Are we there yet?

[trumpet]

Betsey,

You're a sweetie - thank you for all the advice. Very well said!

I've been in counseling for over a year, and posted often in the newcomers. I'll probably post over here in Surviving the big D soon.

I have gone on a couple meet-ups with women, but both had huge D scars and seemed to just want to say hello to a guy - no real deep relationship. I wasn't attracted to either. Met a Christian girl in MN about a month ago, super attracted to her and her personality/faith, and we took off. Hours on the phone, but the big issue was her need for tremendous family/friends time - never married - and the distance. She was willing to think about moving when we started talking, but by the end she realized moving would be giving up all her relationships she leans on. She's never had a deep relationship with a guy at 33, so it seems like she has commitment issues. It's a shame.

Having that little flame start for someone new, and then flicker out, did hurt - more than I thought it would. It told me I'm still healing, and probably not ready yet. Better to have that happen then to be diving head-first into the deep end, only to realize it was the kiddy pool!

I got back on my exercise routine in the last 2 weeks. The divorce diet and exercise got me 30 lbs lighter - gotta lose another 30. Without a woman, I think it's very doable in the next 3-4 months. Time to invest in myself vs. someone new.

[Ginger1]

Trumpet,

Betsey is great, isn't she? She really knows how to frames things. And bets, I have watched the Secret. I've tried some law of attraction stuff, but sometimes I think my brain is too tired, lol. I will definitely check out the books.

Ok, so trumpet, I owe an apology of sorts. I am not as miserable as I seem. Post D, I've been living a happy life. Challenging? Yes, but happy. I really refocused on me, took up my hobbies (fell in love with kickboxing) exericese is what keeps me sane, and I'[ve been out of commission for 2 weeks due to foot surgery, so it affects my mood. My friend are amazing, we do lots of fun stuff together, I've been on a few nice vacations, I'm back in school getting my RN-BSN. I have a very active social life when my schedule allows.

You are not doomed to wait until your youngest is in college. I have dated, not much, but I have. My last guy was a great person, but going trough a MLC (I need to stop dating older men, lol).

I am a rarity. Yes, 8 years post S/D, and nothing crazy serious. But most people from the boards have found great partners and are remarried. For whatever reason, I am not, and I am not a standard, I am the minority, and most go on to have fulfilling partnerships.

In the meantime, keep doing you, and I am sure it will come when it's meant to. Enjoy all life has to offer, take up new hobbies, keep up the working out, have a blast will all your kids.

Let life happen is what they say.

[Underdog]

I think you're great too.

The Secret is okay. It gives the basic concept, but it's kind of kitschy and not helpful when it comes down to doing the work. I was one of the few people who wasn't completely wowed by it or the movie - it just seemed to throw the idea around as though it were easy to manifest stuff. Maybe I'm dumb or a slow learner, but manifesting doesn't come easy to me. Sure, I can tape a picture of a check above my bed that says $1M payable to me, but there's a whole lot of work to do behind it.

That's where I found AH to be infinitely more helpful. They actually teach you to retrain your thoughts and hopes. I guess it's clear to see that I haven't managed to manifest my dream love now, huh? LOL. I'm more manifesting a lifestyle of peace and health. I figure if I get the long term balance I desperately am working to have, that can come later...

I'm interested in hearing your plan for a visit west. My folks were supposed to be here this weekend on their way home from visiting my aunt in Seattle (who was 104!), but she passed away 2 weeks ago so they cancelled their trip. I'm up for smiling faces in my abode!

Have a fun weekend with your chica! What's on tap?

Bets

[Georgiabelle]

Ginger,

I don't think you are a rarity at all. I know many people who haven't had serious relationships in over 10 years...for a variety of reasons. And that's totally okay. I really do believe people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes the reasons aren't big, however, it can help us gain some greater perspective about ourselves. That sounds sorta hokey, however, at this juncture, self awareness is a fantabulous thing. Your life sounds full and you are aware of things that have been issues in the past. You can stick the landing-hurt foot and all:)And the dude that couldn't commit a week in advance? Yeah, nothing missed on that one.

Trumpet-everyone here has so much wisdom. I learn some much from some other posters. I think Ginger and Betsy (who is fabulous and oh so wise) hit the nail on the head with some equating dating as to moving forward. If I'm being 100% candid, I don't know that I will ever be totally "over" getting divorced. That doesn't mean my life isn't wonderful or that I can't have a great R. Just means getting a d really stung on levels I had never considered before. My parents were married for 51 years and ex Mr. GB's parents have been married 49. I don't know. That makes me sad that mine didn't go the distance. I can move on, however, I hate that my kids hurt and have had to hurt. I can only do the best I can.

