Feeling lost 2

[srt]

OK folks a bit of an update

we continue to "date" but W is not prepared to make any changes yet - when I ask what she thinks we should do/change she says we are doing this (dating)

When on dates I try to be upbeat and carefree, and think I'm doing pretty well on the small talk and conversations we are having. I also seem to have got the message not to push some things when I gauge her response as not being positive. We are still planning time together, but I'm unsure as to how "positive" the signs she is giving out about this.

I understand it will be very difficult at first, and have decided now to stop any kind of pressure as I know it will not be helpful. My questions regards the "37 rules" and which ones may now be a hindrance to reconcilliation?

I tink I've been reasonably good at letting her know what a D looks like, and I know through family friends she hates it that I am able to get on with things w the kids in her absence. To what degree should I be "softening" things? I do not want to be a doormat at all, yet I've been reading on the MLC forum (for which she has displayed every sign at some point in the last year) that doormat tactics are sometimes what is required.

Still feeling lost.............. hoping her fog will lift

[srt]

Hi folks, is anyone able to give me some advice on this?

[doodler]

OK folks a bit of an update

we continue to "date" but W is not prepared to make any changes yet - when I ask what she thinks we should do/change she says we are doing this (dating).

srt,

It sounds like cake eating to me. Like a super-duper five layer chocolate cake.

[AndrewP]

srt - I'm not really sure what to think here. On the surface it seems that you and your W have completely different expectations on what "date" means.

It sounds like you are looking at it as a pathway back into the MR and that she's looking at it as a nice night out with a friend. Has she give you any indications of her future plans? Does she seem lost? Other than the rumours of her being jealous of your time with the kids does she seem to miss the MR?

She may be walking a completely different path than you towards who knows what destination.

[srt]

I've done some reflecting since my last post to think over how I have been.
I know I am still too attached, and tbh feel myself getting sucked back in, I know this is not doing me any good to the point where I feel incredibly anxious on our "dates".
I know I need to relax, chillout and stop getting worked up about this. W has said she does want to see me just doesn't want to feel pressured, so I suppose I need to respect that.

I terms of our sitch I think she has finally twigged what a D would look like and has decided not to pursue the for the time being.

The difficulty I have is she is not "all in" to the dating on reconciliation, yet I know my db'ing pisses her off. Yet in my attempts to reach out I don't feel she is willing to reciprocate, it is just taking and requesting things by her. I'm not sure if I want to let her do this, since I would not be happy in a one-sided M.

She has said she thinks I am a wonderful dad, and can see herself in a relationship with me, but my feelings seem to be sabotaging things. I have made a situation out of nothing a couple of times recently and I know I need to stop it - previously I was cool as a cucumber but now feel like this is the last throw of the dice and I'm desperate for it to work.

What I'm finding hard is my sitch seems in-between full on db and piecing, yet I want to ensure I'm not doing any more damage.

[srt]

forgot to thank you two guys for your posts above

yes my W has asked for some things which previously I would have considered "cake eating". I suppose I need to be more open to giving if this is going to work.

also yes I know I am looking at it as a pathway, that's my logical organised rational side poking out. The problem is I don't feel like I'm able to show her my best side due to my worries... this is my problem I know and I'm trying to deal with it.

[srt]

Hi folks, checking in again after an eventful couple of weeks. W and I have continued to meet up approx once a week to spend some time together.
We had went to a local bar for a drink, however since I was driving ordered a coke, and she wanted herbal tea! She seemed on edge all evening, even though I was comfortable and projecting confidence. We chatted about lots of things, and some possibilities for future "dates" but I sensed she was not as positive about this as me. Evening ended when she was saying she was tired (seems to be a recurring theme) and dropped her off at home.

I then vented (in private) to family (who would not break confidence) about how there is no committment there, and how frustrating it is to do "dating" but with no willingness to come out and say she wants to work on things - just a "lets see how this goes".

