you going out of your way letting your W know that the door is still open, is actually the worst thing you could do. It goes against the common sense, but I'd be willing to bet the farm on this one.
It just reinforces her belief that Andrew is waiting and being a good Plan B if OM situation should fail. Do you really want to be anyone's plan B? She needs to feel the loss of you... Plain and simple...
Well - that horse had already left the barn when I got on my knees and begged her to stay on the day she left. The only way that this will get back to WW is indirectly though through heaven-only knows what sort of distortion via rumour and gossip and her friend's own agenda.
How do you suggest that she "feel the loss"? I'm already NC and essentially have been since she walked out a month ago. She's seen the piles of boxes of her stuff growing in the front porch. She's seen me having GAL activities. Having given up mind-reading I can't really "know" what she's feeling. On the other hand I get chastised here regularly for trying to manipulate her.
I am so glad you asked me that...
First of all there are 2 things you should be aware beforehand:
1. I understand you buddy, I really do, I've been you 2 years ago, so do not even try telling me that I do not know how you feel. I DO! I made same mistakes as you made (and are making)
2. Anything and everything said to you is directed in a loving way towards you. Even if you perceive something as an attack on you, it is not. It is what on these boards is known as a 2x4, a loving and gentle whack on the back of your head to get you on the right track.
You already made the classical mistakes of begging, pleading and reasoning with the W. It did not work, you never stood a chance there. I did the same...
Your W saying that she is confused and torn is just blowing smoke up your ass. She is lying. Plain and simple. She does not want to be with you and she's made that clear by leaving (and of course firetrucking another man (sorry to be blunt here buddy)). She just does not want to come off as a censored to her circle of people, so she is making her stories to fit the facts. Do not go believing for one second that she is sorry in any shape or form. You have to realize that there is a fresh new fire lit up under her soul and she feels alive and better than probably in decades. Do not believe her. Her OM is her soul mate (in her eyes) and she could not care less for you...
You have to shelve your feelings for your W and get on with your life. That is the ONLY way to go.
Are you familiar with Sandi's rules? If not, do find them, print them out and laminate them for daily studies.
Doodler has a point. What do you think about asking her to get the rest of her stuff out of your house? (or making a kind and charitable donation!) I know it goes against your thoughts that the home is always open to her to come back to, but it would probably go a long ways towards your detaching were you not looking at those boxes every day.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
You have to shelve your feelings for your W and get on with your life. That is the ONLY way to go.
Vapo - I do believe that you think that these words are meant in a caring way - even the ones that the board automatically censored. Yes, I have read Sandi2's "rules" and followed them as best as I can. Yes I did beg and plead especially before I found this board many many months ago. Yes I did beg and plead one night, one last time when she walked out of my life.
If I were to believe what you are saying then I would give up right now, file for D and move on cursing her name to the heavens as I did so. There would be no hope for any reconciliation and the destruction of my family would be on my hands.
Now I got into trouble for this before and ended up leaving the forum for a while in disgust and anger, but I don't believe you. I know you mean well but I hate to say it you are a random person on the internet who may or may not have posted on my thread before but seems to have shown up today for some reason. I've gone back and read some of what you have posted for others and there seems to be a consistent thread of negativity, anger and spew.
Perhaps OM is her "soul mate". Perhaps she doesn't care for me. How can you - a random person on the internet who has had their own pain - reading your past posts it didn't turn out well either, be so very definitive and know this so completely when her own best friend told me that she didn't know this herself. And trust me - that person would have gloried it all over me if she did. You are not a person with whom I wish to debate this matter. I have no desire to be dragged down to your level of negativity and bile.
Trust me "buddy" - I've heard the "GAL", "give up", "she's a censored" thing many many times. I'm still standing, but barely so please please please - unless you have something more helpful to offer than profanity, smoke and platitudes, please be quiet and let the people who are actually trying to help and sympathize have their say.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/25/1607:52 AM.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Doodler has a point. What do you think about asking her to get the rest of her stuff out of your house? (or making a kind and charitable donation!) I know it goes against your thoughts that the home is always open to her to come back to, but it would probably go a long ways towards your detaching were you not looking at those boxes every day.
