Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[Zues126]

The MC you two attended a while back is totally different. That was for the two of you, and she was probably not in a place where she was truly interested in making the M work.

Family therapy now is entirely different. You say you organized it and she didn't know about it. Why didn't you get her input before you signed everyone up and scheduled it? Do you guys have any formal parenting agreement in place? In my D there is verbiage that basically says that things like doctors, dental work, extra curricular activities, etc, all require both parents on board. It's odd to me that you'd do this on your own and then think she should want to participate in any way.

So if I were you I'd tell her that you felt it would be good for the children to attend therapy, but that they are her children too and if she had concerns to let you know. Then if she was ok with it, I'd mention the IC thought her participation could be beneficial and extend the invite for the best interest of the kids.

However it plays out it's important to keep in mind that from a DB perspective the only thing that has anything to do with DB is how you choose to co-parent and how you choose to treat her. If there's any trace of wanting some type of family time with her, wanting her to talk to a therapist under the guise of family therapy, or anything to do with hoping this could help restore the marriage, then I think it's a bad plan because your expectations will do more harm than good. But if your focus is on what's best for your children solely then share that with her, and get her feedback both on therapy and her attendance so you two can start co-parenting cooperatively.

[Surfer]

We've had 4 sessions as a family and they have been a springboard to conversations at the house. I can say that the sessions have been helpful and certainly S16 has been more vocal at the Dr's then he ever has been at home.

I guess then I would go with the kids. It seems to be doing good. I suppose ours are younger. They tend to blurt out their thoughts - in the middle of nowhere. EG S6 yesterday, "Mummy is copying you Daddy. You are being nice to her (DB'ing) and she is copying you." Holy sh!t where did that come from.....

Teenage boys, yes I can see they might need some help to talk. Whatever works matey!

Keep it up.

Surfer.

[bigybiz]

Zues126 - Your wisdom is so helpful.

For clarification. W was with us at the Dr's office in June when the Dr said to all five of us that:

as a family we should continue to work together in September (boys are away at camp etc.)

W and I need to have MC to learn how to work together to save us from massive legal bills and more anger and resentment. That will only come if we have ongoing meetings with him.

I do get in July that W did not want to work on any kind of relationship with me, after 2 sessions. Despite the Dr's advice.

So in late August I contacted the Dr and set up the appointment for the family. So by no means did I organize it behind her back.

In April, she did not want to participate in the family therapy - but joined when S15 and S10 told her the Dr feels it would be best for us if she joined.

bottom line is - she will drift in and out of the therapy as it suits her.

You bring up the very salient points of my motives.

#1 - Boys and I live together and are working this new reality out on our own - expert help is a good idea. Figuring out what's OK, what's not, what to expect in the future, etc. So it's for the boys and I and D20 if she chooses to join.

#2 - I would be lying if said I did not wish W and I would get into MC and reconcile. I know that this will not happen until she thinks it's her idea.

As I said in my opening - I think it's a bad idea for her to come to a session(s) knowing that she is not going to take the expert's advice.

One of my questions is would it be seen as pursing if I told her/asked her to come. From your answer it would be a Yes.

So I guess I'll leave it as is, unless others recommend something different. If she wants to ask about it - she can.

FYI - no we don't have any kind of document that dictates how we book dentist appointments, etc. If it comes up - I'd be happy to hand over that authority for minor things i.e. recurring appointments, organized sports, etc. I would want "buy" in for anything new. Thanks for the tip.

Currently in Toronto placements in programs like hockey, swimming etc are in such high demand that many kids would not get enrolled if you had to wait for both (separated) parents to sign off.

[bigybiz]

Breaking News !!!!

One more major step in my GAL.

Today I passed the road test for my motorcycle licence - I can now ride at night, on highways, etc.

Not a big deal for the majority of the population - but it's an accomplishment for me.

Thanks to all of you who've supported me in my GAL.

[SH_]

Bigybiz I tip my hat to you for the GAL accomplishment and say I have a slight twinge of jealousy ...

Soon I hope to follow in your bike tracks...

Maybe a cross country trip on 2 wheels would be in order and we could start an MC...
Not the counseling type of MC...

[bigybiz]

Just came back from a family therapy session with S16 and S10. S16 expressed far more at the Dr's office than ever at home. Basically said too much confusion with the different factions of our family.

He did say he wished things could go back to the way it was - but he knew that was not his mum's wants. That was nice to hear.

S10 did not say much today.

I asked the Dr what we can do - the three of us to ensure we "launch" this part of our family (Boys and I). He said there is the risk of resentment and disappointment from the boys - no way to know. He did say we are doing the right things so far.

Again, he said we would have more success if W and D20 would come. They both knew about it. I understand D20 - she is building her own life autonomy from her family is a good thing.

W - she just wants to blame (I think) and the Dr won't accept that - so she won't come.

Let's see what happens next week.

[Melo]

Way to go on the motorcycle license Biz!! Seems like you are definitely forging ahead despite not getting the ideal feedback from the W. Good man!

[Di-mond]

Congrats on your M2 BigyBiz!!

I got mine last year, but had to sell my bike when I ran out of money.
I've been looking lately at buying another bike.
Next year! 😄

[Surfer]

Bigybiz

Sounds like the therapist is good. My WW just used the sessions for blame and victim spew. Total waste of time.

Good the boys are opening it up.

You are doing the right thing.

Surfer.

[bigybiz]

Update about me - I'm not sure how the detachment process is coming along. I know there are some days where I don't think of the W very much. Primarily if I'm busy.

W comes to the house 3 times a week to collect the S16 and S10. Typically S16 goes and eats dinner with her then comes back on his own for homework, etc.

S10 has started spending 1 night a week with W.

S16 on most Saturday's he spends less and less time with W. He has been doing more with me on those Saturday's. That's great for me and hopefully for him.

One example - S16 plays the trombone at school. As a way of supporting and encouraging him I took him and D20 to see a concert featuring horn sections i.e. Chicago and Earth Wind & Fire. It was a great time for me and I believe they enjoyed it. Funny thing W plays the trombone - I invited her to come, of course she declined.

We've done a few other things together on "her" days and of course being 16 he has his own activities.

There was a ceremony for S16 for those on the Honor Roll at school. I put the invite in the binder and noted the event on the calendar. W did not show. I'm sure S16 told her about it. I know he appreciated me attending - I've not asked him why his Mom did not attend.

I wonder if she is feeling the loss yet?

Family therapy is OK - we mainly talk about the grenades that W throws in and how the 3 of us should deal with them i.e. The boys should not be go betweens.

W comes over we hardly speak, I will reply if she sends a text but we are NC pretty much. Interestingly she wanted to see S10 in his halloween costume (I had a seamstress make the costume - W has made all of our children's costumes - but not this year).

She sent a text - I was too busy to reply. She called the land line. I answered and basically said "please come over. There will be some dinner if you want it and if you can help S16 with handing out the candy, he can keep to his homework". Then got off the phone quickly.

Well she came over. S10 and I came in for a pit stop - W was handing out candy, she took a photo of S10 when we came back at the end of the evening, she had put the food away and done the dishes. I was careful not to read anything into it. But, I was surprised.

I think that is it for an update. I'm keeping a distance from her, trying to fill her shoes in the house, limiting the flare ups. But, I still obsess.

I'm guessing that one day I'll look up and say - what was I obsessing about?