She has never admitted to an affair, but I suspect an EA. We agreed to not stay out late, since I have to get up early for work. We are supposedly trying to piece our R back together. Going out to bars without each other isnt a good idea for us given our history, especially right now in this critical time.
Thanks for explaining. I was missing the history piece.
We are also piecing, and one of the things that has been helpful ifor us is to realize that it's OK for us to function socially as individuals, but we don't have a history that makes that problematic.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
So she apologized the next day for not coming home with me, seemed legit. But now she says I took it too far by putting her pillow out for her to sleep on the couch that night. She says she's "not going to have that held over my head", which seems like WW speak for "I'm going to try to hold this over your head".
She's hasn't been sleeping in the MBR for the past couple of nights because of this. She also said she doesn't want to risk getting kicked out of bed again. I didn't do anything wrong by wanting space that night, but she seems to be fishing for an apology and wanting to blame me for something. That is usually what happens when she apologizes.
Now she has transitioned right back to treating me cold, and doing things for attention then rejecting any attention that I give. Then accuses me of not caring...its sad to see someone tear themselves down and then blame me each step of the way. I'm doing my best not to take his personal, but this is difficult. I'm taking a step back and continuing detachment and GAL.
We are taking things a lot slower now. She is still out if the MBR and it seems she will continue to be for a while. In all honesty I am happy with her in another room. I have felt a lot of pressure to "keep her happy" while working on our R. The personal space I have feels really good. We have been spending time together, but it's much more comfortable than before. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to be close to her to make up for lost time, but this was killing the vibe of it all and causing her to pull back. I have made it a point to give it a month of just hanging out with W in this chill mode, which seems to be going well. This is also helping to reduce the impulsive changes in my behaviour. I have been flipfloping with her moods, giving up on her and being a little cold, then comforting her when I saw that she was hurting. Not good. To be more consistent and to not identify her with negatives I came up with "give up on her actions, but don't give up on her". Maybe theres a better way to word that, but it is helping with my overall view of the situation.
I think you've arrived at the mustache stage of DB. You have to sneak into your wife's room while she's asleep and draw a mustache on her using a permanent marker. She'll never know it was you that did it.
W is back to her routine of going out on her own until 12AM+. This is a difficult morning for me. I've been pretty strong lately, but I'm so disappointed in her it's really got me down.
We agreed to not stay out late, since I have to get up early for work. We are supposedly trying to piece our R back together. Going out to bars without each other isnt a good idea for us given our history, especially right now in this critical time.
Quote:
We are taking things a lot slower now. She is still out if the MBR and it seems she will continue to be for a while. In all honesty I am happy with her in another room. I have felt a lot of pressure to "keep her happy" while working on our R. The personal space I have feels really good. We have been spending time together, but it's much more comfortable than before.
Quote:
W is back to her routine of going out on her own until 12AM+. This is a difficult morning for me. I've been pretty strong lately, but I'm so disappointed in her it's really got me down.
When the two of you agreed to not staying out late, going to bars, etc.......were there to be any consequences if either of you did not honor the agreement?
I want to comment about a few things. Okay, she agreed to transparency with her phone accounts? But did she agree for you to look at her phone messages without any notice/warning from you? Transparency means completely in the open and nothing is hidden. If a WW agrees to transparency, it helps her as much as it helps the H.....just in different ways.
She tested you right off the bat, and you moved her pillow to the couch. She reacted in true WW drama, and twisted things around to where she was spotlighting on you, instead of the truth about her disrespectful decisions that night. What she did by twisting things around is an old manipulative trick, and you need to see it for what it is!
She has conveniently created an "excuse" to start sleeping in a separate bedroom. But it's not based on the true facts. She says it's b/c her H threw her out of the MBR and she was so afraid of being kicked out again. Yeah, right! She didn't do a thing she didn't want to. She played you.
If a man feels relieved from the pressure of his W being in the same bedroom, warning bells go off in my head. The first thing I wonder is how long has he lived under that kind of pressure. There should be a little meaning behind "A man's castle is his home", don't you think? You are trying to accept what she's throwing out there, but she is disrespecting you and maybe you just don't know what to do about it. So, you tell yourself you're taking things slow and you like the new setup.
Do you know why you are feeling so low today? I suggest it's b/c you have been waiting for her to make changes. You have been waiting for her to do the work.....and make your job so much easier. You have been watching her do whatever she wants......without any consequences for the disrespect she is showing.
I don't think she is anywhere close to being serious about piecing the M back together. Not as long as she can throw a few breadcrumbs and continue to behave like a girl gone wild.
You can't control her, but you can influence her by your attitude and actions. As long as you are hanging out with her and not causing any waves......don't expect her to change for the better. She is wayward. She doesn't have to be in an affair to be wayward. Waywardness is about disrespect, anger, and rebelling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
