Hi cheesyt, I haven't had a chance to read your threads, however, I have seen some of your posts. I wanted to respond to something you said on JRuss thread. It just pulled at my heart.
Quote:
it's hard for me to wrap my head around how being physically separated & going dark (which all feels opposite of being "close" with W) will or can lead to Reconciliation. I'm doing it because I somehow trust this, but when W and I were "friends" after S I felt closer than I do now. (cake eating business for her of course!) Now, today, I feel a billion miles away
.
It really is being the opposite of what feels right and logical to you. If you have a W who is wayward, you have someone who does not operate logically. Everything that may have worked in the past to bring you closer together.........seems to backfire now. She does not desire a relationship with you further than friendship.
I bet while she was enjoying hanging out like a couple of girls, you were thinking of how it may lead the R back to where it once was. WW's abuse "friendships" with their LBS! For the WW, it's merely an opportunity to cake eat. The LBS can show a friend-ly persona when interacting with her........but I would not encourage trying to have a friend-ship while she is wayward minded. That's just my personal opinion.
The WW desires something that resembles a complete fantasy. She is looking through unrealistic glasses. Usually, the WW sees the LBS being a stumbling block to her "true" happiness. Therefore, she wants to feel free of the LBS and the MR. The more the LBS tries to be closer, the more the WW will feel she has to prove that the M is over. A lot of bad behavior toward the LBS, is the WW's attempts to discourage their spouse in having a future together.
The crazy thing about WW's are when they are faced with the reality that has come from their wayward choices.........they don't like it. And losing their S's availability, interest, etc., is something most WW's never believe is going to really happen. I mean, in her mindset, it is okay for her to find someone else......act like girls gone wild.......break your heart......and whatever else she needs to do to find her happiness. But.....in the back of her mind, she just always thought of you being safely waiting on a shelf, in case she wanted a friendly ear, or someone to hug her.........whatever. Not wanting you as a spouse.....but as her friend, who is so devoted and could never move on and be happy without her. Are you getting what I am saying? No matter what she may have told you, she wants you to put your life on hold, while she is finding what makes her happy.
Sure, it felt good to you when hanging out as a couple of good friends. B/c you love her, and your emotions are begging for her positive responses. She could be nice for a few hours.......as long as you understood it was strictly as "friends". The minute you try to ease over the "friends only" line.......is the minute you see her resisting and treating you poorly.
So, removing yourself from her life (as much as possible), will give her a realistic view of her life without you. Even though I have not read your story, I will venture to say that the dynamics has been that she has been the one walking away from the relationship.........and you have lost her. However, it's when you start behaving happily in your life that does not include her, that really hits her heart. . She'll try hard not to show it. She may even say you deserve to be happy, etc. in her heart, she knows t he dynamics have switched, and she has lost you!
The LBS is afraid to drop the rope that hold to the WW. The LBS wants to pursue and show the WS that their relationship can work again. It is not going to happen if you go that route. She has to have physical space away from you. She has to experience the loss of you. No assistance, no help, no bailing out, no rescuing, no emotional support, (I know this sounds terrible), but she has to experience reality instead of living in a fantasy. You can't control her life, but you can control your part.
In order to accomplish this, you may have a picture of yourself needing to act cold, mean-spirited, angry, etc. That's not the way. If you acted that way.......why would she want you back, right? You can have a happy & confident persona when your path crosses with hers. But at the same time, you act as if you have more important things on your mind.....other than her. When married, she is your #1 priority, but now......well, she has lost that #1 place position in your life. That is what she will sense.......and that is what will cause her to get curious/interested in what's going on with you.
