Part 3 Still recovering from my emergency surgery, returning to work. DB activities, dealing with some divorce related legal processes. I lose all hope in reconciliation - major sadness and depression. At the end of the thread I get flamed by people on the board for wanting to go out and date again. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691342#Post2691342
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Honestly at this point I'm more focused on 'getting myself together/keeping it under control/moving on' than I am in reconciliation with my W. It just hurts too much to keep that hope alive.
If you're interested in flaming me please do so here. btw I have not gone out w that woman. Again I'm apologizing to MrBond and cat and everyone who seemingly came out of the woodwork to flame the hell out of me. I know you meant well. I think I reacted badly to being criticized because I was just not in a good state that day. I was dealing with a lot of *heavy* divorce related stuff from our last hearing - it was blowing my mind, and the cacophony of internet voices telling me what a crappy person I was caused me to flip out.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I guess you should let some time pass to get over the D issues. I get it though, i want to date too.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
At this point this new woman has been calling me and I just am polite and curt with her, or I ignore it. In the past week I have realized this new woman is just as 'crazy' going through her divorce in her own way (dealing with abusive ex, worried about him exposing her daughter to his new gf etc.) and I realized neither of us should be dating.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
If you're interested in flaming me please do so here.
I'm not interested in flaming you at all...
It took a lot of courage to come back here...
It's easy to see that you are hurting, and it's easy to lash out over the internet.
Nameless, faceless people...
Just please remember, that those people are also hurting, and just trying to find a way through their own private hell.
Yet, still find the time to reach out and help another lost soul..
The vets...they have also been through what you are going through. And whilst each story is different, they are all still somewhat the same.
We might not have asked for this, yet we still worked very hard to get here..we just didn't know that is what we are doing...
The vets posting to you, have moved past, and have created a life after their sitch, yet still take the time to come back to, and reach out to those who are hurting.
Most vets are simply trying to repay a program that helped save us from ourselves. DB works if you will let it. Maybe not in the form that we want, yet always, somehow, in the way that we need...
So let me ask you this...
I have read back, and you have talked a lot about the marriage, and your spouse...
What about you ??
Who are you inside ??
Oh, and maybe try to not take everything as an attack, and so personally....
Thick skin and a sense of humor will take you far here...
I really think I've put in a lot of efforts to GAL. I go to 12 step every day at least once - I have ~120 days of sobriety now. 2-3 counselors and therapists at least several times weekly. I meditate and journal daily. Exercise as much as I can given doctors orders to 'take it easy'. Playing music again. Making big strides on developing my side business. Loving my kids when I'm with them.
But you may have meant 'who are you inside'? - as in, have I gotten to know myself? Have I learned anything? the answer is yes. It is a sad way to learn things but yes. I did a relationship inventory recently - I've only really had two really multi year LTRs - my wife and then the LTR I had in my 20s. Both relationships fizzled because I 'mentally check out' - not being abusive, not being mean, just generally spending more and more time alone working on my own hobbies - the music, the side business. The weed didn't help, although my former girlfriend didn't think anything of it. And then me being very defensive when asked to sacrifice my 'alone time', justifying it by saying that I spend so much time working I need to 'recharge' - pushing back when asked to go to social functions and activities that would take away from my alone time. Feeling complacent in the relationship, but not wanting to leave because I am comfortable if not totally happy. I think at some point I stopped feeling part of a 'partnership' and become very selfish with my time attention and emotions. I think my ex took this very hard, as a rejection of sorts on my part.
What I want in the future is to grow. Find a way to become a more balanced person with better communication skills and empathy - all without sacrificing time to work on my personal projects, which I really appreciate now that I'm alone. I also want to be more social, put more of a priority on other people instead of myself. Also now that I'm a single father I have to really pay close attention to how I'm handling myself in that regard.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Oh, and maybe try to not take everything as an attack, and so personally....
Thick skin and a sense of humor will take you far here...
I feel like I'm naturally pretty laid back - what I'm going through right now is so beyond the pale, sometimes I don't know if I'm fit to be out in public interacting with people. I have to really concentrate on keeping myself together sometimes.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
But you may have meant 'who are you inside'? - as in, have I gotten to know myself? Have I learned anything? the answer is yes. It is a sad way to learn things but yes. I did a relationship inventory recently - I've only really had two really multi year LTRs - my wife and then the LTR I had in my 20s. Both relationships fizzled because I 'mentally check out' - not being abusive, not being mean, just generally spending more and more time alone working on my own hobbies - the music, the side business. The weed didn't help, although my former girlfriend didn't think anything of it. And then me being very defensive when asked to sacrifice my 'alone time', justifying it by saying that I spend so much time working I need to 'recharge' - pushing back when asked to go to social functions and activities that would take away from my alone time. Feeling complacent in the relationship, but not wanting to leave because I am comfortable if not totally happy. I think at some point I stopped feeling part of a 'partnership' and become very selfish with my time attention and emotions. I think my ex took this very hard, as a rejection of sorts on my part.
What I want in the future is to grow. Find a way to become a more balanced person with better communication skills and empathy - all without sacrificing time to work on my personal projects, which I really appreciate now that I'm alone. I also want to be more social, put more of a priority on other people instead of myself. Also now that I'm a single father I have to really pay close attention to how I'm handling myself in that regard.
Great post... Spend some time being selfish, do your hobbies and be yourself... Really decide how much of that time you want to give someone else before you find someone else, if you find doing your own thing isn't as fulfilling as sharing your life with someone else, you'll be able to look back on that decision if you find yourself secluding yourself from someone again in the future.. Best to really know what you want before there is someone else.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Qt just swinging by to check in. WOW how is your noggin. Lots o 2x4 to the old nut eh!?
I am glad to see that you came around and owned up to your reaction. You had a lot of vets swing by to try and help out. Not sure I have ever seen that many pop into one thread. You should be grateful ( ha, there's one for your gratitude journaling) Do heed their advice. They have lived it. Good advice all of it IMHO.
So enuff kicking the dead horse here.......
You sound to be in better spirits and moving on forward.
Keep at it bother.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
