Husband just told me he is moving out.

[BluWave]

(((Mombear)))

I'm sorry! That is awful. He is lost right now and you cannot believe anything that he says. He doesn't even know what he means, thinks, feels anymore. As much as you care for him and may know what help he needs, he has to help himself. We cannot save anyone but ourselves and our young children.

What I love about DB philosophy is it is as much about breaking codependency as it is about saving the M. Most of us got here because over the course of the M we developed unhealthy attachments. We cannot have a good R with someone until both people become heathy and strong again independently.

So help yourself now during this hard time. Let him see how much you value your own health and happiness. Rally it all--lean on your support people, keep posting here, find a good therapist for you, and take a giant step back from him. He has got to learn to take care of himself before you want to be in a M with him anyhow.

-Blu

[Mombear]

Thanks, Bluwave. It helps to remember how lost he is. I think I'm slowly realizing how far gone he really is. I'm still furious that he is willing to put our kids through this. No little kids should have to see this. And I have no idea how to walk the line of not giving the kids too much adult information while also making it clear that this is not a moral or Christian thing their father is doing. It just [censored]. [censored] [censored] [censored].

[ForGump]

Mombear, could you please put a summary of your situation in your signature? Click on "My Stuff" -> "Edit Profile."

There are so many people suffering here w/ similar situations... the summaries in signatures help us remember who you are.

Thanks.

[cat04]

Mombear,

First I want to say how sorry I am that your H said that to you. I remember how hearing almost the very same words hurt. It hurts. In time, it won't hurt so much. As you come to realize what is really going on inside of him, it won't hurt so much.

I am willing to bet he said it to push you away. He let you get close. He asked you to snuggle. Then he realized what he had done and needed to push you away. It isn't personal. It is something within him. Something that he absolutely doesn't understand.

I'm still furious that he is willing to put our kids through this. No little kids should have to see this. And I have no idea how to walk the line of not giving the kids too much adult information while also making it clear that this is not a moral or Christian thing their father is doing. It just [censored]. [censored] [censored] [censored].

Please, please, please work really hard to change this line of thinking.

Do not say anything to the kids about how "bad" what their father is doing is.

In time, they will make their own decisions about his actions and if you simply keep setting the example of behavior that you want them to learn, they will come to their own conclusions.

It isn't up to you to do anything to help or hurt their relationship with their father. (With the exception of real abuse.) It is up to you to stay out of the way of that, let them forge their own way with him. Put your focus on making your relationship with them what you want it to be.

I have a few threads I would like to share with you. I will take some time this morning to try to find them and link them here. I hope you will take the time to read them with a bit of an open mind.

I also want to share one other thought. I know you are being told to take a "hard line" and I also understand that you feel some of the DB principals will not work in your situation...

First, do what you are comfortable with. If you can snuggle or go on vacation and you believe you can do it with no expectations...and you want to do those things, do them. You are at the beginning and while you may eventually get to a place where you take a different stance, you aren't there emotionally right now and there is nothing wrong with that.

Additionally, DB is counterintuitive. It is going to feel wrong. There are going to be things that just don't seem logical. In time, you will see the logic. For now, again, do only what you are comfortable with.

[MoveFrwd]

What do you mean by that, Cadet?

Ill give my impression. Sounds like he was an 8 year asking mom to come sleep in his bed after having a bad dream.

Should I have said no?

Can you explain why you said 'yes'? What was your goal?

He knows where I stand, and that I love him and that I am not done with our marriage. So when he shows vulnerability, I feel wrong turning him down.

I think maybe this is where you should investigate into yourself?

WHY does it feel wrong to you? Sounds like you were hoping/expecting that this would be a step forward to healing your R. I think you should stop being SO clear about what you want when it comes to him.

[Cadet]

What do you mean by that, Cadet?

Ill give my impression. Sounds like he was an 8 year asking mom to come sleep in his bed after having a bad dream.

Should I have said no?

Can you explain why you said 'yes'? What was your goal?

He knows where I stand, and that I love him and that I am not done with our marriage. So when he shows vulnerability, I feel wrong turning him down.

I think maybe this is where you should investigate into yourself?

WHY does it feel wrong to you? Sounds like you were hoping/expecting that this would be a step forward to healing your R. I think you should stop being SO clear about what you want when it comes to him.

Agreed

[Mombear]

The reason I said "yes" to him was because he suffers from pretty severe fear of abandonment. Before we ended counseling, we learned that one of the major reasons behind his building an emotional wall was out of fear that I was going to leave him. This wasn't a rational fear, but to him it was very real. I was preoccupied and going through some health issues and he took my change in behavior as a sign that I was done with him. I also hadn't been very available to him sexually for awhile - not like we never had sex, but certainly not as much as he'd like.

I said yes because I didn't want to shoot him down and reinforce the narrative in his head that I was "done with him."

My goal in saying yes was to counter that narrative and reinforce that I'm here, I'm not abandoning him.

Of course I was feeling like this would be a step towards reconciling. How on earth can I tell the difference between him being a flake and him being serious?

Something else happened this morning that has made me realize that I need to be the adult here and lay down some boundaries and rules. I don't want this, but I also can't keep our family in this limbo forever.

[cat04]

Can u share what happened this morning?

You can set boundaries for yourself as long as you are ready to enforce them.

You cant set rules for an adult. That shows that there is no respect.

[Mombear]

It's a hot mess. This morning, my 9 year old son went to use my ipad and it opened to a web page that was titled "Life after Divorce." He flipped out. He's old enough to know something has been up (daddy sleeping downstairs for months). He was inconsolable.

I grabbed my husband and told him what happened. He, of course, continues to be a waffling, confused, incoherent mess. He comes out with "I'm not sure I'm leaving in September after vacation. I'm not sure anymore . . ." We agree to tell DS that mommy and daddy aren't getting along right now and that we love him and right now there are no plans for a divorce. Which is true.

I don't love this response because I know the nuance between a separation and a divorce is going to be lost on a 9 year old. And I honestly do not see how we can avoid the separation at this point.

We were able to calm him down and distract him. After this morning, though, all I can think of is how I need to protect the kids as much as possible. And their father's erratic behavior and selfishness is too damaging. I think at this point he needs to go. I need him to go so we can work on healing and adjusting to the New Normal.

[Buxom]

What I would add to what u say to s is this, it's not your fault, we love you, we are not getting on right now but we are working on making things better. No mention of divorce unless he asks. Trust me, I work with kids. Less is more while being open without details, if that makes sense?

As for the iPad, lock it so he has to have you unlock it and he doesn't get the surprises, you do.