Detaching to reconnect

[Surfer]

Coly,

Thank you for landing here and telling me how you feel. It's so sad that we are all in this place, but its a learning process and I like to think its making me a better person. I can either do that or go and mope around too much - that never really works (although we all do it from time to time - understandably).

Two weeks will feel like an age at times. It sounds like you are perhaps not doing enough to take your mind of - i.e. GAL. Like you, I like to see friends, but not at the drop of a hat. I think my W is either trying to find someone, has or, more likely is so 'needy' for friend like validation. Validation from others really fires something in her brain. Weird. Lack of self confidence is the key to this I think.

So, getting to your point."Wish I had the courage to detach from him as much as he from me." You do. If he is someone that needs validation, he only has false courage. He is running away to escape. That's not courage and neither does the validation (I assume he needs) mean he is confident. Quite the opposite. I am making assumptions based upon my W here as I have not read your sitch yet. I will try to shortly. So do you have the courage. Of course, just resist the temptation. Do something to GAL (even if having a bath, reading a book etc - you dont have to be going 'out' to GAL - just do something for you, watch a film etc) to take your mind off the temptation is my suggestion.

I feel your pain in terms of just wanting the sofa and a cuddle. It is so strange isn't it, how they are repulsed by the thought. But think of it this way, if you picture 2 close friends a loving couple you know. Imagine you are in the room and they cuddle. Nice to see. You miss that (so do I). Then imaging a different scene when one goes to cuddle the other and the response is anger and rejection. Not nice to see. Scary & weird. But who's actions make you feel uncomfortable? Yours, the cuddly loving person or the angry, rejecting person? Who is broken. the answer is obvious - and this goes back to Si's point. You can't fix it (the problem), because it is him! You can cut those strings though. It'd like an addiction. You need new habits (GAL) to replace the old (chasing etc).

Keep going through this. You can do it. Don't give up!!!

Surfer.

[Si_07]

I was actually the same as you a month or so ago, felt really good in myself and felt like I was letting go. I then had vacation with my kids back with family. My sister and her family, my cousin and her family and it was too much reminder of what I was still missing. I had a good time with my kids but it did wear on me emotionally again.

I back slid big style when she said this and asked her if she was willing to do the work she needed to do to fix it. She said no. I know she is broken, the kids even know she is broken. When we were away, I suggested my son try calling her, he told he didn't want to as she will not answer. She proved him right. 4 times they tried to call her and she didn't answer once. The only time she did talk to them is when I texted her several hours beforehand to let her know they would call.

W can be a came lei and can put across a show for whoever needs it. In all our years together, she knew I was one of the very few who could see through her. However, right now she will not listen to me anymore and the people she is now friends with do not know her very long. Probably don't know her history. Her family and friends that do know her are back in North America and only get snippet phone calls from her where she can put on her show no doubt.

I don't have a DB coach, I do have a pro marriage IC. He feels she is lost and confused but is not sure which direction to help her. He is in a similar mindset as db'ing in that I should move on with my life without giving up on the marriage. To improve myself without forgetting my core values, to enjoy company of new friends without seeking a new relationship.

Like you I feel I have invested so much in this, I moved across the Atlantic twice. Once to be with her initially and then once as a family following her career. We built a home here which wore me out physically and mentally, then she came home one day saying she was attracted to some work colleague and it broke me emotionally. I had no reserves then to build on and went into a spiral. I became inconsistent and she lost trust in me that way. This colleague was always in the background and she started talking to him again. I hadn't healed from the first round and got into several fights with her about it, pushing her away more. That's when she said she broke. I think in her head he was just a friend and she doesn't grasp the concept of EA's. Some mutual friends don't believe she is in a relationship with him but still has some emotional connection.

[Cherry]

Thanks surfer. The way you (and everyone here really) are standing firmly at your principles of your M is admirable.

During the last convo, I put it in that exact same way, that I would no sooner join him murder the M than I would a person. He hears, but he doesn't listen. He has his eyes on "the prize" a d. And thinks this will be the magical solution to all his problems.

Since then he's seen a L and told me he is filing. And now he wants to talk about him filing. The bad news for me today after speaking to a L is that if he wants a d, he will be granted it. Even if I contest, he will be granted it.

I just find myself in a impossible situation. He wants this, I don't. But he will get it. It's just not right.

I've been given the advise to call his bluff and file. But I'm not prepared to do that. I'm not prepared for the follow up to him agreeing, so I'm not going to do that.

[Surfer]

Si,

Very similar sitch.