I could talk all day about it, but I will stop here. It is a process, and it will feel totally off to you. The WW has to see what she has lost as a consequence to her own decision. Don't think so much about how you feel right now. Think about the wonderful things you can do for two weeks. Get that calendar and start filling in GAL....people, places, and fun things to do......that does not include old reminders of your W. Oh........I said I would stop, didn't I?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That was awesome Sandi thank you so much for sharing that....cheesyt and I have the same type of feelings and personally I know my wife hasn't felt my loss. Your posts are so helpful and we appreciate your in site!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Excellent post Sandi! That's an awesome description of what needs to happen and would be particularly usefull for all of us "nice guys" that want to be friends with our spouses thinking that will show them how we've changed and will bring them back.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Sandi, you are the best! This post is amazing and speaks volumes. It seems really easy to get locked in the angry/cold LBS mood and of course that's a bad thing. Finding myself there right now and trying to back out of it. Thank you as always!
Cheesyt, just doing a quick drive by to check up on you brother! Glad y'all enjoyed the Pokemon stuff yesterday!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
sandi2 - thank you so much for the response! It's great food for thought. I've read it a few times trying to really understand and listen to your words of wisdom! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my comments!
update on my weekend - yesterday was such a busy day! that started at 8am! blood donation at the peach festival, then my co worker (with the MLC bf) met up with me and we walked around and had lunch. Then I headed to my beer festival with a co worker and a friend. As we were talking my friend mentioned he was going to a baseball game after the beer festival I asked who he was going with and he said his buddy canceled and asked If I wanted to go, so I did. we left the beer festival around 530pm and got back from the game around 1030pm. Went to a bar to have a beer. All college kids are back and all bars were crazy packed but we managed to have a good time. made it home at 1am. This morning I had a little side job from 9am-12 and I'm headed to the polish food festival after I finish typing (alone gooo me!). Then just going to relax at home probably watch netflix.
I had a lot of fun yesterday. I do feel guilty though, not sure why or exactly about what. I did think of my W a lot yesterday. Especially during the baseball game, (last time she went to a game was on a date a few weeks ago) so that was sad. But also thought about how I wished she was with me doing what I was doing. We had a lot of fun together before so having fun makes me miss "our" fun. I don't know. I can't quite articulate my thoughts and feelings right now. I feel weird. I feel "off". not sure why.
No word from W. I guess it's a good thing since most of our interactions are no longer pleasant.
I'm thinking of getting a bed soon. This pull out couch isn't working and this living arrangement looks like is going to be more permanent than I had wished. The room is big enough for the couch and a queen bed and all my furniture. Just gotta check with my friend / roommate. I had originally asked if I could stay until W decided if she was moving away (with or without me) but now that W staying I need to make sure I can live here for at least a year while I pay off some debt and get my life on a decent track. thinking of buying a bed seems so...i don't know. W has "our" bed and I'll have "my" bed. my own lonely bed.
I must go, I'm not saying much and I'm wasting polish food eating time.
Glad you had a fun filled weekend...don't ever feel guilty...you are not the one who left!!! I know what you mean about missing "your guys fun" but you can do new stuff that you 2 have never done so you don't think about it so much...maybe that would help??? I dunno....
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I am beyond frustrated. Got a lovely 5am text from w. a long one.
good morning. will you pick D up weds? what time? Friday's wont work. D has soccer practice starting this week. I am fine with you picking her up on wednesdays. then something about if i cant get her wed's to let her know cus she will be home "no problem" Hope you're well. thanks.
I replied with I want her team name and league name so I can look up the schedule of practices and games. (I don't trust her) and some bill information.
A little back and forth. W still avoiding my question on league and team name. asked 3 times before she replied. Turns out friday practice is from 5-6pm, I was supposed to have her from 3-6pm, annoyed she took my day. It's "payback" for forgetting to text her last friday. As annoyed as I am, I guess that's one more day W has to figure her own stuff out. I'm just pissed W is so mean, even through a text. This whole "no friends" thing must be eating at her? maybe wishful thinking there. IDK!
I'm making a L appointment today. I don't know how long this can continue, and even If I do nothing, I need to be informed for my own sanity.
