Busy day. Will respond to everyone a bit later, but know that I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts and support!
Got up this morning. Did breakfast then went to the pool. W laid out to get some sun when we first got there. D and I hopped in one of the pools but D wanted to get out and go to the indoor pool there. W gets annoyed that her suntan is being interrupted (I'm assuming) and throws a little fit. I tell her that D and I can go to the indoor pool and she can stay out there if she'd like. W begrudgingly grabs hers and ads stuff and we start off towards the indoor pool. W asks D on the way if we can do the other outdoor pool (for the smaller kids) for 10 minutes. D says sure. Poor kid.
W lays out. D and I do some playing/chasing/horsing around in the pool. W comes in after about 20 minutes and D says hello. D then turns and comes over to me and leaves W there. W sulks back out of the pool to lay out again.
We get a snack and I head to use the restroom afterwards. Come back and D and W are swimming together. I lounge outside of the pool for about 5 minutes to give them some time, then wade back in. D starts playing with me and W exits to work on tan.
Leave pool, shower, and grab lunch at home. W leaves to get some milk and the neighbor kids knock on our door asking for D to come out and play. D has two friends coming over for a sleepover in an hour and I know W would say no to this. I tell her ok and have fun and I'll get her 15 minutes before friend gets here to rehydrate and cool off.
W comes home and I'm in the garage cleaning some stuff up and D is next door playing. I tell W where D is and she asks if I know D has friends coming over in an hour. I say yes and tell her what I told D. W is not happy but sulks inside
W comes back out, picks up the bike helmet she bought D a few weeks ago (I'd been after her to get D a new one since June 1) and starts to jump on me. She says "I can't believe you would cut the tags off this. I don't know if it fits and now I can't return it!" First off, it's a $15 bike helmet, second off she had D with her so why would they not try it on. I ask W to not speak to me like that. She keeps going and I get pulled in a little, telling her that D and neighborhood kids wanted to ride bikes. I cut off the tags so I could adjust it, but D decided to take her scooter so she wouldn't have to wait. W jumps on that and I just tell her that if it doesn't fit we can donate it. W stomps off and slams the garage door.
I keep cleaning the garage and W comes out and hovers, doing some recycling that should take 2 seconds but turns into 2 minutes. I don't pay attention to her. I turn her way to see what she's doing as she goes inside and she slams door again. Pretty certain she was trying to pull me into another fight. Not falling for it.
W taking girls out for dinner. I was not invited. But, I'm going out with a friend to grab some dinner. W has to be going to see OM next weekend. Hence the tanning, exercise, and trying to get me to fight. Readying myself for that news. At this point though I'm somewhat indifferent, though I think that news will hurt initially. Unsure if id let W back into my life as much as she was before. I don't know that I can take the controlling behavior anymore. A lot would have to change for any sort of reconciliation and that doesn't even include the OM stuff.
It makes me sad to see the effect on my D though. Trying to fix that. Off to dinner but will respond later.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Good GAL tonight. We ran into another friend I hadn't seen in 10yrs at the restaurant and am going to set something up to hang out with him soon.
Came home after. D has 2 friends over for a sleepover. Girls are playing. I did my football draft online. W sitting downstairs on her phone and watching tv.
Just getting ready for bed and I say goodnight to my W as I'm passing right by her. First time I've done that in weeks. She, of course, says nothing. Go upstairs to brush my teeth and I hear a knock.
W steps in and says she needs to get something for one of the girls. She grabs it and says "you seem to think that if we stay in this house together everything will be fine. You get that's not the case, right?" I look at her and say yes and we just stare at each other for a second. She then turns around and walks out.
Unsure how else I should have responded. Seems like such an unnecessary thing for her to say. Regardless, I've got to get some sleep. Business trip tomorrow evening but just for one night. W sure knows how to press my buttons right before I'm going to be away. I'll miss my D immensely....ugggghhhh
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Sounds like that was a temp check, and trying to get you angry. Not bad response, although shutting down the chatter would have been best.
Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well, and she's not only jealous of your budding relationship with your child but also the fact you're not breaking down.
Keep it up!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Why am I doing this? She really is such an awful person right now. She has no morals, no compass, just sheer hatred and anger. It's so frustrating day after day to be treated like I'm nothing to her and she's better off wo me around. If she weren't my W I'd have her out of my life in a heartbeat.
She's wanting to take away 90% of my Ds time from me and blame the failure of our M solely on me. It's so ridiculous that it'd be laughable were I not living through this garbage every day. I want to ship her to OMs residence with a big as$ card that says "she's your problem now, keep all your sh$t where the queen dictates it should go, jump when the queen says jump, and put your balls into the box after unpacking for her safekeeping."
If she's going to be this type of miserable person and press me to be the bad guy and do all the legwork of "planning" our divorce then she can go to hell. I will not abandon my D to someone as vindictive and hateful as she is. D shouldn't have to live through Ws controlling behavior, nor should I. Such BS.
Angry and sad right now, but mainly angry. W seems to have no regard for anything outside of her selfish sh$t. It's making me absolutely insane...
Rant over. Sorry for that. So much mixed emotion after this weekend. Probably good I'm out of town tomorrow. Short break from the situation.
Recharge the batteries and come back for the next act...
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Why am I doing this? She really is such an awful person right now.
that's why you're doing this. because it's right now. It hasn't been "always" or "most of the time" its "right now" that she's in this crazy alien mode. It wont be forever. Regardless of R or not, she will not be this awful person for ever.
stay strong! you're doing great! way to not take the bait on the comment she made!
