Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Hi SH. I'm having a bit of a rough day today.

All was well until about 4:30 when I was pulling into my driveway, and a white car pulled around me in the grass, blocking me from driving forward and another vehicle pulled in behind me. I knew exactly what was going on, of course, so I just opened my window, affirmed who I was and the gentleman shook my hand, and handed my legal papers to me with the other hand. I thanked him and then he lingered a bit and we started talking.

As soon as he handed the papers to me, the white car must have taken off because I never even saw it drive off. I have a circular driveway, so the white car made a speedy getaway.

The process server was a truly lovely older gentleman (I'll call him PS), and he stayed and talked to me for about 45 minutes. He even bought a dozen eggs. It turns out that he and I have some people in common, and when I mentioned PS's name to my father, it turns out he knows PS, too! Little tiny world in these rural areas. Anyway, PS spilled the beans and told me that the driver of the other car was none other than my very own WH.

25 years of sharing my life with this human being and I didn't get even a tiny acknowledgment that I was even alive. He came, he skulked around in a rental car lying in wait for me, he blocked me in my driveway, he saw me accept the papers, and then he was gone, without me knowing it was even him.

PS didn't seem overly impressed with WH, just said he seemed very direct and interested in getting me served, mentioning something about a maintenance dispute. What dispute? We have had exactly zero contact in months. It's hard to have a dispute when there is no contact. Whatever "dispute" there may be could have been resolved by doing something that he has heretofore been unable to do - COMMUNICATE. I just need this man completely out of my life a this point.

In fact, this evening I'm ready to be free of all involvement with male companions. L-friend is very challenging for me sometimes and today, of all days, I wasn't really up for it. We didn't part of the best note. I guess I'm getting tired of the distance that he keeps between us, and I'm about ready to put up some distance of my own. I am finding it very difficult to have no expectations of this relationship, and yet I know that any expectations will not be met. He only has so much that he can offer, and I don't know if that's good enough. I'm not expecting a lifetime, but I guess I am expecting more than this.

I do think a course correction is in order, though I'm not certain which course I should take from here. Back to platonic friendship, nothing at all, accept a limited relationship with a limited horizon... I just don't know right now.

I cried tonight for the first time in weeks, and I'm not sure what the real reason was. Was it because Wh was right here and yet didn't want to even spare a glance my way, never mind the curtesy of a simple hello? Was it because l-friend hurt my feelings and reminded me of WH by refusing to talk to me about something that was troubling me? Was it because I just feel kind of crummy and off, and today was just a bit too much reality on top of that. All of the above? Probably.

time for sleep. I just feel like sleeping the entire day away tomorrow. Maybe some F**k that meditation is in order.

I'm 3 doses into my antibiotics, and feel... the same. If I was't taking a strict staggered dosing regimen of ibuprofen and acetaminophen, I'd be feeling a whole lot worse. Low grade fever continued today, and I'm still pretty uncomfortable, joint pain-wise.

TH ebaby chicks were out in their day pen most of the day today again. They ar so darn cute and it's so good to seem them scratching around in the grass snd dirt. I gave them a leftover ear of corn on the cob, a melon rind, and the melon seeds. Happy little birdies!

SH, I'm feeling like I'm back in to surviving lately, too. I'll try to talk more about it in my next post.

AS usual, it's late here (after 2 am), and it is past time for me to head to bed. Goodnight to everyone.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you had a rough day. That must have been hard to know that your H just waited in a rental car to see you had been served and then drove off. Of course you feel upset about that and it's completely understandable. It also tells you a lot about where he is at just now....ie: not in a place to maturely and compassionately handle himself or the situation....but then you kinda knew that from reading his journal...

As for L-friend. I would say that what none of us need right now is complications from a new R. So, if things aren't working for you in some way - do what works for you! You know my view is always to stick with 'safe and nourishing' friendships at this point....but this is all JMVHO of course.

I understand about the back to surviving. I can remember thinking that in my own sitch - I seemed to be making such progress then - wham - back to survival. But I think as long as we stay on a good path - even if it's a hard path at times - we get there.

Do take care of yourself, stay on the good path and things will get better I promise!

xx

[BluWave]

(((Phoebe)))

I am sorry about the Lyme, ugh, sounds miserable. I can only imagine it must be hard to have enough energy and feel well to tackle all that you have going on. Perhaps slow down and feel better before making any hard decisions.

Your H is such a coward. Stubborn coward as he is really pushing forward, most likely full of regret and self doubt. I am sorry you had to experience that.

As for L friend, perhaps let it lie and don't define anything right now. It will unfold naturally over time. While you are not a scorned woman by any stretch, you have been through a crazy and painful rollercoaster in this last year and so why add anymore pressure? It's hard to make good decisions in life when we are not feeling our best. And perhaps you (understandably) are projecting some things on to this R or him because of all you have been through? It's hard to trust and feel close to others again after being so wounded.

You continue to impress me. I hope all here go back and read your threads. We can read the progression in your threads as you effectively DB'd, processed your emotions, got up each day and tried to focus on you. I think you will continue to attract quality people. Please keep posting so others can see how it's done. :-) We can learn a lot from you!

-Blu

[Painter]

Wow - that situation sounds like something out of a movie! WH must have become impatient with the servers not succeeding and come himself to get it done. I have never heard of such aggressive attempt as what you have described, I didn't know they could trespass.

It must feel very unsettling to have him be so near and then just take off. He was probably pretty unsettled himself.

