lt0402, hawker and maybs thank you for your kind words.
Rose888 - you are so right its not even funny. she was busy dealing with dog stuff. What I guess bothered me the most is, I too was busy when she initially called. however, this isn't the first time an "asap" or a "hurry" gets thrown in there because she knows I will stop what I'm doing and call her. That's where I get irritated. I stop my life for her "asap" or even a simple "call me" yet this is the millionth time I ask her to call me and I constantly get "I'm busy" "i don't want to talk" or some other line.
Originally Posted By: Rose888
[quote] Emotional attachment starts when you stop mind reading and stop assuming her actions are directly related to you.
I will remember this! I have to stop emotionally mind reading her. It does me NO good.
Turns out I never replied and she called me around 10pm. W was crying, told me what happened. The gate was left open both dogs got out. Since this is a small 5lb dog, it was best to put her down. I validated, told her I was sorry she had to go through that. That it must have been really hard for her. That she handled it great. Better than I would've. no small talk. did talk about the gate, I told her she better have someone fix it (I've fixed it every time) W said she would look for someone. I finally said thank you for calling me and good night.
It made me sad W was crying. I definitely wish I could've been there for my W, hugged her, consoled her. Wishful thinking does me no good.
-have a phone coaching session in a few hrs. hopefully this will help me clear my head and get to a better emotional and mental state. I feel out of whack!
Hi Cheesy, I'm so sorry about the dog. I'm glad you had the chance to validate her feelings of grief. When something like that happens and she reaches out to you, I think that's the right time to be there for her. These things aren't normal day to day b.s. The loss of a pet is serious, and so, again, I'm glad you were able to connect with her. To be withdrawn at a time like that, IMHO, is not a good strategy. Those are the moments when we're the only ones who can comfort and reassure. I think that's exactly the time to be there. No games, no DBing, just offering the support she needs. You can go back to DBing later.
You handled it well.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
thanks everyone! coaching session went well. I always feel better after that or IC. I feel like my batteries have been "reset" and I can continue on this long path.
NYGal- thank you! your post was just what I needed to stop debating on what to do, and just follow my gut and heart!
I picked up D after work. took her to library to get homework done, checked out some books then off to the park to catch pokemon until it was time to drop her off. We had a great time. D is a great kid. D mentioned W was at home all day, no school I guess. D also mentioned W expected me to come inside last friday, I had no idea. D said W was making dinner, D asked why I couldn't stay, I said I had work. Dropped of D, I walked straight upstairs into kitchen where W was and gave her a hug. My gosh, It was one of the best hugs ever. We hadn't hugged like that since before BD. I'm only 1-2 inches taller, so we fit soooo perfectly together. Nothing needed to be said, we hugged tightly. I pulled away from hug because generally W pulls away ever since BD (they make her uncomfortable) I looked at W straight in the eyes, (W stopped holding my gaze since BD too) but she held it. I saw her pupils dilate when looking at me. (I used to tell her I could see the love she has for me by just staring in her eyes, I don't know if I saw it, It could've been hurt and pain) regardless, I felt a connection. My stomach dropped and I got butterflies. Then I smiled. We small talked, I told her she looked good. W blew it off, saying she looked like "crap" because she sat around all day crying. Family game night resumes this sunday. I had to go to my side job. W insisted I take dinner to go, she asked 3 times before I agreed. I said good bye to D. walked back to kitchen and W hugged me. again, strong connection, (at least in my part) strong long grip. This time as we hugged W asked "are you ok" and I said yes. because in that moment, I truly was. I texted her later that dinner was delicious. no reply. perhaps I was temp checking? W is not the best cook, In our M I made sure she knew I was the superior cook. mistakes. I know. Which is also why I wanted to congratulate her dinner.
My W is very much there. Looking sad as heck. Hurt and in pain.
Sounds good, cheesyt. Sometimes it's good to just go for it, like you did with the hug. Makes 'em wonder.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
all quiet over here. no texts no calls. no sign of life from W since Wednesday night's encounter.
Went to dinner and drinks with a friend last night. Hung out till late (9:30) Today we get off work early, was supposed to pick D up, but W changed those plans. Dropping off a friend at airport, then headed to meet with softball team for dinner and watching some other softball league games. Should be a nice day. Hopefully all goes as planned.
journaling- I keep meeting older divorced men at the bar that didn't want a D (we have a ton of good breweries here, -not an alcoholic I just love beer!) as they talk about their experiences I always ask "did you try to save your M" they've all said yes. Sometimes I wonder, are they on this forum? haha. So that leads my mind to, my W and I were together 6 years. I always thought that's a long time, how can someone walk away from 6 years like nothing? But last night this man's wife served him with D papers after 32 years and that W went dark and fell off the face of the earth. 32 years is forever. I know all people are different and so are the M's but if I think 6 years is a long time, it's kind of not. Not that that kills my hope, but it certainly shakes it a bit. I don't know why but as of late when I think of my W and the love I have for her, I smile and It feels good. I love that I love her.
that lasted! I knew as soon as I updated, W would text. Asking if I wanted her to buy cat litter for my cat. Since she was going to pet store anyway to get dog food. I got a very enthusiastic text. I think.
W - Morning! ...cat info M- Morning?! it's afternoon!! ...cat info W lol whatever!! W- more cat stuff, bills, D
good dialogue. kept it nice short. w. stopped. texting. like. this. thank gosh! W also confirmed about game night on sunday. nice to know she's thinking about it?...idk.
worried the "friendly" texts (even though they were all "business") will lead her to think we are "friends".
stressing about work. Had so much to do, staying past "close" W just so happened to text while I made a mistake. was hard not to let W know I was stressing and making mistakes. I know W would've had some encouraging words and made me feel better. But I made myself feel better on my own. And carried on with the work mistake.
-gotta run! I have plenty of GAL activities today.
Cheesy, I always worry about the being friends stuff. I always hear that you should be friendly but not friends but that is such a difficult thing to achieve, I'm not sure I get it!
Anyway, had my first session with the DB coach and he said that I should be friendly to my H which horrified me so I said but won't H just see me as a friend then? He said yes that is what you want at the moment because (in my situation) you were friends with H for 9 years before you got together so that is valuable to building your relationship. Do you know, I cried when he said that because I think we had lost that from our marriage. Actually I cried lots throughout the whole session, poor Chuck!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly - I'm pretty sure I cried for my first session too. And yes my DB coach told me some sort of friendship is good. And actually my W told me when we first separated that she wanted to be friends and possibly build on that. We jumped into a relationship when we began dating and weren't "friends long enough" according to W now. So I too am working on being friendly but not friends!! So no activities out of Family ones and or personal talk - for me at least.
