Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[lt0402]

Thanks for the extra details.

I don't think vacuuming or cooking in this situation is being Mr. Nice Guy. I think it's being an adult and pulling your weight. It sounds like you have stepped it up in this area, so I'd keep that up.

JR, I gave this exact question a ton of thought when I was spending 2 hrs this weekend in the 100 degree heat doing yard work. I realized that I'm not doing it for my W, though she may perceive that, and that I'm doing it bc I realize it's my responsibility that I'd been shirking. I think so long as you are not doing it to get "brownie" points with the W, then you are on the right path.

I love how Rose put it as "being an adult and pulling your weight" and I 100% agree on keeping it up. Thanks Rose!

[JRuss]

What are you doing to GAL and to be responsible for your own happiness? The more you work on that, the more unavailable you will seem, without needing to be cold or dodging your responsibilities. It will probably feel like acting at first, but the more you do it, the more you will find moments when you are fully into that and forget about her. Someone who is passionate about interests and internally happy and confident is very attractive. Not to mention a lot happier person to be!

My main GAL are getting/staying fit, volunteering (hospital and Habitat for Humanity), reading again (had really stopped when my depression stepped up its game), trying to connect more with friends (slow going, but making some progress) and getting the kids out of the house and doing things. I am really enjoying this but am also guilty of checking over my shoulder to see if she's noticed. Unavailability is a really hard thing to communicate when you sleep 2" from someone!

[JRuss]

Really struggling with this new development of her getting an IC who has a track record helping women navigate Ds and "other major life events". How does one overcome that? It's like validation squared, when you pay for it, and there's a diploma on the wall telling you its ok to walk away from a 20+ year relationship.

Is there a tactic here I should be using?

[doodler]

My opinion is that any "tactic" that you use on her would likely backfire. In order for therapy to be effective, a person has to be ready and willing to seek-out help and do the work necessary to get better.

I think a good tactic is for you to be the best person you can possibly be and allow that to guide her. You know, kinda-sorta that lighthouse thing.

[JRuss]

She wasn't noticing the lighthouse before. My fear is that she's just hired a monster strobe light to further drown me out.

[Rose888]

I like your GAL activities. Are any of them new, or are you trying new things with the kids? I've found that there is an energy from doing new things and pushing past your previous limits that adds an extra energy to life.

And yeah, you have to stop looking over your shoulder to see if she's noticing. Focus on you and your kids. The watched pot never boils and all that.

[Rose888]

How long have you been the lighthouse? Have you really been the lighthouse? Remember, the lighthouse doesn't watch the boats. ;-)

[JRuss]

True, but the lighthouse keeper does.

[AndrewP]

Actually no - the lighthouse keeper's duty is towards the light (if you want a really interesting read - the Lighthouse Stevensons - about the Scottish family that built many of the lights around the UK will bore the pants of everyone except a WW)

One thing I read a while ago that I quite liked is "you're the lighthouse, not the tugboat". Keep in mind you "both" are standing in a fog.

[JRuss]

I understand where "the duty" lies, but there isn't a lighthouse keeper alive who doesn't peek at the boats and make sure they aren't running aground, especially if its stormy.

I'm getting pretty f-ing tired of "my duty", frankly. Her "duty" was to try to work on our marriage, not act as judge and executioner before I ever got the courtesy of knowing anything about it.