It sounds like you're handling all this with grace and a calm I don't think I could have managed to keep. Really impressive.

I'm not at all surprised you cried later. You were ambushed, found out your WH was there but avoided you, so that's bound to pull at the scab.

If L-friend acts like WH, or you perceive him the same, I would look at what you need vs. what he had to offer and what kind of man you choose and why. That's a long process in itself!

[Phoebe]

Thank you Sotto, and Blu, and Painter for checking in on me. It was surreal, and now, in a stranger twist, I've exchanged a couple emails with the process server. It's a strange world. I just had to let him know that he knows my father. They had a good mutual friend for a lot of years who passed recently.

Today, if anything, has been harder that yesterday. I am deeply down and had a prolonged waterworks session reflecting that this morning, and now it is happening again. I haven't cried more than a couple minutes in weeks, but I guess the stars are aligned today for a show of emotion.

I'm still not sure I can adequately sort out this current rollercoaster dip, but WH being in my driveway and acting like a police officer with the way he aggressively drove around me and blocked me in the driveway feels incredibly cold and deeply unsettling.

I don't know that it's better or worse to have continued interaction with one's spouse, but this feeling of being at war with someone I spent my whole adult life trusting and loving, yet have had no communication with now in months, is beyond comprehension for me. I kept my cool for months after the disappearing act, got angry exactly one time, and that was the very last time he talked to me. After that, he didn't even have enough respect for me to tell me he was filing for divorce? After all the bullsh1t about how he wanted this to be collaborative if we ended up going this route... Now he's acting like I'm someone who is an enemy. He schemed to get me "caught," blocking me in my own driveway, skulking around in a rental car, spying at my parents' house to see when I showed up there, and never even saying hello or looking at me? Yet more behavior that I can't wrap my head around.

I guess I had hoped that I'd be getting past the stage where contact with him messes me up, but that hasn't played out at all. It's not as big a drop on the roller coaster as the early ones, but it was still precipitated by WH, and I don't like that I still grant him that much power.

I've just spent my day so far putzing around, reworking my little chicken pen to make it bigger and keep them confined a bit better. I must be an official farmer now; I built the pen out of two pallets, a wheelbarrow, a wagon, a long length of 4' hardware cloth, and BALING TWINE. That last bit is the key.

I talked to my Mom midway through this post, and she helped cheer me up a bit. You can probably sense where the transition is. At least the human fountain shut off for a while.

L-friend is almost an anti-WH in so many ways, many of them good ways, but communication was where my marriage failed and I don't think that I can tolerate the closed door communication method. I have never tried to be in any kind of R, no matter how tentative and not even just a friendship, where either person carried along so much emotional baggage. It kind of svcks, but I feel like I am going to have my bags along on the trip for the rest of my life. It was so much easier 26 years ago when the previous relationships were just high school stuff, not based on decades of experience. I don't want to be young again, but I would love to be that unencumbered again.

Ah well, if wishes were horses...

So, I guess I'm going to go see L-friend, though I'm not certain that I really am enthusiastic about it. I'm still down and could care less about the idea of eating dinner.

[JksD]

Phoebe, I am sorry to hear about how your H skulked around to make sure you were served the papers. It's horrid that your L friend would be adding to your distress as well.

Agree with Sotto, if L friend is not working out, you should put in your own distance and maintain some boundaries. Is there some other friend that will be able to let youlean on in lieu of L friend?

[Phoebe]

Hi Grl. It's good to see you.

In his defense, L-friend didn't know that i was as affected by WH's behavior as I was. I was doing a fair job acting, and it hadn't totally sunk in yet, either. I was still kind of realign from the whole experience. He certainly wasn't trying to add to my distress. He came to my place to give support. Everything was fine until the last 10 minutes he was here, and then he left because he claimed he was too tired to talk. I t felt like a door was slammed in my face, and I told him that it was the one thing that he could do that really bothers me. He left anyway. Not intentional, but a crummy thing to add on to my day's events.

Time for this camper to hit the hay. It's 3 am yet again, and I am beat.

[Phoebe]

And yes, I definitely need to create some distance. I made an effort to lay a couple boundaries tonight. We'll see how good I am at follow-through. I don't have a great track record in this regard.

[Cherry]

No wonder you were feeling a little down, you have a lot on your plate. And feeling physically ill always adds to the rest of the stress and the upset.

As for wh, wow. Just wow. Who the hell does he think he is?!?! Blocking you in in a damn rental car just to witness this. Sounds like a deeply disturbed, nasty individual! But I can see how much it would hurt, a lot of your life has been with this person, and to witness the person you loved and built a life with turn into a narcissist is never pleasant. I'm glad you have family and friends to prop you up when you feel a bit crappy. And I agree with the others re L friend. Having someone you can lean on is great, but he also needs to accept that you are going through a tough time and mourning the death of an R.

Glad to hear the little chickadees are doing good! I'm impressed with your craftsmanship! Truly a kickass woman.

Hope the antibiotics kick in soon. Physical health problems really drain your mental health. Just take some time to love and look after yourself. You truly deserve it. I have hella admiration for you!

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Miss Cherry. Being called a KA woman by a woman who has shown that she is surely one herself is a high compliment, indeed!

I have a ton, ton, ton of stuff to do today, but I will check in with an update as soon as I can. My legal clock is now ticking since i was served, and there is much more urgency now and still so much to do.

Just what I needed - a crisis on a time table! Wahoo.