But - it's a doodler point, not even a complete doodle. The boxes themselves aren't really a problem and I'm slowly filling more as I can find the strength to do so. Seeing them actually helps give me strength in my detaching because for me it is something tangible I am doing to move on.
Since she passes by the house regularly I have no doubt that she sees them. If it comes to pass that she leaves completely and I still have her stuff then I'll make arrangements for disposal. In the mean-time I'm sticking with the no contact plan. It's probably best for both of us (I think?) to not be pushing her on anything right now. I don't want her to feel that I'm pursuing her. If the sight of stacks of boxes don't make her realize how close she is getting to losing me then the absence of them won't either.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
lt0402 - I wish I had an edit button. I didn't cover your point about the house being open for her to come back to. Legally I cannot deny her access to the matrimonial home, it's contents or any other matrimonial or joint assets. If I were to dispose of any matrimonial property I could be held liable for it.
"Welcome to come home" is a different topic altogether even if the words are similar that I hope I covered earlier that involves passwords and secret mazes. I just need doodler to stop fussing with the patina on his garage doors and build me a giant boulder and some snake-faced gods.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As I said I have no desire to be intrusive. I will only say the following and then leave you to your business...
1. No where have I said your W was a "censored". She is a deeply troubled human being in a lot of pain. I meant that it is her pain and she has to find her way through it. You cannot help her. You can't. 2. No where have I said Give up. I said get on with your life and heal, no where have I said you kick her to the curb and start any type of a new relationship. 3. I am sorry you see my posts as bile. I prefer to think of them as honest and BS free... 4. Standing is not in case your W decides to come back, standing is for you to heal... 5. I have come to realize that some things I bestowed on you were probably too advanced for the stage you are in, so I do apologize...
Sorry buddy, best of luck to you, this is my last post to you...
Andrew.... Vap does have a lot to offer.... Maybe go reread his posts when your mind is in a better place and focus on message. I've missed him personally.
The biggest problem I see for you at the moment (even though you deny it) is that you are doing things to get a reaction... Plain and simple. Most of us have done it... I know I have. How about moving her crap to the basement or some where out of site? Stick to normal pre BD FB activity (I still say unfriending or blocking is best for your own sanity). Be cordial and up beat to WWs or mutual friends but don't get into the relationship issues. Everything will get back to her in a natural way... Trust me... Just let it flow.
I've never seen anyone on any thread mention give up on those forum. That's not the point and not what anyone is saying.
I was going to respond to the prior posts but I need to calm down and move forward. I have no place in my life for negativity, spew or profanity and am deeply offended and saddened to find it here which should be a place of support and healing. Or perhaps I'm just not "advanced" enough.
The only thing I'll say is pinn - yes I've heard it lots enough already - no need to beat those drums any more - Facebook and boxes are not a problem right now. It's all under control, not an issue for me so let's all stop re-hashing it and digging it up again and again and no I don't want to go through explaining how I'm dealing with it for the 10th time.
Now for something completely different.
A bizarre thing happened today when I got home. Someone was by the house and watered the flower beds within a 1/2 hour of me getting here (???) No clue who did it or why especially since the flower beds were already so wet that there was a mushroom growing in them. Whoever did it knew where the hoses etc are and didn't come into the house because the security system didn't go off.
Weird.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We are all at different places and different perspectives and tolerances. Take what you need and leave the rest. It's a reminder for me too and the line is from alanon. Hugs to you.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Thanks Buxom. I'm too stubborn to back down when confronted. It's one of my characteristics that always worried W especially since I never cared who I was up against.
I hope your new lump is nothing much - I was going to post on your thread - you're in my thoughts - hugs back at you too.
My lunch is made and time to wrap up the dishes and face a new day.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
