Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #2]

[JRuss]

With both of those said, if there's no hope, there's no hope. A lot of this relies on W waking up at some point and realizing this is not the right move. Then on top of that, she needs to be willing to work hard to fix things. If she's not willing to do that, then even w/ my D in the picture, it's a non-starter unfortunately. We'll just need to be civil, and active co-parents. [censored], but that's where most of us seem to be.

I'm starting not to think there's much hope for any of us. I think what I -- and maybe others here -- never really internalized/understood was that our marriages really were truly dead by the time we got the news. Not in trouble or even in deep trouble, but dead. We're trying to use those electric paddles on something that was DOA before it ever got to the ER.

[Jug]

Great attitude lt! I agree with both points and try to tell myself those when I'm feeling beat down.

[lt0402]

JR, I've had the same thoughts recently. That maybe it's just so far gone that nothing I do will bring my M back to life. It's depressing to think, but may very well be the case and if it is I'll just need to accept that.

With that said, the old M may be DOA and not revive-able, but that doesn't mean a new M can't grow in it's place w/ my W. If us LBS's can rebuild ourselves into better people then there's at least a glimmer of hope. And, if worse comes to worse, and there is no new M to rise from the ashes, at least we are better parents for our kids and better prepared to succeed in future relationships.

It seems like there is a positive outcome to be had, regardless of how the situation w/ our WWs works out. All comes back to focusing on ourselves and making us better people. I figure to get to that point, I need more time than I've put in so far. May as well fight for my M, via DB'ing, while I work on myself at the same time.

[RSG]

I actually think there's hope for many of us. But, are we willing to keep waiting until the women get a grip and figure out their mistake? At least with me, I can still sense some love coming from W; however, if I pressed now she'd run for the hills. That's it isn't it? Time. As I've read from Cadet, many times the M dies because once the W figures things out and wants back in the H has gotten sick of waiting around. I can see this. The more we figure out we don't need them, the latent love and warmth starts to dissipate.....

[albac]

RSG,

I am in line with your thoughts. I want my W back I want what we had but I do not need it. I will be ok no matter what happens between us and life will go on for me.

I still feel love from my W even now but she is almost choosing not to see it or putting effort in to not wanting to see it. I am willing to see what happens and if my W wants to work things out great but I am not waiting around for her to come back I am working on myself and when I truly feel I am ready to move on (and I don't mean straight into a full on relationship) I will do what I feel is right.

Just like you said RSG I think it takes to the point they can see we are moving on before they realize what's going on and it seems from what I have seen so many cases by the time they realize and want back in it's too late.

I have friends that have been through exactly this and he rolls end up reversed one of my best friends mum walked out on his dad because she wanted fun blah blah all the reasons they think they want and then years down the track she was begging him to come back to her but he was happy with someone else. She now lives a boring single life regretting everyday the decision she made and he is happily re married.

Just one example but such a tragedy really.

[RSG]

1 small nitpick: I don't want what I HAD with W, that got me to this place. I want to tear down the abandoned house, and rebuild an even greater dwelling on a solid foundation.
I think that's what you meant too though.

That story truly is tragic.

[ForGump]

I ... never really internalized/understood was that our marriages really were truly dead by the time we got the news. Not in trouble or even in deep trouble, but dead. We're trying to use those electric paddles on something that was DOA before it ever got to the ER.

Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Yep. Let's not fool ourselves. The odds are no good when you look at the whole lot of us as a collection.

But each case is just not knowable. We have to accept that each of our case is a known unknown.

[ForGump]

Journaling:

WW gone most of the day to help her Dad w/ some medical appointments. Spent all day w/ S. We always have a great time together. When she came back, she was warm and friendly. OK, not warm, but tepid, which is noticeable compared to the usual cool demeanor. No mention of D paperwork for days. Wondering if her Dad told her to slow the hell down, and re-think the D.

Feels like the calm before the storm.

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. ... Some day this war's gonna end." -- Col. Kilgore

[Si_07]

Albac, I have friends tell me similar stories. One of our friends had a friend that left her husband trying find herself, a number of things similar to my W, and took 9 years to wake to what she had. Her husband is happy and remarried and she is sad and alone... I think this happens more often than people realize.

My W, however, has cut these friends out of the picture for her new single friends. Anyone that doesn't agree with her gets shut out, even her own family is getting shut out.

[lt0402]

FG, tepid is a good way of describing about how warm they are capable of getting nowadays. Who knows why she had the mood change though. No mind reading!

I understand the calm before the storm view. I'm going through that a lot nowadays. Seems like all you can do is ride it out though. Like a hurricane, you can't stop the winds, you can only find a place to hunker down before you come back out and start to rebuild.

Keep grinding forward though bud. You're not alone!