It's been 9 months now since my W filed for D. She seems more friendly but we never discuss our marriage or future. I turn up to collect the kids, say hello and leave. Occasionally she will make me a coffee and discuss the girls schooling but nothing more. She did once say that I am a better person than I was but at the time didn't want to reconcile.
Should I carry on and just wait for the D to be made final or say something? I have followed sandi's rules and am more independent than I was at the start. Problem is the rules seem to be about distancing yourself and giving nothing away. My W doesn't seem to react much apart from wonder where I may go of an evening, but she's not that bothered either way.
She has the kids and that seems to be enough for her. She lives in our house and looks after them both, rarely goes out and only sees her mom and sister.
Just drives me nuts that I have to just sit by and say nothing. Is it because she doesn't respect me or is happy the way things are now and doesn't want it to change?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
She did once say that I am a better person than I was but at the time didn't want to reconcile.
She can say what she wants, but her opinion of you is no longer relevant. You become the person you want to be for YOU. For her to think she is in a place to evaluate your value as a person is condescending and hypocritical considering that she abandoned a family and has her own problems. Bottom line, don't let her manipulate you by trying to earn more of her praise. Walk the road you need to walk regardless of whether she spews or acts friendly about it.
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Should I carry on and just wait for the D to be made final or say something? I have followed sandi's rules and am more independent than I was at the start. Problem is the rules seem to be about distancing yourself and giving nothing away. My W doesn't seem to react much apart from wonder where I may go of an evening, but she's not that bothered either way.
The reasons following Sandi's rules hasn't 'worked' is because there is nothing that will 'work'. If we assume there is something you can do that will for sure bring your WAW back to the marriage, I can see why you'd figure 'this isn't working, switch it up'. But the problem with that measuring stick is it's a faulty assumption. Unfortunately there are a lot of times when WAW won't look back, or if she does it won't be for years, not months.
My compass has always been "if I knew she wasn't coming back no matter what I did, how would I want to live my life for ME?"
Personally I haven't seen any R's come about because of heart to hearts in which the LBS explains how they can change, how much they love WAS, or how WAS is making a mistake, etc. Feel free to comb through the archives and see if I'm wrong. So while there is no play that is guaranteed to 'work', there are things that are guaranteed to sabotage your chances and slow down the timelines dramatically.
So no, I don't think you have a conversation with her. Personally I think you need to detach more, and more. Not necessarily 'distance' more, but emotionally you need to keep striving for a place where you don't feel compelled to have R talks and watch her moves and constantly reassess your chances of R. It's hard and doesn't happen overnight, but keep trying to let go and move forward.
Sorry excile, it's such a hard loss that it is quite a journey to comprehend much less accept. WAS aside what's going on in your life?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Excile you say it is driving you nuts not to say anything. Well, the great thing is that you can say what you want. But you have to ask yourself how is that going to benefit you. You do not have to take abuse from her, but other than that, it's just water off of the duck's back. It is really futile trying to guess what she thinks or how she feels and trust me, you do not want to be in her head. There is a very good chance that even she doesn't know what she wants. In fact I'd be willing to bet a considerable amount on that.
So how does that help you you ask? You have to take your eyes off of her, start living your life as you would want to live it. I know we would all like to be in a loving relationship with our soulmates, but now it is time to learn to like and love yourself first and come to the realization that you will be ok weather your W decides to turn back or not...
Well zues126, I have thrown myself into my job which is very involved as I am part if a team building a new railway. I am finishing my degree in engineering, I go to the gym 4 times a week and see the kids three times a week. So I am pretty busy and enjoy researching and buying things fir my appartment.
I try not to worry to much about my waw. I think about possibly meeting someone new in the future. I still go out with my waw and the kids and we have a great time together as a family and that is puzzling me a bit. Maybe she knows that we are better together but is waiting out for something..either way, I just get on with what I am doing. I may be wrong, but I have this weird feeling that she may be waiting to divorce me just so she can re marry me? I know it's sounds crazy but I think she has a plan. I don't worry about it too much and just enjoy my peaceful life the way it is...what do you think?
