Husband just told me he is moving out.

[ForGump]

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

[BluWave]

Hi MB,

I am sorry you are here. You will get some great support and advice from these awesome people here. All of us have been through it or are going through it in one way or another. I am a few years down the line and my H has been back for 16 months, so I came here not because I am an expert, but because I struggled to follow the DB principles and I can now see how that worked against me.

Just to share with you, my H had depression too as our family life became very chaotic for years. He was having an EA with a mutual friend who was heavily pursuing him. I was shocked, we split, and I fell hard. They had a full blown R for almost a year and I was a mess. Well wouldn't you know she didn't actually "make" him happy (no one does right?) and he was more miserable than he had ever been. So he did a sharp 180, worked on himself, and here we are a couple years later. It's still hard and I am still working on forgiveness. He always was and is a great father and I think that shines through in his favor, as I have thought about giving up at times.

So I am telling you all of this now because I want you to know I understand your pain, devastation, and anxiety about the future. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, and go through every emotion you have. Gather a solid support system and go to them and let them be there for you. Do not turn to H, let him know your feelings, or expect anything from him--he cannot and will not be there for you and it will only hurt you more.

Here is the hardest part. Let him go. Even if you know he is making a mistake, know he needs help for depression, and believe in your heart he will come back, you still must let him go. He has chosen this path and all we LBS can do is honor it. Far too many here hang on tight and only DB to win back their S. It doesn't work! In fact IMO the only real shot we have at saving our Ms is to release them and start living for ourselves again. Let them go and let them discover they are in fact the one losing YOU.

Follow Sandi's rules--read them every day--they are each there for valuable reasons. No vacation. No R talk. Go dark on him and do not initiate any talk/text unless it is important about the kids. Starting today, take all focus off of him and focus on you and your kids only. H does not get to see your emotions or know your position anymore. It's ok for him to think you are moving on. He will temp check and you don't have to go there--you can listen, validate, tell him he has given you a lot to think about, end convo.

He may press you for answers and he may become mean. It's very disheartening and confusing to see your H this way, but remember this is his journey and he is in a fog. It is not as much about you and the M as you think. This is a very long process and nothing has to be decided or done today. He can go, sign a 5 year lease, pursue another A, file for D, and trust me, things can change on a dime. So right now you take care of number one and that is YOU. He can go on and see that life will not just be better, and he can blame you for his unhappiness, but he will soon find life may be harder without you and he will see the affects on the kids.

I am all about the tough love. I just tell people what I needed to hear but didn't. Keep posting. This is the hardest obstacle in life, but you WILL get through it. Life is long. Let him go and learn from his mistakes. Wake up each day and take good care of yourself. As you grow stronger and more confident he may notice over time. If he doesn't, well you really don't want him now do you? You deserve a man that respects you and sticks by you, even through the hard times.

-Blu

[Mombear]

Thanks for that beautiful post. I am worried that some of the DB strategies could backfire, especially since my husband has abandonment issues.

Last night, he woke me in the middle of the night and asked me to come down to his room and snuggle with him. I did. Don't know that it means anything, but it felt good.

[Cadet]

Sounds like he asked his MOM to snuggle with him and you obeyed.

I think you should be his wife not his MOM

[Mombear]

What do you mean by that, Cadet? Should I have said no? He knows where I stand, and that I love him and that I am not done with our marriage. So when he shows vulnerability, I feel wrong turning him down.

[RSG]

It's hard, but what he means is don't be at their beckon call while they are doing something wrong and destructive.

[BluWave]

This is why it feels counterintuitive and you must trust the process. He does not get to threaten separation come/go as he pleases and then you are there for hugs and support. No! This is codependent and unhealthy. When a person hurts or rejects us--depression or whatever the reason might be--the natural consequence is to draw a circle around yourself and protect yourself. He does not get hugs and support, you are not his mom.

Boundaries are important here. It is time to take care of you and tell him no. If he is giving up on the M then he has made his choice. Let him go.

I would worry about that too whe H was floundering--I wanted H to know I would give him another chance and was afraid I would push him further away. That's not how it actually works! H needs to see you comfident, strong boundaries, and moving forward in life without him. He needs to see what he is losing.

Trust me, if he wants you back and is ready to work on himself, he will do it! You are not preventing him from that! Unfortunately this can take a long time and he needs to look inside himself. So start focusing on you and telling him no!

[Mombear]

I know, I know. I just want so badly for this to work. I'm giving him space today and we haven't talked about last night. Things are friendly, we are taking the kids to the pool and will picnic there.

[Mombear]

You were all right. Today he got mad and told me he'd rather kill himself than spend another 10 years with me. He later apologized, but yeah. He's not up for reconciling.

[Rose888]

I am so sorry.

With depression, I think it helps to realize that it's often the depression talking. That's not a helpful thing to point out to him, obviously 😉, but it helps me to keep it in mind.

When H and I discuss past depressive episodes, it's amazing how differently we remember them.

Hang in there.