The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

Debated briefly on changing thread name, realized I could just keep this one the rest of my life. If I ever stop fighting for self, I would ask you to shoot me, but I will already be dead.

Do believe this is old one, moderator please fill if not?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696163&page=1

Will give more later tonight. Total long term GAL, finishing Graduate school began tonight, or so I thought. I had the wrong day, class is actually tomorrow - typical me. Anyway, free'd some time up. Dog walk in the immediate future.

[CT1118]

New here, been here? So you want detached. So many are waiting/wanting to be detached. I have only been here since the start of July and now we are almost at the start of September. Detached seems like this holy grail in the distance for so many wanting. I would point to two things on that:
1. The old idiom, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
2. listen to the repetition we all receive when we get here, what is in the MWD books we were all told to read...essentially, whatever you do, have a goal.
So we read about detachment in these advanced threads, where people have bled emotions for months. The heroes of Newcomers like RSG, Surfer, Coconut, and Cherry (to name a few, all here are heroes in my book) - yet they all have different view points and different approaches, you may begin with many, but eventually stick w/ the thread which you prefer the most. And then we call out to the old guards, like Sandi, god love her, she has paid her dues and still continues to pay it forward; I wish we did not need her so bad, but she is so freaking good.

What is your goal of detachment and what do you want by it? Seriously, ask yourself that. Please. I may have, but do not recall crying out for detachment. All I wanted when I got here was a way to make my W hear me. She can't, "they" won't. And to get to detachment, I had not plan or goal. To arrive here, I suffered severe bouts of anger, acrimony, and loving confusion which I called detachment. All in a circle, all in an hour, all in confused time. But when I arrived, I was certain, there was no mistake.

Let me tell you, detachment is not pain free. Detachment does not mean you do not have to set time aside to visit the prisoner. Detachment does not mean you have attained expertise. Detachment is not the end of questions. Feeling detachment for the first time means you just got invited to the party, but not that you know anyone. When you get there, will you walk in and introduce yourself or will will you hug the wall until you talk yourself into feeling unwelcome and retreat back to the solitude of your home, hoping when/if the next invitation arrives you are ready for it?
I wanted to post a gentle reminder to all who post on the DB Forums that we need to remember that we have all walks of life that post here as well as lurkers. The DB Forums have some of the most wonderful people posting, but we do tend to sometimes get caught up in the moment and forget what we accepted in the "terms and conditions" for posting here.

One of the "terms and conditions" that is in the Policies thread that Cadet has posted is stated as: "Participants shall treat each other with respect, refraining from rudeness and foul language."

Let's try to be as respectful as possible to all posters. Each and every poster that comes here is hurting and yes, some are angry and disappointed in their spouses and/or partners. Let's try to be patient, listen to what they have to say and remember...we all have different opinions on how a situation should be handled. Let's not forget that we were in their shoes a while back and weren't ready to hear what the posters had to offer in the way of advice and/or pearls of wisdom.

Please try to keep the language as clean as possible. I realize that we all tend to forget that we aren't sitting around w/a group of friends just shooting the breeze and anything that we say is okay, however, we do need to be mindful of those who do come here to read our postings and sometimes the language can be offensive to others.

We all have been there and done that...so let's help each other keep the respect alive and the language as clean as possible.
I have said it before, nothing interesting will ever happen in your life while you sit by yourself in your place. Nothing amazing will come of deciding you cannot go out and meet people, nothing remarkable will come from sacrificing yourself only to your children because your spouse gives so little, nothing will be if you refuse to be.

Will you not change because of the security your old life provided? Will you refuse the adventure because of fear? Will you not accept your own journey as an individual because you have been conditioned to think it requires two? If I come as one, will you refuse to embrace me?

We all, and I mean all, want those other people back (why else be here). But detachment might just let you feel the wind on your face, blowing your ears back, and smelling the life, just like a dog's head out an open window. If you read this before you have detached, let these be the questions you ask, let this be your goal. Detachment equals moments. It gives you moments back. Not all of them, but some. Once you have some moments back, you may begin to ask "How I feel right now, how can I hold onto this?" And you will begin to seek it. Only then do you stand a chance of becoming someone so amazing that others will seek you. That may include your spouse, and it may not; hopefully by the, it will include you.

- CT1118, American Bad A$$. Still in the Fight.

[Altair]

CT,
Impressive.
The men here continue to impress me with their innermost thoughts.

[hawker]

Good post CT! I spent most of the summer inside my house or in my pool. I didn't feel like going out and being social. I was miserable!!! I started making myself get out more and more and I have felt so much better! I still have my moments but you are correct in saying that is our chance to be amazing to yourself and others! Thanks for your posts you are inspiring!

