Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 4)

[JRuss]

Dang -- already need another thread. I was just ranting about people who inject themselves into other people's marriages and get into the ear of a WW, push them along . . . and hoping they all burn in eternal hell fire. Is that bad?

Feeling pretty stuck at the moment.

Anyway, here are links to my earlier threads:

Thread 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2692423&page=1

Thread 2: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2692430#Post2692430

Thread 3: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2697235#Post2697235

[JRuss]

Bringing your post in my old thread over here, Doodler -- many thanks for stopping by!

JRuss,

I tend to agree with you! I've felt the same way myself. On the other hand, before any of this happened to me, if one of my sisters had come to me complaining about their husband, I wouldn't have questioned the validity of their claims. Now, I'd be more aware that their are two sides to the story.

One of my neighbors, an atrocious British fellow (he's a wonderful man), knows me well and saw through the WW's bullsh*t. But, he and his wife had previous marriages and have been through divorce. Many of the people my WW talks to do not know me well. For all they know, I truly am a quiet and introverted narcissistic psychopath serial killer. I mean, it makes a lot of sense; sarcastic humor and gardening are dead giveaways (the dead bodies are in the garden).

I like how you always keep it light, doodler. I think I might have fallen into the trap as well before all of this, but I know I won't ever do it now. The seemingly neutral "validation" the WW gets outside of the marriage is a big part of the fuel that keeps her f-ed up view of LBS and the marriage going, I think. But it's not neutral. In my case, my W has had to go to a woman she hardly knew before this who divorced her husband about two years ago and, apparently, never has had a bad day since. Now, he was alcoholic and wouldn't get help, and she still took years to divorce him; but, with me, who she hardly even knows, she's telling my W that she should act fast, and never, ever "settle" for a life that isn't what she wants.

I'm a little worried about what I might say or do the next time I see this woman.

[Jug]

I feel the same way. My Ww claims that her sisters and even her ic say that the OM is good for her. How messed up is that?

[lt0402]

Dang -- already need another thread. I was just ranting about people who inject themselves into other people's marriages and get into the ear of a WW, push them along . . . and hoping they all burn in eternal hell fire. Is that bad?

Sounds highly rational to me JR! But I may be slightly biased!

Unfortunately, we can't control who our WWs take advice from. We can, however, control our actions and ourselves and hammer home we're not the monsters our WWs friends are making us out to be. My WW also is getting advice from college friends (who have never met me) to be with OM (whom they all went to college with) and bail on me bc I'm so awful. Taking a "NatGeo" perspective it's all quite absurd and funny (like monkeys throwing poo), but it [censored] when you're stuck in the weeds of this stuff day after day.

Regardless, I wholeheartedly condone the quoted statement from you above! Hang in there brother!

[RSG]

It seems like so many divorced women turn into hedonists, and encourage others to be on the idiot wagon with them. Disgusting human beings. Hedonism is for weak, childish people.

[JRuss]

My W and this "friend" I'm thinking of in particular aren't hedonists. But the "friend" sure thinks she knows what's best for my W. I've known her for 6-7 years but spoken to her only a handful of times, as had my wife before BD. She knows absolutely nothing about me. To my W's way of thinking, this woman handled her divorce and continues to handle her co-parenting perfectly. My W looks at her and sees it as proof positive that everything will be fine for our children (because this woman says her children are fine -- my W has no idea if this is true), and that she and I will be the friendliest, bestie co-parents ever.

This friend went to multiple marriage counselors and took years to divorce her H, and she now tells my W that was a mistake, that she wishes she'd D sooner. My wife is all ears, I think.

It makes me lose respect for my W, frankly. She was always such an independent thinker, not this fawning novice getting infallible wisdom from this Rasputin-like harpy.

[JRuss]

Unless, by "hedonism" you mean "I want to do what I want to do, and everyone else will be fine". In that case, yes -- hedonists.

[ForGump]

JRuss, it seems to me you're practicing a bit of mind reading, trying to imagine what effect your W's echo chamber friends and IC have on your W.

Why not just confront her? Tell her, "Hey, come on, let's be real. You're being selfish. Let's make sure we've done all we can to save this marriage before we give up. Let's talk about what we can try."

Come on over to my thread and see how well that approach goes...

[JRuss]

Yeah, tried saying variants of that, many times. We're told here to stop doing what doesn't work, so I stopped.

Now I need to stop with the mindreading.

[ForGump]

Yeah but were you as direct as I was?

And did she fly off the handle like my W did?

I think I completely screwed up my DB...