I almost never post anymore - and I can't believe I'm getting sucked in here - but here goes..
First of all - I doubt you have any interest in what I have to say because I'm a woman who didn't save her marriage - but I have been employed as a statistician and data miner at various points in my (successful) career, so there's that......
Dude- as bluntly as it can be said - you are casually tossing off some of the very best advice you could be getting. I can't believe the number of people who have taken the time to post detailed, thoughtful, meaningful advice to you. It's such a gift and you're just throwing it away.
Much like Wonka - I have wondered what you are even doing here - you don't seem open to anyone else's point of view, seem entrenched in your own plan to save your marriage (which appears to consist of waiting and praising your wife) and keep repeating things that have not been said - such as people encouraging you to date someone else. FYI, GAL stands for "Get a Life" not "Get a Lady".
Finally I have to ask - you clearly have a high opinion of yourself, are a self proclaimed successful real estate entrepreneur, claim to look 10 years younger than you are, casually insult whole groups of people, and double down when people call you on it, disregard good advice from people with more experience than you and cling to simple solutions to complex problems.
Hi CLD, Hope you are feeling good. I don't believe I've posted on your thread before. I am an avid reader, but don't have much to post to others. I found divorce remedy the day before I moved out of my house well over a year ago; And was exposed to this community shortly thereafter. I read tons and tons and tons and I still do (sometimes I check in here multiple times a day). Not because I'm nosey, but because I continue to learn from everyone else's situations. So many of us have been crushed to smithereens by our ex's. In sharing our stories we become even more vulnerable and sometimes we can feel scrutinized.... But the truth is, this really is a safe space. For all of us participating, theres a lot of emotional work that happens behind the scenes in our real lives and I have no doubt that you are processing things in your way.
I rarely post to others because I have minimal contact with my wh. I really can't give advice.... Only encouragement. We have a mere seconds of interactions each week and I have no idea what does work and what doesn't work in terms of DB protocol. I have been DBing solo for over a year as he's never given me any breadcrumbs or shown any interest in working things out or even talking things through. He's still hell bent on the fact that we should have never gotten married..... And yet I finally got to place where that doesn't derail me for the rest of the day. You've heard it before and I'll say it again... DBing is all about saving yourself. It's a one man show from here on out, CLD. There's absolutely nothing you can do to convince your wife otherwise. You can only work on yourself an be the best CLD possible for you and your kids.
With that, I want to be a friend and let you know how lucky you are to have these DB legends reach out on your thread. When I saw posts by J3B, Mr Bond, Wonka, Ericsmants, and others, I immediately clicked on your thread to see what they had to say. They are like unicorns these days and rarely spotted! Their comments and advise are coming from a place of experience. They know what they are talking about! I would have loved some 2x4s from them. (And as you know, 2x4s are par for the course here in our community.... It's just a form of tough love.... And it really does come from a place of compassion)
I remember when I posted in newcomers, Sandi made some comments on my threads. I must say, I got palpitations when I had seen her response. Why? Because she's been there and done that. She's come out the other side and has experience and pearls to share. We haven't come out the other side yet... We're not even close. We're still in the thick of things. I personally would feel so fortunate to have a virtual friend, like these fine humans, reach out to me and say, "hey, I've been down this street before.... Here's how you can try to navigate the terrain"
The vets are our lifelines!
So, why am I rambling now? Because, I too care about you and your marriage/ wife and I want you to come out of this with everything you hope for. I want to whisper in your ear and tell you that you have the best of the best coming out of the forest to help you and offer advice. You are so fortunate!!! They can't tell you what to do... They can only offer a different perspective. It's up to you if you want to hear it or not. Again... Sometimes it's difficult to get the 2x4s.... But it does come from a place of compassion.
I Apologize for the ramble. As someone who is trying to DB right along side you, I just wanted to reach out and remind you that this is part of DBing and a result of putting our situations out there. I hope you have a nice day CLD and I'm rooting for you.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Bon giorno CLD. I think many of us are confused as to what you are seeking. Do you want to save your marriage? Or are you looking for support for something else?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, I am looking for people that share my values and my values are: 1. I am going to wait for my wife to come back until death do us part. 2. I am not going to look for a girlfriend 3. I am always going to praise my wife in front of the children no matter what. 4. I am not going to pursue my wife, I will just wait for her to pursue me. 5. I will get a life on my terms, when I want, how I want it.
If somebody doesn't agree with my values, they shouldn't post on my thread because my values are not negotiable. Once I ask people to leave me alone, they should respect that and stop posting on this thread.
Not listening to people who don't see things or do exactly as you do is called IGNORANCE. What you listed above are not values. Values are lost on you.
If you treated your wife as disrespectfully as you do to the posters here who gave up their free time, their patience with you, their valuable insight, well, there is no shock she left. She saved herself.
Enjoy waiting around. it will be for the rest of your life if you remain as ignorant and disrespectful as you have proven yourself to be.
Chiming in on your thread as I have been reading along what has been unfolding so far.
Oh dear, you have really upset some of the greats and that will put other posters off from visiting you. The point of being here on this board is to find the help and support you will need to get you through this time, so please try not to alienate people, they are only trying to help you.
I know you will probably not listen to me, but you asked for my story, I gave it and you jumped on it, its what you have been seeking out, the hope and possibility - what you don't seem to realise is the hard work I did on myself during the time my h was gone from my life. I did a lot of internal work, seeing that I had a lot of issues myself, parts of me I really did not like, I had lost myself in my marriage.
I did not sit around "waiting" for my h to return, I left him alone to get on with his life and started to rebuild mine. I was very fortunate to stumble across this board and with advice and guidance from the vets and those who are further down the road from me, with support and kindness from those who joined around the same time, I have rebuilt my life, I have become a stronger, better and happier person. I am extremely grateful and humbled by the love and support I get from the wonderful people here.
One thing I do know for sure is if I had remained the same person as my h left, he would not have returned to my life. I strongly urge you to look at this time apart from your w as a gift, its a chance to look inward at yourself and really do some soul searching, you are not perfect, the sooner you accept this better.
From what I have observed you seem to have swallowed a MLC encyclopedia, backed up by some dodgy research papers seemingly written by a high school student. I would advise that you dont believe everything you read and certainly don't offer your information as advice to others - when you are new to here, you are raw and broken, so being given information that is incorrect or being given false hope, is not kind.
May I ask, why are you here? What would like to achieve from being on this board? I ask out of interest, as you seem to push back and tell everyone they are wrong all the time, so I am a little confused as to what you are seeking if you know all the answers already ......