Dont listen to cheesyt. Ship her off in that box you mentioned to OM. Thats the perfect revenge isnt it. :>
(In case lost in translation, tis be here humour)
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Ok, responding to some comments from yesterday. Sorry I couldn't get to them earlier.
MV, yes, I am getting more and more tired of walking on eggshells. I am realizing that a lot of what I do around the house has been molded to her will over the years. I'm pushing away, picking what makes no sense, and letting her stew on it if it bothers her. I agree she has little respect for me, though I think that's slowly getting better. I need to do a better job of walking away when she's disrespectful, instead of allowing her to spew. I am making progress on no allowing her to step on me and feel more comfortable managing that. Still work to be done all around though.
Trumpet, I'd been leaning towards the same thought. It's good to hear someone else opine that way as well. I'm working as hard as I can to not respond in an outright, angry, or passive-aggressive way. It's difficult bc sometimes I just want to let it out, but I think it's necessary. I'm afraid though, that like your WW, mine will always view things as my fault. Guess we'll see.
My W has recently talked about the two of us going to see an IC to talk about our communication skills, but not about our M. That started after we had our blowup 2 weeks ago when I did let the anger boil over. My IC thinks this may be a good idea, but I'm still on the fence. I don't know that an IC could fix our communications w/o delving into the issues in the MR. We'll see. Maybe it helps highlight the controlling behavior and allows us to address it though.
I'm friends w/ Ws dad, sister, and sister-in-law on FB. W never really talks to them all that often though, so I don't see any updates on Ws stuff. I'm really completely unplugged from any of the Ws activities on there. W apparently has recon on what I'm doing, but it's not changing anything I post. I just like showing the world what D is up to, when it's just the 2 of us. Have been detached from W on the FB stuff since she unfriended me before first trip to see OM.
CT, I'm very sorry about your S meeting the OM. I know from your thread how hard that was for you. I can imagine how much that would impact me as well and it's not a happy thought. The way you are right now, is precisely what I'd like to get to. An honest man who will honestly be ok without her. I find myself caring less and less about what she has going on daily, but I'm not sure if that's detaching or just becoming numb to it. Maybe they're the same thing...
Regardless, I'm personally at a much better spot than I was at the start of this thing. I'm better able to handle the ups and downs, but I find the extreme swings still get to me. The blowup I had 2 weeks ago really helped me to become more stand-offish bc it let me see what she's become. Regardless, I'm extremely happy that you're at a point of detachment, you've earned it and you should be proud of it!
RSG, I'm hoping it's a temp check, as that would mean she still cares, but I'm trying to not overthink anything recently. My R w/ D seems to be going well, to the point that both of us are down bc I am away from home tonight for work. I'll try to Skype her so we have some communication before bed.
Best I can do I think it to not let myself be dragged into a fight. She's trying very hard to get me there, but if she wants it she won't get it. Were I to guess, she'll go to see OM soon to try to spark a fight that way, but I'll work through it and not give her that pleasure. Appreciate your continued example of how to do this brother!
Cheesyt, you're right. It's the hope that she is still the same wonderful woman on the inside that keeps me going. If you can't tell, I was a bit frustrated last night, and I appreciate ya'll putting up w/ my rant. Better to lob it here than to take action and confront W on it. I wish there was some sort of countdown clock to indicate when the WW would turn back into the W of old. Ah, how nice that would be!
[quote=Natus]Dont listen to cheesyt. Ship her off in that box you mentioned to OM. Thats the perfect revenge isnt it. :>
Natus, saving one of the best for last. You have no idea how tempted I am! Maybe i'll put holes in the box, maybe not... I needed this laugh! It's easy to lose the humor in this stuff, but everyone around here seems to have a good pulse on when each of us are getting too serious. Now I'll spend the day looking for a large enough box...
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and support! To be able to vent/journal/look for support and advice and get it so readily from so many amazing people is truly awesome. It's helped more than I can ever express. I'm so appreciative for all of you!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
"CT, I'm very sorry about your S meeting the OM. I know from your thread how hard that was for you. I can imagine how much that would impact me as well and it's not a happy thought. The way you are right now, is precisely what I'd like to get to. An honest man who will honestly be ok without her. I find myself caring less and less about what she has going on daily, but I'm not sure if that's detaching or just becoming numb to it. Maybe they're the same thing..."
Numb and detaching are not the same thing to me. If you read my old threads, you will see how much the apathy bothered me. So you maybe cycling into it. Now I am detached and it feels more like there is something I want and have always wanted. But my wants in this life are not my needs. This is very different from thinking another person is someone I do not care about.
I hope this clears it up. Stay on target sir.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Agreed. When they leave, you feel like you need them. Because a huge part of your life has been ripped away, for reasons you don't really understand. My wife said a few weeks after she left "why should I stay and fake it just so you can be happy?"
This is where people stress getting a life, staying active and finding new things. It takes the edge off, and keeps your focus on you. If you have a child, think of it like Earth. The Moon is in your gravity field, so you "take care of it." You can't worry about dust storms on Mars. Weird analogy, but it makes sense lol
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
CT, it does and that helps. It's like a blend of numbness and detachment right now I think. Going to need to work through it. Definitely not detached currently, but I can at least see how it would be possible now.
RSG, agree on the GAL. Every time I go out w/ friends it's like the situation isn't even going on. Every now and then it'll pop up in my brain, but it's easy to shove it back down when you're busy. Completely get the analogy and it's very helpful. Let the dust storms on Mars rage bc I can't stop them and they don't affect me here on Earth.
Appreciate you guys!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
