Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[Coly23]

Sounds like some sound advice Gump. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. You are only human and in situations like this every word or sentence seems to get magnified. You are dealing with some tough emotions so give yourself a break if you do backslide every now and again...

[ForGump]

Thank you-- although it's so simple, just reading you-all's supportive messages mean a lot to me.

I think if my W made a good faith effort to *collaboratively* resolve our marital problems, I would be at peace to let her go find her happiness elsewhere.

I just don't think she has done that. In her mind, she struggled for years, but she did it all by herself, in her own head. That's not enough. Not for me.

[CT1118]

ForGump - first, this whole thread began w/ you recommending:
Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

I finally watched that this afternoon and holy $hit is my Roku tv awesome! W never wanted a Roku, I did. Now I live alone and now I have one. I have a Ted Talk app on there, had never used it. Via you buddy, via you. I hope you understand my humor - sarcastic, but also ironic, but also real. In all seriousness, excellent and my brain was frustrated, watched it twice just to recommit to the fact that science can svck, but it also survives.

On the above sitch today - thank you sir, combined w/ my stuff on another forum, cleared me up good 'n plenty. Hate to say it, but your sitch went parallel to mine and your mistake prevented me from creating my own [Hat-tipped]. You knew it, I knew it, others validated it...cannot convince a chaos kid they are doing wrong. In alignment with others, wait on the apology, let her be mad. Use apology only as offense, never in defense. Want to read that again? Apology as an offense, never as a defense. Does not change the meaning IMO, but it dmn sure depends on the timing.

Remember my thread "number one thing all men do - try to fix things..."

[Jug]

Gump,

Most of us have done similar. Don't get too down on yourself. You are fighting hard and should be proud of yourself. Hang in there.

[ForGump]

Apology as an offense... I like that.

But I'm discouraged. She just seems so damn far gone. Beyond reason. And even if she were to become, magically, a reasonable person, I feel like whatever pool of love and affection she had for me at one point has all dried up during this divorce process, and now we're like this weird ... emotional strangers who share kids and a history. She really did a damn good job leaving me emotionally. She left nothing behind for me to hold on to.

I want to give up, for me. But I can't, for my kids. Hope to feel better tomorrow, somehow.

[albac]

Gump, it's easy to overthink all of this God knows we all do it. The way I look at it and there are so many examples of this I see around me. Yes our W's right now have done there best to convince themselves they need better/deserve better/ arnt happy. It will take TIME and the realization that everything they are building themselves up for as being better IS NOT better before they will see what they had was in fact already good!

That's the way I view it and I am not giving up by letting her find the path because weather it was now or later this had to happen for her to realize what she had. If and I seriously doubt this but if she decides long term that this is what she wants then regardless of how totally gutted I feel I'm glad she left because I don't have time in my life to waste it with someone who's not 100% committed.

It's seriously all perspective we FEEL ripped apart and that's human nature but I know that regardless of what happens I have one shot at this life and if she decides she doesn't want to live it with me then I don't want her to. You need to try and look at it from different angles and truly believe that it is her loss not yours. And when you believe you feel better and you come across far more attractive to her because you don't care! Well maybe not don't care but you are open to let life take its course. This has made me feel so much better of late and I can feel that she knows I'm slipping away.

Stay strong.

[CT1118]

Hey brother. I was done here for the night...about to log off and saw you updated. You have hung on, logged in, and helped me when I was down and out more then once. I know you want to give up, but I also know you don't. Nothing here is about giving up. This place, where you have proven yourself, is about fight.
Why do we fight? We fight for self. We fight for children. We fight for spouses.

Assuming all here got married at some point...we all took a vows. In my experience they did not fully hit me me at the time. I did not have a Christian wedding, but there were elements of similar meaning. My W and I summed it up..."a promise (engraved inside her ring)...to never leave home again (inscribed inside my ring)"

I don't know if those vows, whatever they read like, whatever they were, are ever repeated in our heads enough. I did not even want to get married, but I did, and here I am in fully ironic glory. Don't loose sight ForGump. What matters to the future is how you behave, right now, right here. You have you my friend, and your kids are watching. Their father is a strong man who will be damned before he goes out on his knees. You have already proven that...here and there, wherever it is that you are on this earth.
You do not have to continue with anything you do. Just make sure whatever you do, it is for you; it is ForGump. You got 10 reads for every post here on average. More people look to your story than you get back, so the onus of responsibility is for you to keep giving back.Do not sheath that sword yet my friend, you are a fighter. This fight is not for her, this fight is for you.

[MMM1919]

Gump,

I get what you mean about the love drying up. It is hard to go from intimacy in every way (or most ways) to what feels like a stranger. Of course we are upset about all of this!! If we weren't upset about losing our spouses, there would be something wrong with us, IMHO!!

[JRuss]

Gump -- I'm GALing at the pool with the kids but wanted to let you know I'm sending you positive vibes. What you wrote about her not trying WITH you hit me hard. It's the part that kills me the most. You're a good man. Your kids know it, even if your wife lost the ability to see you. Hang in there.

[AndrewP]

Overall, IC advised, don't lose my backbone, and don't get deep into detailed arguments.

ForGump - you're doing about as good if not better than any of us in a very trying situation. Because I'm the "educate yourself" and "beware of L" guy there is one thing I will add. Be very very careful of anything and everything that could possibly be used in front of a judge. Even if it is written down in electrons somebody can pull that out and take it completely out of context. Just because you are looking at the DIY divorce doesn't mean that your W might not find a hungry shark to come after you.

Keep wearing clean underwear and stay strong my friend.