 4 hrs later he text me to say WW just sent him a very long text trying to explain herself and telling him she doesn't like his texts.. He asked me if I wanted to read it...

Are you ready for the new coconut, I said "no", it would probably just make me angry.. Truth be told, I really want to see what she had to say, but I'm controlling myself (pat on back).. He said no worries, he just asked her if she would be willing to meet.

[RSG]

Oh well, just threw it out there!
Good for you for letting her know that, if she chose that option re realtor then she needs to do the work.

Nice to hear you're working on those triggers. It's hard for me, I can imagine it's harder for you. Where are you looking at restarting things?

[Coconut]

Where are you looking at restarting things?

I'm looking for anyplace near the smoky mountains.. Areas that I'm applying for positions are in Chattanooga, TN / Knoxville, TN / Greeneville, SC / Asheville, NC..

I've always wanted to live in the country, get into hiking / camping, off-roading, hunting, etc.. When I met my W, I was actively looking for a job so I could go, then after meeting her we weren't able to move due to my sons biological father so we had always planned on moving once he went to college. I'll just be doing it a year and a half earlier now.

[Coconut]

Wow, what a difference a few days can make. So after my last blow up with my W, I really decided I needed/wanted to get past my anger. I always felt stressed, I was uncomfortable being in the same room as her, and the emotional rollercoaster of every little trigger was exhausting.

I really made a conscious decision to get over myself, to accept where I am and how I got here, and that I had to own my happiness and not let it be hinged to the actions of others.

I started by making her a cup of coffee (my daily post BD AOS)apologized to her, letting her know that I was ashamed of myself for how I acted, that regardless of her actions she didn't deserve to be treated like that, and really offered her a heart felt apology. I then told her I didn't want to harbor this anger towards her anymore, that I needed to learn to get along with her (well enough to be in the same room) for the sake of future with S.

Then I started saying hello, goodbye and making every attempt to be civil, including her in conversations with S when she was around, and just really trying to be neighborly.

About two days ago, W asks me if I am going to sons Open House at school, I told her that I don't think I'm going to go (and she kinda huffed out of frustration), I then followed up with unless son is going (he usually doesn't) and wants me to go. I told her that since I wouldn't be living with son, I don't really need the info that is provided during the open house.

Then yesterday, W says (in front of son) that her and son are going to get frozen yogurt and I'm welcome to go. I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea (I'm not interested in family time) but I appreciated her asking.

Now my W's complaints about me where that I wasn't involved with family activities, and I was starting to get the sense that me declining these offers gave her the impression that nothing has changed with me. So this morning I addressed it with her, I told her that while I appreciated her inviting me to these activities, I signed up to be her husband, the Man of the house. Since I am no longer in that position, I am not interested in being friends with her and playing family, I told her my interest lies in being a father and continuing to find myself and moving on.

I let her know that I felt like her asking me to go get yogurt in front of son put me in an awkward position, because while I don't want to play family, I don't want my son thinking I would rather watch TV than go get yogurt with him. I told her that if it a special occasion and she thinks I may want to go, to ask me privately so we can discuss.

[cbtdad]

And the pursuit and withdrawal game continues:) Lol
The more you withdraw she is going to pursue.
That's why I think it's imperative not to make any major decisions so soon
Because things have a way of changing. As you just noted just in a matter of a few days no less:)
I'm going to go back to what I told you weeks ago buddy. I would just continue to work on you and he man you want to become. There is no reason to rush to a new job and sell the house right away. Just my opinion.

[RDS]

I let her know that I felt like her asking me to go get yogurt in front of son put me in an awkward position, because while I don't want to play family, I don't want my son thinking I would rather watch TV than go get yogurt with him. I told her that if it a special occasion and she thinks I may want to go, to ask me privately so we can discuss.

What was her response to this?

[Coconut]

I let her know that I felt like her asking me to go get yogurt in front of son put me in an awkward position, because while I don't want to play family, I don't want my son thinking I would rather watch TV than go get yogurt with him. I told her that if it a special occasion and she thinks I may want to go, to ask me privately so we can discuss.

What was her response to this?

She only said OK, no other response from her at all.

cbtdad,
I don't think I want to play the wait and see. I'm really wanting (can't really say ready) to move on with life, if things change in the future, we could always reconnect later if it's in the cards. I'm really really excited about moving, and while I know I will still be excited in a year or two, I dread the thought of waiting.

it's often said it doesn't seem like I want to get divorced, and I would agree that I don't, but in many ways, I do feel as though I would be happier if I do. I'm not saying I couldn't be happy if I stay with my W, but I am not sure that I would be any less happy (after getting past the mourning of my M) on my own.

Again I'll say that if my W did everything she could to save our M, I would jump on board and do whatever I could to make it work, I just don't want to wait and see if she's going to do that. I don't think she is, she doesn't show any remorse or embarrassment about what she did, she doesn't think twice about bragging about her FF accomplishments and accepting accolades for them (it seems that if I had an A at the station, it would make me feel guilty if someone said something like I am such a great role model), so I don't think that we will ever find median ground to meet on.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

I have been following along your thread. Sorry to have been MIA for some time.

To this day, I STILL do think that you and W have a chance of successfully reconciling the M. The real problem is you are letting your anger and festering resentment get in the way which trips you up every.single.time.

I cannot help, but wonder if you are running away from your own emotions by applying to those states. A change of scenery will be the external band-aid while the same issues remain on the inside unresolved. Why? I do not think you attend IC regularly which is probably why you are having those up and down...and sideways emotions.

And your son?

To this day, I remain in close contact with my stepmother on a weekly basis even if my parents divorced when I was aged 11. Let me ask you: what kind of relationship will there be with your son if you moved away?

Food for thought.

[BluWave]

Coconut,

I have been following along your thread. Sorry to have been MIA for some time.

To this day, I STILL do think that you and W have a chance of successfully reconciling the M. The real problem is you are letting your anger and festering resentment get in the way which trips you up every.single.time.

I cannot help, but wonder if you are running away from your own emotions by applying to those states. A change of scenery will be the external band-aid while the same issues remain on the inside unresolved. Why? I do not think you attend IC regularly which is probably why you are having those up and down...and sideways emotions.

And your son?

To this day, I remain in close contact with my stepmother on a weekly basis even if my parents divorced when I was aged 11. Let me ask you: what kind of relationship will there be with your son if you moved away?

Food for thought.

DITTO. On ALL points!