I don't really know how to act around my W. For a week or so, I tried to be in a really good mood. I didn't show anything bothered me. I made sure I didn't show any grumpiness (W always said I was grumpy when she came home from work). I also had made sure to not criticize her for anything. Basically, I was the perfect roommate.
The last week or so I was still respectful and peaceful towards her but I have been much shorter in my answers. I have also left the room more when she is there and basically I have left her alone. This seemed to effect her the most on the weekends when I would leave and she was left to watch the kids by herself. When I would get home, I could tell she was worn out and tired. I could also tell she was bored most of the day sitting in the house.
I'm not sure either way has been effective and I know I haven't tried either for very long. I guess I need to do a 180, but I'm not sure which was is a 180 for me. Since she complained I was moody or grumpy in the evening when she got home should I be cheerful. She said she never thought I appreciated her job and what she did because I didn't ask enough questions. Of course when I would ask she wouldn't tell me much because she thought I would be bored. I guess what I am asking is should I try to have conversations about her job with her since I didn't do this in the past? I need to read up on the 180's again I think to fully understand them.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I've noticed lately she has been leaving her phone around more. She used to carry it close to her at all times. But now she will put it on the charger in another room and leave it there. She has changed the pass code for it, so maybe she feels comfortable. What she doesn't know is that I know the pass code, but have never accessed the phone. I really have no desire to read any messages from the OM if they are on there.
What I am wondering though is she trying to get caught. Earlier I posted that I thought she changed the phone password a couple of weeks ago so I couldn't view the records, but just last night I discovered the old password worked again. Now she leaves her phone lying around so I could look at it if I knew the pass code. It just seems strange and almost like she wants to get caught. This is probably just my tired mind making up crazy thoughts right now but it does make me wonder.
Sorry for so much posting. I like to post because it makes me feel better typing out my thoughts and sharing. I don't expect responses to all my posts, but it just makes me feel better to get my thoughts down.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
J3B suggested I check out your thread. I can say if your wife is in MLC, it's not as bad as can be, but I know you're really hurting brother. She doesn't sound as unhinged as some of the other stuff I've heard here. If she's the career-oriented type who works long hours, there's a big instinct in her to keep everything self-contained and in check. If she's seeking any kind of therapy, that's a start. Most people in MLC do not bother.
Get out of the house, even in the daytime. Being a stay-at-home parent can drive anybody crazy, even a homebody. Your sitch just makes it worse. Get something going in the daytime with S2 that takes you elsewhere. Your home is Ground Zero for your marriage problem. Even with her away in the daytime, your environment reminds you of what's going on. Think of something that S2 can enjoy - just walking in the park / beach / playground is enough.
Many nights my W goes jogging for 2 hours. Even with her out of the house, I still take my boys to the park for an hour, the change of scenery helps.
For a 180? If she's gone so much, try and think of something to create the vibe there in favor of your boys. Put up a tent in the dining room or backyard and camp there for one night. Visit Dad blogs to see what kind of DIY adventure projects you can do around the house (they're always cheap). Cater to your boys. It takes a strong moment to stop thinking about her and focus on your boys, but once you do - you'll be on a roll.
Buying a house 2 months before she does a BD doesn't make sense. However, many things in MLC don't make sense. She might have seen the house as an insurance that you'll stay put.
In my W I have also seen the changes in body language and tone of voice your W shows as well. It's something that goes beyond "she must be tired / mad". During my W's angry rants, she will start to talk in this scratchy hushed tone, like she has a sore throat. Then, she'll start to sway her head side to side - very slowly. It's weird. Read other threads, you'll come across many instances of LBS's who encounter 'shark eyes'. You may have seen it in your W already.
Leaving the phone out may indeed be a test. She may want to you to find texts you don't want to see, and initiate something she wants to have but doesn't want to start herself (separation, divorce, or just a big nasty fight).
Maybe I didn't go over your threads thoroughly, but how ENGAGED is W with your boys? She may be friendly, but does she interact with them on their level?
I see the toughest part about your sitch is that she's away so often, what little contact you have with her doesn't give you much input one way or the other as to where she is. I would definitely follow Sandi2's 37 rules.
I am detaching by basically thinking of myself as a single dad, which I think will work even better for you. Take them along for everything you can. It's a chore to do. Everywhere you go - diapers, baby wipes, juice boxes, you know the drill! Just pace yourself and know you have all day to do it. All you really need to do right now is spend time with your boys and love them.
I don't know if you need to hear this, but I need to be reminded constantly, so I'm telling you out of courtesy - you are NOT crazy, and none of this is your fault. You are just in a crazy situation. This is the battle you did not choose. Hang in there.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Brubeck, thanks for the advice. I got a chance to read over your posts a little last night and I feel for you. As bad I feel I am having it right now, doesn't seem to compare to you. Maybe my W is just warming up and it will get worse the longer this goes, but I hope not.
Thanks for the advice on the 180. That's what I am really trying to figure out here. I guess I am just really trying to figure out if this is a WW or MLC. I read a little bit about it last night and it looks like you take some different approaches depending on what she is. That is my big hurdle right now trying to figure that out.
