Ha, I have to keep reminding myself of that too! Glad you found it so helpful.
My W still pushes buttons to get me angry, and the "worst" response I have given lately is calm and stern. I can't imagine leaving my W when she was pregnant. I called her pretty so many times despite her ballooning up to almost 300 lbs (that was about 60+ lb weight gain) with that little beach ball growing in her tummy.
You deserve to be angry (more than probably all of us), but until you've got a better grasp of it (this is VERY VERY hard) try as hard as you can to fake it. Luckily I've been able to control mine, but it took lots of work, lots of unloading on my therapist and lots of practice.
Sounds like you're doing well, keep it up!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Yeah I did, it's amazing sometimes how it just takes one thing to click and you think hang on that's right, that's why I'm doing this. I think we all need a reminder of why we are doing this at times, and also why we should not match their sh*tty mood swings.
A lot of people have said that to me, and it's something I didn't ever think he would do. But hey he's gone ahead and done it! I'm certainly having a good go at this.
Just a quick question to make sure I'm on track. So like I say, he hides out in his room, avoids contact with me. When I return home or something like that, do you think I should go and say hey? Or am I doing the right thing at the moment by leaving him be and getting on with my own thing?
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
If I were you, I would not make a point to go say hey. He is the one who has withdrawn from the relationship, so if he wants to talk to you, he needs to be the one reaching out. When someone asks for space, either explicitly or by their actions, give it to them. By following him into his space and trying to initiate communication, you are pursuing and showing him how much you have still not detached. Leave him be. You don't have to be rude, ignore him, or be unkind. If you find yourself in the same room as him through ordinary circumstances, polite chit chat is fine. Just don't go out of your way to reach out to him. Be neutral. Treat him like the next door neighbor who has no impact on your life. Be friendly and upbeat if you see him...don't worry about it if you don't. He checked out on you, not the other way around. The only thing you have the responsibility to fix is yourself. Anything more is his job.
That's been my school of thought and what I've been doing so far. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.
Found out he's started a smoking habit sneakily. He's never ever in his life smoked, apart from hookah. Doesn't seem like a happy person, more like someone who's reaching out for some kind of vice.
In better news, me and s have had a great day surrounded by love and laughs. AND can't be certain, but I am pretty sure I can feel those early flutterings of my baby. Any mami's out there know that this is the best feeling in the world.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
What a sweet feeling. I remember it almost 16 years ago. I think you are right about him needing a vice. Like addiction transfer, seeking a high or avoiding stress. Denial worked forme, my 'drug'. Nothing works but dealing with reality. Are you familiar wit the children's book, We're going on a Bear Hunt? Great and fun book with a great message on reality and dealing with obstacles in life and adventures ... the theme is "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, oh no! We have to go thru it!"
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
That's the way I see it, it's a vice. A few weeks ago when he started this BS he was the one appearing really happy, and I was the one looking for some kind of escapism (I think denial was my safety net) and looking withdrawn and depressed. Now, I'm out and about, enjoying my child. And while I am still hurting, I am still smiling and having moments of genuine happiness and fun with my child.
Feels like these roles have had a slight switch. White anger is helping me push on today, and that feeling gave me a "I couldn't care less" approach to my day.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
On the saying 'hey'. Back when in a similar sitch I used to be upbeat and positive. Always saying 'good morning' (or 'morning') happily - even though I often felt very differently. Did it do any good. Yes for me, it kept me up beat.
I even said it the day after she tore my anniversary card up within inches from my face (unopened), thew it in my face and said "I don't want your F**king Card and I dont want you!". I didn't react; I didn't want the kids to wake. I just said I am sorry you feel like this and went to bed. In the morning, the first thing I said was "Good morning"!!
Like I say, not sure it does you any good but it does show that bully in them they will never win.
Your choice, it probably makes little difference really. I would just go with what you feel is 'you', at your core.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Our anniversary is tomorrow. I've nothing planned and certainly nothing expected, shall just be another day.
If I see him, I'm upbeat enough. He walked through the room me and s were in and I said hello. He said he was going out, so I said to s to say bye bye to daddy. S didn't even look up. I said go on, say bye. Go give him a kiss. He still didn't look at him. So wh, said in going and that was that. It breaks my heart that s doesn't want to know. But then can I honestly blame him right now. As soon as wh went, s was back chatting away to me. There's nothing I can do, I'm not bad mouthing him in front of s ( I don't think he would understand anyway if I did), and I'm not keeping him away from his dad. Surely a wayward can feel pain from their child ignoring them?!
I guess I just need to carry on being a rock and a lighthouse for my s if no one else.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sadly whatever he is going to is a drug - to him. And he needs a fix. He won't see what you see or your S. Until he sees the drugs don't work (name that tune!).
Wrong side. You still point at planes according to Peter Kay.....tsk.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
It hurts in a way to watch him unravel in front of me. But I know I need to stay stepped back and allow him to travel this journey.
I must admit, I've lived in quite a few places in my life. And York is one place I've often thought to relocate to. Possibly my favourite city in the uk. So much history and character to it
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