[albac]

Well said CT,

The journey for some has been short so far and for others very long.
I'm almost 8 months since separation now.

I would not say I am detached yet but I'm certainly not the quiet nice guy I was 2 months ago. We all go about this our own way with help from what we can relate to on here. I have followed Sandi's advice the most as it speaks to me.

For the last month now I took Sandis advice and now take each day as if I was the one who left and not my W. It has made things so much easier. Don't get me wrong it is so hard as the interactions I have with my W are actually fun and we both get along great which is the stupid part of all this. So i am sacrificing those interactions for the greater goal of a R.

The point is detached or not do what works. When it doesn't work maybe try another approach. I'm with you though CT I think being fully detached comes at the point when you are fully willing to move on in life and leave them in the past. I am closer now then ever. It is still a daily struggle but i can see that my life can be great without her. That's the goal anything else is a bonus.

Again great post CT you seem to be in a good place with your thoughts.

[ForGump]

CT you ever do phone consult w/ MWD's group? Do they advise anything different than detach, GAL?

[job]

CT,

Very well said. Sounds like you've been doing some soul searching, which is good and I like the fact that you've come here to tell posters how you feel about detachment.

[CT1118]

Cadet - point taken. thank you sir.

FG - no I have not. However I would have surely used them if I could have afforded it. My W makes much more than I do, dropping to just my salary and sharing half of the costs for our s4's daycare has been crushing from a monetary standpoint. But, if can take the cost, why not go for it. All I know is what I have read, which appears to regard staying friend, but would rather someone first hand answer that for you.

[CT1118]

I spoke to my benefits people yesterday. Seems I am allotted a free 60 minute legal council as part of my employment package. I was actually there looking for financial advice to help with debt and the legal thing got mentioned. "Why not, its part of my salary" I thought and I did not even know it existed for me.

So I made the call to set it all up. Still do not want divorce, but hey, why not get some advice? So I called and found the entire thing to be like a satyr of television America. I am also skeptical by nurture (read my old threads if you need further insight into my head). Keep in mind, this call was just to set up a meeting, not the meeting itself.

First thing, before my name even, I am informed the call must be recorded (she said must, not will) and then I was asked if that was ok? I told her "the must did not indicate choice, so I guess it must be ok if I wish to proceed, correct?" She said that I was correct. Get my name and ask why I want advice "I am separated". Phone woman "Ok sir, let me ask you questions to get you to the correct divorce attorney".
"Wait, I did not say I wanted to get a divorce, I said I am separated. I just want to know what my legal standing is at this time"

Phone woman "Ok sir, these are things I have to say. How long have you been legally separated?"

"I am not legally separated, we are just apart and it has been for 6 months"

Phone woman "Ok, when will you be seeking legal separation?"

"I won't be if I have any say in it. I just want to speak with a lawyer and ask them the legal questions I have about my life. Such as shared debt and state laws"

Phone woman"Sir, would you expect this divorce to be uncontested or will there be contest"

"I don't know. I am not planning on divorcing, I want to be prepared if it comes, that's all"

Phone woman "so its that a yes?"

"No. I said I don't know"

Phone woman "Will you expect there to be a custody battle during the divorce?"

" I am sorry, I am not sure I have been clear. I am not seeking to divorce and do not know what the future holds. I just want to get an appointment with a lawyer"

Phone woman " we have to ask these questions sir, is t your answer yes?"

"No, my answer is I do not know"

Phone woman "Will you be the one filing for divorce in these proceedings?"

"Ok, I am sorry, all of your questions are geared towards divorce. I said I am separated and just want to speak with a lawyer about being separated. That's it, that's what I know. If you have any further questions with the word divorce in them, my answer is 'I don't know'".

So at this point she stopped asking questions and said she would simply mail me the closest law firm which deals with family matters and accepts my benefits. I said that sounds great. I know many people here have dealt w/ lawyers in these MR sitches. This just blew me away by how geared toward D society is. Perhaps I am naive. I do recall reading what MWD said in cptr 1 of DR about lawyers. But wow, how correct she was.

[ForGump]

CT -- I once worked for a state university, and took advantage of free legal counsel offered for legal matters not related to divorce. Your experience reminds me of what I went through. You were not dealing w/ a law office -- you were dealing with a company that administers the benefit. In any case, I think your point is still valid, that divorce is just very common. I mean, we all know it: 50% of first marriages, 60% of the second, etc. My recommendation is to be patient and tolerant of the stupid bureaucracy, and just give them answers they want. And then when you finally have time with a lawyer, talk about issues you really want to talk about. My experience with lawyers is that they vary a lot. Some are very aggressive, others are too passive, and hopefully you can find one that fits your philosophy just right.