Fast forward to the next evening. I have kids and she phones late in floods of tears. She is cut up, crying and saying how sorry she is for everything that has happened and this sitch. I (maybe stupidly) said come round which she did. We then talked for half an hour about all sorts of things. She says she has no confidence, feels old (only 35), thinks her body is falling apart, hates it how she hardly has any time with kids as they don't really want to be with her, thinks she is having an mlc, etc etc. She says she feels really low, never goes out and has been to doctor about it today!

She also mentioned how she was finding the dating hard, she really wants to do it but feels confused. She said she thinks she still loves the EA person, but said she knows she can't have him and that it is stupid. She plain admitted she had lied all the way through counselling about this too, and said last contact was at xmas? She said she had talked with doctor about this and said she needed time to get it out of her system.

Wasn't really sure how to respond to this stuff other than to hear her and try to comfort her as best I can (thinking better not to try anything stupid). In response to the EA stuff I simply said I was not willing to share her and things can not work if she doesn't deal with this. She ended up leaving after calming herself down but was back to being slightly standoff ish again.

This seems to have confirmed for me my W's mlc. I should add she has also recently got a tattoo which she was unaware I knew about.

So, cue forwards to our weekly "date time" and she bails this time. No mention of not doing it (despite we agreed we'd meet that night every week) and she tried to drag me into an argument about how I should have contacted her about it beforehand to check it was on?

The next day (Sat) I got a phonecall out of the blue to go swimming with her and D&S. Knowing what was coming I agreed (love pool time with the kids anyway ) At pool she is dressed in a *stunning* swimsuit and is flashing her new tattoo. I played it cool but now found it hard not to be seriously physically attracted to her, and felt she just did this to drag me back in...

Anyway we have just had out latest date night, during which I stupidly raised the issue of commitment and said I didn't think meeting once a week was going to make much difference to our circumstances. I said that nothing is going to change unless we agree to make some changes, and also said it was difficult to do "dating" when she wasn't committed to it. This was met with some hostility, which I managed to defuse and not engage with. In the end we agreed a pizza and movie night the next day at the marital home.

W arrived for this and in total spend around 3 hours at the MH. We had a good time, some laughs and the kids *loved* it too. A couple of things came up though - she was unwilling to come upstairs to help bath or bed the children. Secondly she avoided being "close" to me, both at meal times and when watching movie. Although I think I can understand why I'd like some advice on how to handle this - I'm expecting to be hit by a large piece of 2x4 with the words "detach" on it though

I'm wondering if I would be better off in the MLC forum now, and id consider if we'd started piecing (but definitely not confident about it enough now to state that)

All comments very welcome, have actually found the last 2 weeks more trying emotionally than the previous couple of months.

[srt]

bumping for anyone out there in similar circumstances.... how did you deal with this?

[sandi2]

Has there been something in your W's childhood that left unresolved issues for her? Was there a tragedy or some incident that impacted her life? Any close loss, recently? Has she had trouble with depression throughout the M?

Have you read any information about a wayward wife?

[srt]

Hi, I've read and read and read .....

MIL has always "bullied" and controlled W and set very high expectations about everything. W lost grandmother last summer. She has always been a bit up and down - not sure if bipolar or not?

She did visit doctor of her own accord due to her feelings and mood. She said she needed to get EA OM out of her head, but also says she last contacted him at xmas??? Doctor was unwilling to prescribe AD first but will consider them in due course.

W is also diabetic, and MIL lost her M at a young age - all combining to put strain on relationship. I know I'm not perfect either, far from it, but the longer this goes on the more certain I am of mlc & unresolved childhood stuff - a rebellion of sorts.

What I'm wondering is how to approach this "dating", I'm finding it harder than DBing as it is drawing me back in. Yet at times I see glimpses of genuine warmth, but then she can go steely quick too. Just not sure as to why she is doing it if her heart is not in it. I don't want to do any damage or allow cake eating, yet I don't know if this is her sign and way of saying she was to R. W is not very confident and says her self esteem is rock bottom. I'm trying my best to be supportive to her feelings (validating) without agreeing with the not so good bits!