I went on a date with a guy I salivated over about a month after my divorce was final. He is 10 years younger and wanted to get married and have kids. That ship sailed. I have an armada at this point. So, he turned into a FWB, something I had never done before. And while that isn't my typical path, it truly gave me some introspection in other ways for 2 years. You aren't a failure because you aren't dating/married/or engaged. I admit that I struggled oh so mightly like I do with the zipper on my super skinny jeans with the fact that ex Mr GB moved on so quickly. He was buying new furniture! Living with Mustache! Talking marriage!! Did what we have never happened???

And I finally realized, he didn't necessarily move on, rather he just moved in a different direction. One with more freedoms and an attempt to redo the past. And you know what? That's totally okay and his choice. I hope I am moving in the *best* direction for me an my people. Hang in their and know you can and will love again. Did I hijack??? Sorry. I do that.

Hugs to you all.

[uRworthy]

Ok,G, so as always I am torn between two feelings when posting to you. There's the Brooklyn I just wanna kick his a$s feeling because I know you and your daughter and love you. And while that would give me some satisfaction to use my boots or my bat and maybe give you some, too, it doesnt help your daughter in the long run.

So, I want to try to be of some help...I agree that you need to speak to him when you arent angry. I agree that in order to have the possibility of him hearing you at all, you need to choose words wisely. But, I also think that people like him need really plain language with it spelled out clearly with words his freakin brain can understand (sorry, there's that Brooklyn again).

Now maybe there isnt anything that will get through to him. But I am thinking that you need to try something different cuz it aint working and he is hurting that sweet little soul.

How about...."Listen, as$hole (Ok, maybe not that).."Little G is feeling badly about how you speak to her and to her grandmother. You are her father and she loves you. Is there a way that you can figure out how to avoid name calling when you get upset because this is really starting to cause her some anxiety? I would hope that isnt your intent. This is something that needs to be addressed."

God, that was hard to write...because you know what I really want to say.

As for the guy...ba bye.

G, I really feel that this isnt the right time for you to think about this. If it happens on its own, great. But for right now..you have too much on your plate.

Any man would be lucky to have you. Wait for the one who knows that. <3

[JksD]

Hi Ginger!
I love the advice here. I could camp out here all day.

Ugh. Hate that your ex is such a knuckle-head.

I really hope that you will be able to get theough to him the message that it's not ok to speak to your d8 and his mum like that. Really, how would he like it when he's old and then your d8 speaks like that to him? But of course I know your d8 won't do that.

[Ginger1]

I've been reading all your replies. I want to respond to it all soon. But I'm in pain and exhausted, so my thoughts aren't so clear.

Today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. Which is so dumb, we were only married 4. But the fact we were only married 4 is what makes it so dumb.

I really did make the biggest mistake of my life 12 years ago. ( aside from getting my D out of the marriage). Otherwise, it was proof of how little strength and self worth I had then. I was so scared to be alone, that I'd never find anyone else and I deluded myself into thinking he would eventually love me enough to be a loving husband. Sadly enough that day and these 4 years really affected the rest of my life.

I know I can't dwell in the past, I can't change it. But I get sad at our anniversary not for a lost love. But for how much I disrespected myself by marrying him. I wish I could say at one time we had a good R and he really had love for me. But I can't. I don't even take his lack of love and respect for me personally. It's how he is with human beings.

I miss my exNG every day. I do, it's the truth. I have tons of love in my heart for him that refuses to go away. His soul is actually beautiful. But I refuse to ever decrease my self worth hoping someone will love me the way I love them ever ever again. Honestly, walking away from him was the strongest hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had about a million chances to be that strong with my ex. I didn't take a single one of them.

Well, 12 years older today and a little. It stronger

[DonH]

Do you really like love him (exNG) or love what you hoped you had and he was or would be? Something tells me you loved the thought of finally having what you've always wanted. If he was that great you would still be with him. You walked away and had the strength to walk away because you know you deserved more and he could never provide it. If he really was worthy of the love you have he would have held up his part in it. It's the thought and hopes for what you wanted not what was. I think as soon as you see that you'll be able to let go of it.

And you know how I've said you and I are so much alike, I can tell you that bar far, with ought a doubt, my biggest life mistake was getting married to my first wife. By far, the dumbest thing I ever did. When she told me she was leaving I never cried once - not once. How could I have been so stupid. Dumbest move of my life. And I'm a very smart guy - at least much of the time. It happens to the best of us.

[JksD]

(((Ginger)))

[whatisis]

Hey G, there's nothing wrong with missing someone or something special...it's when it blocks you from moving on then it becomes an issue. I certainly don't get that feeling from you. I think once you love someone a part of you will always love that person...maybe not in the same way or in the same intensity but there's nothing wrong with love