Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

Just got texts from W. She took our s4 to the gym and he bit another kid - 2nd time this week. So, the gym banned her from bringing him for 7 days. He just does not behave this way when he is with me. Is it safe to presume this is common when kids spend time w/ the MLC parent?

[job]

I'm sorry that your W and child are banned from the gym for a week. Children can act out w/either parent. If I read correctly, your son is 4. Some children do act out and bite and pinch others. I know that my nephew (age 2) went thru this phase and he was in a loving home w/two parents and had a thing for chomping on his father's calf and he didn't do it out of meanness, but wanted to see how it tasted. It could be that another child took a toy away from him, he could have been hit, pinched, pushed or bitten by another child. At that age, they are most likely defending themselves...but I definitely would ask about it. I seriously doubt that your W was paying attention to the situation because the child was probably in the day care part of the gym and the person who saw the incident should be able to tell you or your wife what happened. When your son is w/you, you can gently ask him about it and maybe he can share a bit of light on it. Then you can gently tell him that it's not the proper thing to do if someone is bothering him.

Also, if your child is in day care, someone may have bitten him and he's not picked up that bad habit as a way of defending himself and/or "standing up" for himself w/other children. It is worth investigating because you do not want him to go to pre-k biting others. If he were younger, I would say it's an experimental behavior to see how things taste and feel in his mouth, but at the age of 4, he shouldn't be doing this. I suspect he was provoked by another child...

[CT1118]

Thanks job. Last time, son did say a kid took his toy. And you are right, this is standard behavior. I read recently that children struggling with S can actually regress to a younger age of behavior. I do intend to monitor. My son struggles to speak to me, but that does not stop me from trying. I am working with my IC to develop better ways to engage him.
And yes, he was in day care, she was working out. It makes me sad for both of them as gym is her most effective way to destress and it tires the boy out for her. But generally speaking, his behavior around her is an atrocity and around me he does very well. He has some abandoment issues w/ her. As she was beginning her A, she was obviously "at work" a lot. He would cry and want to see her. Her and I had many fights over this as I just wanted her to work less, until I learned she wasn't working.

[job]

What may help w/your communication w/your son is to actually get down to his level. If he has a favorite program, toy or game, then you will need to talk to him about these things, ask questions, play w/him and just listen to what he shares, then validate him. This very well could open the door a bit for you and your son and also a better bonding experience.

[Cld]

CT1118,

I am in the same situation as you.
Wife is having a midlife crisis and my 3 year old son is:
1. Regressing, pretending he is a baby when mommy and daddy were together.
2. Peeing in his pants like a baby even at night in bed, he was fully potty trained before separation.
3. He started kicking me, biting me and spanking me occasionally, he never did that before.
4. He wakes up at night saying "mommy......mommy.....".

It breaks my heart, and this is what has been helping so far.

1. I keep telling him that mommy is a good person and I that I will always love her, it calms him down and he can sleep better.
2. I keep telling that mommy might come back someday and that we just have to be patient and wait, again, it calms him down and makes him happy.
3. I keep telling him that mommy needs to be alone without daddy for a few years, it calms him down.
4. I keep telling him that I love him and that I will always be there for him. It calms him down and makes him happy.

I hope it helps,
Hugs
Cld

[AndrewP]

What may help w/your communication w/your son is to actually get down to his level. If he has a favorite program, toy or game, then you will need to talk to him about these things, ask questions, play w/him and just listen to what he shares, then validate him. This very well could open the door a bit for you and your son and also a better bonding experience.

It's been a "long" time since my kids were this age but I might also suggest that the "get down to his level" thing is also physical. We tower over our children and I always tried to get physically where I can look them right in the eyes when we were talking. Also keep in mind - he also probably picked up genetics at an early age. From what I've read you've had your own struggles. Perhaps think about what helped you cope and figure out a way to explain it to him in language he can understand. I know with my own son that it helped stop some behaviours that were caused by jealousy of other kids who had better things when I told him that I understood and had the same problems.
Lastly - do not underestimate a child. They're very smart and pick up on everything going on around them. I always treated my kids as just short people and we had some fabulous conversations at every age and I like to think that we are good friends now and will be for the rest of our lives.

[Surfer]

Guys.

Also give them power.

By this I mean by saying. Hey I have a great idea. Who wants to be in charge today? Then do what they want.

Try it. I do this with the kids sometimes. It's fab just do it - if it works do it again. I think if you do that it empowers them. They therefore feel in control.

Hope that helps

Surfer.

[job]

Most importantly...when they do something right...recognize them for it. Don't just address their issues when they do something wrong. The more you recognize good behavior, the better.

[CT1118]

All great words shared here. Thank you all so much. I do physically get on his level, kneeling and making my face equal to his face. I did just begin that recently though. Cld, I really like what you said and will use it. Much better than what I had been offering.

I went to a pool party tonight which was on a road requiring me to go past my wife's town home. I have stated on my newcomer threads many times about this area and how to go certain places I pass her place. She has my son tonight and I saw OM's truck in her driveway. I realize me speaking to her about it will do nothing. Perhaps worse than nothing, perhaps only strengthening her indignity toward who she hurts and how. I did not feel much about myself in it, but my heart bleeds for my son, who is so very very confused.

[CT1118]

So in a musing to what Cadet told me about the order of dismissal...spouse, kid, animal,etc. My W dropped off our s4 today. I did not confront about having her OM at the house while s4 was there, which he told me on Thursday (later today he told me OM was there last night as well). I accept, what difference would it make. I hate it, but not in an anger way, in a way that I have no control over why she would ever feel that is ok. But, understood, what good would it do to say anything. At least she has not entirely abandoned him as so many other stories state.

She came to my apartment to drop off s4 this morning. Her dog lives w/ me. I really did not want to keep him, but did so when I realized she wanted to give him up, but our son loves this dog very much. I did get rid of the dog for a month and son was so broke up I went and got him back. Anyway, this dog tolerates me, he loves my W. She ignored him and was even cross w/ him today. I told her "he just wants you to pet him" so she reluctantly gave him some half arsed love. She mentioned s4 complained of his ear hurting and said she would take him to the doctor, "but I told him if I did, they would give him a shot in his ear, so he does not want to go." Well no sht.

An hour later, he is going down south quick and I take him to the emergency clinic. Ear infection. Two and a half hours later, got meds and he has been on sofa all sick for the entire day. She ignored my texts while I was there asking for background "hey, i am in the emergency clinic. Our son is not well. I need any information you might have to give the dotors. How long. Whatdid he eat. how did he sleep? I need to tell them anything you can give me, I was not there, you were." Four hours later I get a call that her phone is "messed up" and she did not get the text.

This is a vent. I get it, I get her sitch. They dismiss, excuse, and differ. Just a freaking shame. He is stable on the sofa now. In and out of sleep. Getting better I trust.