Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[Jug]

Hope you are doing ok gump. Positive vibes for you.

[lt0402]

Hey ForGump, just checking in on you bud. How're things going?

[ForGump]

Thanks all. It just all feels pointless. Websites, books, all the cheerleading. Trying to accept that a broken family is my fate, my kids' fate.

[JRuss]

I've only just blundered into it, so take it with a grain of salt, but the only point there ever has been, I think, is finding ourselves and trying to do the things we need to in order to be proud of who we are. The reconciliation odds have always been very, very long, and they get longer every day it seems. It's hard to face that our wives sandbagged us, knew we didn't know, and still turned off the lights, apparently forever, before we were any the wiser. Our "doing" after that fact has to overcome a fully frozen, angry heart. Hard to do. But if we're on a never-ending mission to be the people we want to be, it at least maximizes any small chance at reconciliation and maximizes our kids' chances of surviving and thriving post break up, if it comes to that.

I'm going away for several days on Friday, going dim to dark while I'm gone, and I hope to come back with an attitude that's 100% about me and the kids and, as you put it, doesn't give a $#%* about my W. I've been slipping pretty badly, trying to hand her my balls over and over.

Hang in there, Man.

[lt0402]

Fight it brother and don't accept that a broken family is ya'lls fate!

I understand what you're going through. I've been there as well. Even though it may seem like it right now, you are most definitely not alone in this thing. You have a huge group of people here who want to see you succeed in this thing and will support you. I'm even convinced CT is out with a bloodhound right now trying to locate you!

Keep the focus on you and your kids and grind through this. How's your GAL stuff going? Get out of the house when you can and get active. It's an amazing way to beat back the melancholy. Know that you are going to come out of this thing as a stronger man and father. Those are all positives, but the only way to get there is to keep working.

We're here for you brother. When you're feeling the weight of this thing don't forget to swing by here and let it out. As you know, it really helps to unload some of the burden. Hang in there FG!

[Coly23]

Sending you hugs Gump. I am feeling very hopeless today but what helps me sometimes is to go into the Piecing Board and read the success in there. Some if them seemed absolutely hopeless but they managed to pull it back.

In house separation can't be a bundle of laughs at all but you have a great opportunity for your W to see your changes. . On the other hand if it gets too much for you do you have the opportunity to stay with friends/family for a few weeks?

[AndrewP]

ForGump - glad you were able to raise your head off of the hospital gurney and let us know you were at least still breathing.

I remember how you were there for me when I also hit that dark despair. It will pass. It won't pass easily and the monsters in the dark will still be reaching out to stalk you no matter in what direction things go in.

For today and maybe tomorrow don't worry about the state of your boxers. Try to do something just for you. Dump the kids on W and get away for at least a few hours. Eat some carbs and try to see the sunshine that always comes after the rains.

I hope we'll see you back in a few days when you've got a bit of your mojo back.

[ForGump]

Coly & AP -- thanks.

AP, here's a somewhat trivial Q... what do you think about playing Words with Friends w/ your wayward spouse?

What would MWD do?
What does conventional DB wisdom say?
What would sandi2 do?

[AndrewP]

ForGump - It depends I think on where both of you are on your journey. I've not been on the road that you are one right now - in some ways I wish that I could be because it would give me some closure.

It's harmless and keeps things friendly. I believe rule #1 of D is "don't be an @ss". But it's OK to have an off day and say "no thanks I'm not up to it right now". Even though conventional wisdom says to be upbeat and confident I feel that it's OK to have an off day. It's also OK to tell your W no. You are your own man who is hopefully still proudly wearing clean boxers.

Try to do something today that "just for you". If it involves S8 or D12 that's great too. But be "selfish" for once.

[CT1118]

FG - I am so glad you stuck your head in today. I was actually quite concerned given the nature of your last post before today, doubt I was the only one.

The ability to predict our own future has always been remarkable to me. We really do have choice in this life. For example, I speak to large groups, sometimes hundreds of people, and I do it regularly. I have done this for years. I rarely if ever plan what I will say beyond initial concepts. Sometimes I feel like I could do it blindly. But guess what, I still get nerves every single time. Not sure why, but it happens. Yet, once I begin, once I get moving, I feel as comfortable in front of all those people as if I were on my sofa alone in my boxers. Every time I somehow manage to make people laugh, make them think, and make them engage - all without much of a plan other than to succeed.

I backed off public speaking when the S happened. I felt like people would see through me. Then in June, I had a talk to give which I had agreed to a full year out. I was committed. I felt sick, worse than normal, but when I got up there it all came back. I remember looking over the audience and realizing how alive and in the moment I felt. It was pure inside me. I wondered to myself how I could keep that feeling, how could I get that around my family again. It has taken time and rest assured I am still working on it (as you know), but it is getting easier and that came from decision, in a moment of absolute clarity, to see myself as being and wanting to get better.

So that is my story, but I am sure you have something in your life like that. I know you love music, or assume it from the posts you have made (some really obscure too, but I am a musician and fan of it all myself). Maybe its music, maybe something else. Embrace it. In the moment of embrace, how does it feel. How can you hang on to that feeling in all things?

Unless you tell me you have a dck w/ a mustache on your forehead, a voice that is higher than a burning puppy squealing, and you naturally smell like a portable toilet in July, I will not believe you when you say that a broken family is your fate. Your fate is still being written and the pen is in your hand sir.