Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[ericmsant2]

CT1118

I do also realize that my chances of success here are slim.

So focus on what YOU might be sucessful at. Maybe try and see your son more often. A few more sleep overs at dads. Just an idea.

I am basing this of statistical or clinical data I have read on the matter - there is a better way to introduce a child to the OM/OW and a not so better way, having a partner over for the night does not fall under the right way. He is 4 so I can try to offer that to him, but unlikely he could speak for himself in such a way.

I understand the right vs wrong way….and I totally understand how you might be feeling. Here is the thing both of YOU overtime will end up doing the BEST you can and the BEST may not always be the “statistical or clinical way”. It will be though YOUR best. You never gonna going to control her and if she is in a crisis, she really will continue to do whatever it is she feel like doing. YOUR best bet….make this about YOUR son, try and spend as much time with him as possible. He will need a parent that is stable. Be the ROCK to him and TRUST that he will over time understand this.


Good luck and I know how much this [censored]. FWIW, my two boys are now with me full time. As Cadet would say...trust the process.

Peace,
Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

CT118 , check out Brubeck and Eagle11's thread here in MLC.

Vets are great, but its the guy in the same foxhole who will get you through the firefight.

[CT1118]

Thanks, I will look them up tomorrow.

[Cld]

CT118,

Your çhances are not slim, they are huge.
Three years from now she will get back with you, I am 100% sure about it.
Hugs,
Cld

[CT1118]

Thank you Cld. That is very promising. My history w/ her indicates you are correct. I just have to hold strong that this time she seeks the healing inside her.

eric2 - Thank you as well. I have been focusing on me quite a bit since end of Feb when this all hit, although most of that progress is notated on Newcomer board. Nonetheless, you are correct, and this was a task blatant to me from instinct at the start. I was a pharma drug addict when this began, so I really had nowhere to go but up.

Jack3Beans - no kidding sir, excellent ID. Their sitches are very similar to my sitch. I am going to read more. You all have flooded them and me w/ some great info.

[job]

CT,

Please do not attempt to set a time limit on your wife's crisis. It could be shorter or longer than 3 years. You can't base what may or may not happen on what transpired w/her parents. You have a 50/50 chance of her waking up and wanting to reconcile. Why the 50/50? Well, it's because: 1) she may wake up and decide the damage and the work too great to return; 2) you may opt that you don't want to reconcile after all the time has passed; 3) you could reconcile and then you both discover that it's not going to work out because of the elephant in the room or she didn't completely heal and still has some of the MLC traits that will remain permanent; and 4) there is always the possibility after she settles down and back into her own skin, that the new marriage is far better than ever. That's why I always say 50/50. The future is not ours to predict at this time. You are now on her clock, which is very, very slow. You can't rush the process so dig deeper for patience and continue to have faith that will allow you to trust the system.

Stay the course, give her plenty of space and time to heal. Have faith in the process because it does work. Keep the focus on you for now.

[Wonka]

Yeah....second to Job's comments on the MLC process.

Mine was 5 years long. I am the lucky few who have come out of it and worked through my chit to be more or less a re-integrated person, if you will.

Some other MLCers are still out in orbit....permanently.

This is not some project management where the PM is able to use ProjectPro to set project timelines and outcomes.

Far from it....toss that idea altogether, CT.

A word to the wise: one of the hallmarks of a MLC is that we tend to mix up timescales. For the longest time, I thought my 7 year old nephew was a 3-year old boy and I was always surprised to see that he was much older than 7 year old.

Time just seems to stand still for us. I cannot tell you why. It was just how my brain functioned at that time.

Don't spend too much time in the kitchen watching and waiting for the water to boil.

[CT1118]

Stay the course, give her plenty of space and time to heal. Have faith in the process because it does work. Keep the focus on you for now.

Sooooo, what process would that be your refer to? Not the DB process? Those books barely touch the MLC paradigm.

Thank you for your comments though. If I gave the impression that I was attached to a timeline, it was not intended. The last time her and I were separated it was for 9 years, but we were separated for very different reasons. I can go into it if requested, but it really comes down to geography and technology.

Wonka - you thought a 7 year old was 3? That is truly an example of a mindset. I might guess you and I have a similar line of work from your comments, but perhaps not. Part of my role is as a PM, but I do not view her as one of my projects. In a day by day role at this time and making the plays as best as I can. Feel like I am in secure point of detachment, which still has its highs and lows, but I remain within those boundaries. Good analogy though and very much appreciated.

I should have moved here earlier. So much of what I have gotten thus far helps me understand why some of the things in the newcomer thread kind of fell flat for me.

[job]

CT,

Trust the process. The process is DBing. The process is learning to detach and not react to what others say or do in a negative way. The process is to have faith in yourself. The process is to help you help yourself in any situation. It will work if you practice it faithfully. It can and will work in all walks of life and not just for saving marriages. A prime example right here on this forum right now is Lou. Read her threads and you will see just how far she has come in the last year and yes, her h is moving back in w/her.

As for what Wonka mentioned about thinking a 7 year old was 3...that is very, very true. Why? Because the depression is so thick and the person in crisis doesn't realize just how much time has gone by. Many of the mlcers begin to wake up a bit and make comments about their children being a certain age or they purchase toys for their children that they have long ago left behind in Toyland. Time creeps for them. And, one more thing, the MLCer is expecting you, the LBS, to be right where they left you when they entered the crisis. They have absolutely no clue that time is moving faster for you and that life does go on and does not stop and yes, we all do change as time moves along.

So, the first order of business is for you to have faith in yourself. Stay the course, find a way to focus on you and leave your wife to twirl in the wind. Read the detachment thread and dig deeper for patience because she will try your patience along the way. Actions speak louder than words. No matter what you say or do, she is going to do what she needs to do in order to heal.

[ericmsant2]

The future is not ours to predict at this time.

Great advice from Job. DB101 – “live in the moment”. Try not to set any time tables rather take it one day at a time.

This is not some project management where the PM is able to use ProjectPro to set project timelines and outcomes.

Sorry to hijack….. Hey Wonka, what if you use MS Project – is that a better tool? LOL. JK. As a manager of a project office I found your comment hilarious. I hope all is well with you.

The last time her and I were separated it was for 9 years, but we were separated for very different reasons. I can go into it if requested, but it really comes down to geography and technology.

Can you provide some details on the 9 year separation?
I think Job provided a good description of the process. I would only add one other point…one that may have already been stressed to you (it took me a LONG time to get this point)…… DB is really counter intuitive. It usually does not feel natural at first – hence the fake it till you make comments you may have seen.
MLC can be a long road.