My stbx contacted me to tell me that her lawyer is going to contact me to let me know when the divorce is to be finalized.
She then said that we need a clean slate and the divorce is necessary right now as our vows no longer meant anything. She continued that she can see that I have tried very hard to improve myself and that we will always be tied through the children and who knows where our relationship will go in the future. She says that she has forgiven me for my porn use and issues in the past.
She basically has everything worked out. She wants to end our marriage so we can start over in some way. I've never heard of anything like it before. I'm not sure if I should remain hopefull of a reconciliation or weather I should run for the hills! It seems she is still trying to be in control.
I know I should be happy that there may be hope for us in the future but a divorce is a very painful process and I don't know how I should feel about it all.
What should I be thinking/ doing? This is all so confusing...
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
She basically has everything worked out. She wants to end our marriage so we can start over in some way. I've never heard of anything like it before.
Yo can bet your ass she does not everything worked out... I think she's sending you on a guilt trip, implying that your porn use was to blame, yada yada yada...
I say you reread Sandi's rules and power on. Nothing changes if the D finalizes...
And yes, of course she ties to be in control. She "subtly" let you know that it was your issues that killed the marriage, so she was free to pursue her happiness.
Big congratulations on the improvements on yourself, but I have to tell you, that if you made the improvements just because/for your W, you did them for all the wrong reasons.
I gather you are under the 1 yr mark post BD, and the first year is bad, really tough, but it does get better.
Stay strong brother, be the rock in the life of your kids...
I still go out with my waw and the kids and we have a great time together as a family and that is puzzling me a bit. Maybe she knows that we are better together but is waiting out for something..either way,
So, if she's holding out for something better (prince charming), are you content to stand by and wait?
She hasn't lost you, Excile. She D you, and still has not lost you. She throws a few crumbs and you think it means hope of getting back together. In the meantime, she pretty much has things going for her. She has no doubt that you are "waiting", willing, and able to jump on the M train again.
Maybe she needs to see how a "real" divorce family lives. Know what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
During the last few weeks, my stbx ha been more friendly and willing to spend time with me and the girls. she told me that she feels that it is rare for a divorcing couple to get along so well....I feel like screaming inside as she seems oblivious to the fact that I am doing everything I can as described in the last resort technique and not just letting be. I always treat her with kindness and am supportive to her. She likes to keep everything open ended when stating our situation or when we talk about the future. Fact is that I live alone. I have not dated anyone and have no appetite for it. I am just old reliable me that is happy to spend time with her or the kids at any given moment. Our D8 is in hospital at the moment and my stbx is by her bed side all the time. I visit every day and am as supportive to her which makes her happy. I am still her rock. But then I leave and go back to my rental until next time.
I know reconciliation can take time and some people seem to just live their lives independently and not even see their ex for periods of time before reconnecting. I however, see her all the time as the kids are young and need us both.
Should I just continue with this arrangement or do something differently? The kids have grown used to this arrangement and seem happy to adapt to seeing their dad in a different house. For me though, I am alone and frustrated with it all. with divorce being finalized in two to three weeks, where do I go from here?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
"I am just old reliable me that is happy to spend time with her or the kids at any given moment."
Well, therein lies the problem I think.
"Should I just contine with this arrangement or do something differently?"
I would never advocate dating whilst still M, or for a good while after D - so I am in no way suggesting that. However, I would begin to make plans for yourself that involve meeting new people in social, educational, volunteering or whatever settings. Whatever floats your boat really.
It looks as though your D may be about to finalise. Do you still want to be same old you waiting for your W to call and suggest doing something. Heck no - I would get out there and take life by the horns. What have you always wanted to do but never gotten around to it? Well, now is the time for that I would say...
It also seems perfectly reasonable to adjust the care arrangements for the kids. Yes they need you both - but they don't need you both caring for them together if that doesn't work well for you.
Hope this helps a little and good luck with things.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