You asked how much my wife is engaged with the boys. My W loves the boys but working so much makes her not really there physically or mentally for the day to day things. She is ready for when a crisis happens (she turns into Supermom) but the simple act of cooking dinner or reading a bedtime story she just doesn't do anymore. She basically comes home from work, gets a snack to eat (she basically doesn't eat anymore and has lost over 20 lbs in a month), then she will sit on the couch and watch tv or do work on her computer. After an hour or so she goes to bed. I can't remember the last time she actually played with either of them.
Once again thanks for the advice and I am going to read more of your thread and get up to date on you situation. Thanks for the support.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Today is my W 36 birthday. I didn't tell her happy birthday this morning. My kids don't know its her birthday so nobody said anything. I didn't get her anything but i got her something from the kids so I will have them give it to her tonight. I'm not really sure how I should act about her birthday. I guess I will wish her a happy birthday tonight.
Unfortunately, I did look at the cell phone account this morning and saw her and the OM were texting a lot. She was sitting on the couch with our S6 and I was in the kitchen (our living room and kitchen are connected). Once I realized she was texting him I would start to walk up behind her and my son to say something to him. She would feel my prescence and quickly put her phone down. This went on for about 30 minutes and I was having fun with it. I never let on that I knew she was texting the OM, but I would just come up behind them every so often and she would have to scramble to put the phone down. I was wondering what she thought. Did the danger excite her? Was she scared of being caught? Was she annoyed with me? I guess I will never know, but I actually thought it was funny.
I went to my first therapist appointment and really enjoyed it. The therapist seemed really engaged and concerned, which I felt was good. I told her my story and she gave comments similar to ones I have received here. I made another appointment for next Friday morning where she said we will start working on me.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Once I realized she was texting him I would start to walk up behind her and my son to say something to him. She would feel my prescence and quickly put her phone down. This went on for about 30 minutes and I was having fun with it. I never let on that I knew she was texting the OM, but I would just come up behind them every so often and she would have to scramble to put the phone down. I was wondering what she thought. Did the danger excite her? Was she scared of being caught? Was she annoyed with me? I guess I will never know, but I actually thought it was funny.
Eagle11 - just a word of caution on these "games". I too would do things that I knew would cause W some discomfort having a private lol to myself at the time - occasionally shared here too. The problem that I have is that I then get wrapped up in checking to see "if" she reacted in the way I expected her to and then think of other things I could do to provoke a reaction.
It's a dangerous path, not so much for her but for you because it makes it harder for you to detach and it gives you the illusion that you can control your W's actions when the reality is far from there.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Unfortunately, I did look at the cell phone account this morning and saw her and the OM were texting a lot.
Eagle, I know this is still new to you and your emotions are raw but ^^^ this is not healthy for you. As a former super snooper I can understand the need to know but all it did for me was keep me angry and engaged with my XW. Once I realized I had no control over it and stopped I was able to detach more and more from her. I know it's hard but you have to try. Hang in there.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
I was reading through your thead and thought I'd post a quick reply. I noticed you were wondering about your w's age. I have no doubt my w is in mlc and she turned 35 last week, this all seems to have started a year ago when a good friend of hers was killed in an accident although I think her grandpa's death 5 years before also played into it.
I'm basically reiterating what others have said but try to stop snooping, you know it's happening and have chosen to stand (kudos because it takes a strong person who knows something is not right with your spouse) so you're only tourturing yourself by doing so. I know easier said than done, it's so painful. As others told me, he is not the prize, only a bandaid. From what I've read and seen, they get an actual high from the A and the secrecy, etc adds to this. It's a good feeling in the midst of depression. One thing I read that stuck with me is that As typically run on rocket fuel, hot and fast, then burn out. By snooping, etc you are giving her more fuel, maybe even an it's us against them/the world mentality with OM, and from my experience she will just start hiding it better. My w would do the phone thing too, it's insulting but shows just how far out of whack they are, just like a teenager hiding something from their parents.
remember you are the only one you can control, work on yourself and if she has legitimate complaints fix those but don't tell her, show her. I know it's tough when you feel so many cycling emotions (I know, I was an absolute wreck) but try to be consistent and respond instead of reacting. If your all over the place it gives her further justification in her mind it's you and not her. I try to think to myself, no one can make me feel a way I don't want to. I definitely am not living this by any means but I try and when I can change my mood, feelings, etc to not let something affect me it is a powerful feeling.
AndrewP, thanks for the advice. Toying with her was something I had never done until today and honestly it felt good but I know I can't keep doing it. Plus I don't want her to realize what I was doing and if I keep doing it she is bound to figure it out.
Betterman77, no worries on me spying on her anymore using cell phone records. I guess this morning she switched to Facebook messenger for her EA. I actually found out because my sister (who doesn't know anything is going on) made a comment that the w had signed up for messenger today. Apparently they send you a notification when one of your friends signs up. I then looked at the cell phone records this afternoon and they haven't had a text since 8:30 this morning. I know they didn't break up so I guess they have moved onto Facebook messenger. I don't have her password so I guess my spying on her that way are over.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I also though I would add this in case you read through my thread. At one point I told my w to leave. She didn't, she actually informed me I couldn't kick her out (she researched). I was trying to show her I would not stand for an A. In hindsight I was trying to control something I couldn't. I should've retread doormat tactics. She hasn't forgotten about it, she has brought it up and now I can see I created another hurdle if she ever decides to reconcile.
