After that night I told her that she would not be sleeping in our MBR if she wanted to just do her own thing. I said "my bed" actually which made her furious. Yes I see that she just manipulated the situation to get out of the bedroom again.
Transparency was not real. She was upset and lied to me about something she said to one of our friends...I questioned it and asked to see the text and she had to admit to lying. She is still guarded with her phone.
I have felt pressure to "make her happy" from the beginning of our R. She doesn't take any responsibility for our R getting to this point. She isn't putting anything into working on us at all and expects me to "go out of my way" for her. Which translates "you make us better while I sit back and do whatever the hell I want". I'm done with that crap. I told her earlier that we need to just work on ourselves and not worry about "us" for now. Which brought on some spewing and fishing for support while doing it. Shes not willing to do anything different to make our situation better.
Obviously, there is a lot more that could be said about being happy with each other, and in the MR...........but cutting to the chase here, you are not responsible for your W's personal happiness. I mean, we shouldn't intentionally try to cause unhappiness for anyone, but we can't make another person happy..........if they don't want it. Happiness is a choice. I wanted to disagree when I first heard that statement, and then I read some books on the subject. I wanted to disagree about love being a choice, too. Well, I don't disagree, now. I have known one or two people who had such a bad attitude that they dared anyone to try to make them happy!
So, relieve yourself from that emotional pressure of trying to make your W happy. I don't have time to go into it, but I can understand how you acting on that belief, could enable your W in becoming somewhat spoiled and develop a habit of blamming you for whatever problems that cause her to feel less than perfectly happy. And, I can see how you would want to avoid conflict and/or do anything that might cause her mood to be bad.....maybe even to the point of you becoming more submissive, taking more blame, and eventually, losing sight of the man you once were.
Well, you are relieved of those incorrect responsibilities. You need to write a new job description for yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. This pressure I have been feeling is obviously encouraged by WW. I have a healthier view of happiness responsibility now, but she knows how to sneak those old thought patterns back in with guilt and blame. I see that I'm still susceptible to these tactics, but I'm getting better at spotting them.
The avoiding conflict part is what I am putting a lot of work into right now. I am not holding back anymore, but I am also not out of control angry like I have been in the past. I can talk with a confident firm voice when needed without yelling or being disrespectful, which is a huge deal for me. Of course confirmation and support here has been helping with that!
Job description eh? That sounds like a good exercise.
This pressure I have been feeling is obviously encouraged by WW. I have a healthier view of happiness responsibility now, but she knows how to sneak those old thought patterns back in with guilt and blame. I see that I'm still susceptible to these tactics, but I'm getting better at spotting them.
That is how she manipulates you. She pulls the guilt card on you, to get her own selfish way.
Quote:
The avoiding conflict part is what I am putting a lot of work into right now. I am not holding back anymore, but I am also not out of control angry like I have been in the past. I can talk with a confident firm voice when needed without yelling or being disrespectful, which is a huge deal for me. Of course confirmation and support here has been helping with that!
I think avoiding conflict is a pattern a lot of H's fall into, and it really causes the W to become very bossy, demanding, entitled, etc. Don't be afraid of her dramatics. When she sees you won't back down from her screaming, she'll bring on the tears. Just remember it's all manipulation. Any female can shed tears for a dramatic effect. Don't act sorry for her. Don't comfort her. Hold the line and don't back down and give in to what she wants.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Avoiding conflict is her thing mostly now. Of course she is allowed to poke and try to start conflict, but when a reasonable question is asked of her she wants to "not make things tense". I have been pointing it out saying that avoiding tension and conflict is how we made more problems between us. She doesn't argue with this, but uses her goto "I don't know" response which is her number one avoidance tactic! I forgot to mention I went to church (Christian). I haven't been in 5 years. W was supposed to go with me but she backed out thinking I would too, which fits with my old behavior. I went without her. She had been very cold earlier so I expected more of the same when I got home. But she actually apologized for her attitude earlier, she made me some food and was happy and talking. Hmm, that's different.
WW is a spoiled brat. I have been seeing it more and more lately. I have been letting the detachment slip a little bit, and getting frustrated in the process. The problem has been our mutual friends inviting us out a lot, so we usually means up going together. This must change. She doesn't feel like she losing anything.
Is there any reason why you haven't? It's essential to read them so that you can see where your M broke down based on your own history that we don't know about.
It's important that you do the work so you know what to change. Reading other people's posts are only good for their situation.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Check your local library - they may have a copy or be able to get one on inter-library loan.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