The call thing. I get exactly the same thing.The other night she was out with her friends and the kids are with me. My D8 began crying and couldn't stop, but half an hour possibly more. Do you want to see her mummy. She asked if she could call her and after putting it off for so long I decided it was time to allow her to call. My wife had clearly had a drink by now. She just kept repeating that she couldn't come home because D8 would be asleep by the time she got back. She could've made it back as do you know it was so distraught it took quite a while for her to get sleep afterwards. I think D8 felt rejected, so I closed down the conversation. After taking the phone from D Eight I spoke to my W W who then laid into me for trying to ruin her night. I was calm and clear and then put the phone down.

DB Coach is good but the conflict with Sandis views and think Sandi is right. Not 100%.

That's very true about the lines. The personality changing et cetera is just weird. I remember asking my W W which was the real personality. She said it was the one that you showed me come out with everybody else she had to hide her she felt. I doubt that this is true. I think this special personality was save for me – to help her to choose her objectives. Whether that is just to vent, due some form of pay off or whatever, I really don't know. I do know that it is cruel behaviour and that is very very flawed.

I think when they are being like this you need to pay no mind to them. They are nuts. Ignore their behaviour. Detach.

I'm just trying to tough it out and be there for the children. Keep it up!

[Surfer]

Oh dear, try dictating that one on my iPad. Lots of typos – not quite the success I'd hoped for.

[SH_]

DB Coach is good but the conflict with Sandis views and think Sandi is right. Not 100%.

I would say sandi2 cringes at comments like this. I have seen her responses to similar comments and she tends to steer towards listening to what the DB coach counsels. sandi2 sounds to be a very big supporter of all that is Dbing and MWD advice.
sandi2 regularly reminds folks that she is simply Sharing her views from a WW point of view.
I think the more appropriate comment is that many lbs interpret the 2 in their own mind as different when the actual principles are the same.
So in short, I would strongly encourage a DB coach because you can never have to much support or guidance from this with a large amount of experience. There is not one right way and I perceive many are looking for the ABC's of dbing with the specific expectations of outcomes 123, and that is not how this works.
sandi2's tag line is the same principle as in DR, just written with different words.
Anyway, just my 2c on that.

[Surfer]

Ah I see your point. Actually I have seen how Sandi is really careful to say this is just her view and whilst it apparently differs from DB Coaches she just states that from a DB Coaches perspective there is no definition for the WW. Personally I find my DB Coach great for the listening and talking through the specifics. But others on here, Job, Sandi, Cadet et al, provide such punchy golden comments I can't help but be in awe how they are so clear in understanding.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

I think you just have to go with what you feel is right really. I keep hovering over the D button when pressure gets much. But I read something Sandi said the other day which made me want to hang in there. DB Coach tells me the same - hang in there.

It's how I feel so it's what I need to do.

Two things, yes you can't stop it. Legally he can force you, but it takes a very determined character that is willing to look like the villain to do this. So why help them if it doesn't fit with your core principles?

I have read and listened to 'the magical' solution. I understand it is not because "wherever they go they are there". In the short term I gather the relief, like that of stopping chemotherapy is a release. But then the creeping realisation occurs. Perhaps in some ways some might even need to get to this stage to feel some form of losses and regret - to allo them to see clearly and stop being wayward?

IDK. Irs all guesswork really. I think I'll just focus on detaching.

Surfer.

[annab74]

Surfer, I think you're exactly right. My H was full steam ahead on the divorce the entire time I was insisting it was wrong and fighting him on it. When I finally decided it was a lost cause because I knew I couldn't stop it, THAT was the moment he snapped out of his frenzy to be free and instead began to process the reality of divorce. I totally agree that they have to feel like they've truly lost you in order to start missing what they had. In my case, we signed the papers, but H ended up asking to have them pulled from the court shortly after. You have to let them go so they can feel the loss.

[Surfer]

Anna,

Thanks for the note. Wow, it really helps when people tell you about their similar situations. Perhaps you don't feel so alone....?

My W, was advised by one of her lovely (ahem) 'friends' - you know the type "they are there for me and you never have been" (really, didn't spot them in the labour ward 9 years ago, or 6 years ago, don't remember them staying up in bed with you all night when you cried). Those ones. Anyway, this 'fiend' cared for my W so much she said go see a L and then go to a Mediator to get them to deliver it!!!!!

Told her I wouldn't go. Her journey, sorry, I care too much for our M and you. But I get you can and if you feel you should I understand. Sent letters, I said no. Then issued a L letter, then I said no, we are not separated. Then I got another Mediators letter.Then I filled in the forms. She has not filled hers in and that's months ago. If she wants me to go, I will now go. I will not instigate anything though and it is also non-binding. So not really worth anything.

From there, she needs to D. If the papers come, I will now sign them I think. Its a game of cat and mouse.

Just need to keep a level head and be nice to that nosey neighbour!!!

Surfer.