Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 4)

[ForGump]

What would make you feel good, JR? Whatever that is, do it. I guess that's the hard thing ... it's hard to know what'll make us feel good.

I'm really ready to let my narcissist W go. Focusing on my kids is what's making me feel like [censored]. They don't deserve this.

[ForGump]

JRuss -- what do you think about this forum and privacy? Are you concerned at all so many private information and thoughts are shared here? One careless error and your spouse reads everything. One subpoena and everything you wrote is heard by the court. One serious hacker and all your messages associate emails and IP address are exposed.

[JRuss]

I'm not too worried about spouse reading everything (I post from work, and it's my server) or a subpoena (would have to be served on DB, and I just don't see that, especially if she never has reason to know about it). The hacker could be a risk, and I truthfully hadn't considered it.

[AndrewP]

This site is definitely part of the public domain. I've noticed that google will spider the site within minutes of a post just search:
myhandle site:divorcebusting.com
and you'll see what any amateur sleuth will find. I think most of us are fairly careful and it would require a subpoena to get the login information I'm sure to "prove" who is posting. With that said I don't worry about it too much. There have been in fact a few times I've wondered if W has been here and a number of things I've written that I wished she would read.

As far as the trip goes I can tell you my own story. I had a week long business trip at the end of May. I knew the A was in full bloom and my "Plan A" was to follow the DB philosophy and go dark and have her "miss me". On the other hand I was terrified that she'd take my absence as an opportunity to put the A on full force. I was also very worried that she'd use my absence to strip the house and move out. What I ended up doing was acting like normal. I'd send her a good morning message, a good night message, small updates through the day etc. I was on Messenger with her one night and actually got a couple of responses before she cut off. No responses to my other messages at all.

When I got back home W was almost literally shaking with stress - there were a couple of other things happening at the time as well that could have added to it. She said that she had had a horrible week - I asked no details. Did I "ruin her fun"? Don't know. Did I set back my DBing? Don't know. "I" felt good that I had behaved like a responsible husband. Did it make any difference? Probably not.

[Altair]

I don't think this site is very secure (php forum, no SSL??) Just sayin', wish they'd bone it up.

[ForGump]

JR,

"Going dim" and trying to be mysterious ... all seem silly to me. I like AP's point: what diff did things make? Probably none.

Call your kids every night because you love them.

Your W... what would you do w/ a housemate? Call her every night?

Actually -- forget what I said. Call MWD's people. Ask them what they would do. They probably know better than any of us in the forum.

[MoveFrwd]

What would make you feel good, JR? Whatever that is, do it. I guess that's the hard thing ... it's hard to know what'll make us feel good.

Frankly, I wholeheartedly disagree with this.

What you DO should be based on your long term goals. Not based on what you feel.

Do I want to eat chocolate cake every day for dinner? Hell yes.
Does it feel good? Hell yes.
Will it get me closer to my long term goal of losing 25 pounds? Of course not.

[EDF]

I feel like the key point is that the wayward needs to realize you are not a permanent plan B, and hopefully feel your unavailability/loss.

Going dark/dim, not pursuing, detaching from the emotional rollercoaster, GAL, etc - all of those are tools that accomplish the above while also helping you get yourself sorted out.

WW will have zero chance to miss you if you're always there helping out or always in contact. WW is in a bad place emotionally and heaping the bulk of the blame for their woes on the LBS - while you stay present and in contact WW has no chance to realize that their life is still messed up even when you're not there, and maybe you're not really the cause of everything bad.

I would recommend staying polite/friendly (but end things first) if she contacts you, otherwise just stay in touch with your kids. Let your wife see the strong independent you, who will be fine without her.

[JRuss]

FG -- going dim would be for me primarily. I'm way, way too attached, still, mainly because I share a house and the MBR, act like we're happy in front of the kids, still on occasion (though they are dwindling) sleep with my wife and, generally, play like I'm married except for this f-ed up elephant always standing there in the corner.

I need to see if I can do it. I focus on her issues a lot, but where do MY issues start? Can I even go dim at this point, or will I invent some stupid excuse to contact her? I want to see. She's told me she needs space that I can't usually give her because, unless I'm GALing, I'm at home trying to soak up as much kid time as I can before she blows it all up. Well, this is almost 2,000 miles of space for 4-5 days, and she'll have it if I can sack up and not be a girly man trying to call her and text her.

I guess it might help our overall sitch, but I'm not optimistic at this point. In fact, I think I'm in just about the same place you are in terms of long-term outlook, i.e., there isn't one at present. Detachment is a prerequisite to personal happiness, though, so baby steps.

[JRuss]

So, anyway, I violated DB principles (as I understand them) this AM before work by asking my W how a difficult case she's working on at work has been going. She's been working long hours and is really stressed out, feels like she's neglecting the kids -- just really worked up and upset. My question slipped out before I thought about it, but it also occurs to me that a friendly roommate might very well have asked the same question.

Anyway, she went off on a 10-minute, profane (certainly by her standards) tirade about how she's not respected at work, how she ruined her career by taking a back seat to mine while our kids were little, how she's failed at her work, her marriage, how she's "stuck". You get the picture. She was going so hard I didn't even have an opportunity to validate before she was onto the next portion of the tirade.

She eventually calmed down and helped get the kids ready for school as she typically does. At one point when they weren't listening, she told me something like "Listen -- just quit caring about me. I don't want you to care about me. I wouldn't if I were you." I told her I heard her and she has every right to feel that way, but that I get to be in charge of who I care about. I said it with a smile on my face but was sort of recoiling from what felt like her desire to control even how I think and feel.

Later, she said she'd like to "decompensate completely and just curl up for for weeks", but she can't because she's so busy. I said she really needed to look after herself and that I hoped her IC was looking after her, as a person, and not just acting as her divorce coach (I know -- really bad and not DB), because that sounds a lot like depression, and we need to prioritize helping her. She mumbled something again about being too busy for it.

That's where we left things, but right before she left for work, she gave me a very nice hug and said "thanks for letting me vent".

I think maybe I'm getting where I can understand what people here are talking about when they mention the rollercoaster. When you're on it, it's wild and crazy and almost impossible to stay the DB course, and you end up, afterwards, alone, dizzy and confused.