Cherry, h is filing. Need to detach more.

[SH_]

Just a quick check in on dear Cherry.
I have been super busy, but wanted to see how the homework is going?

I wish there was a quick fix out of this to make us feel better. I guess detachment is the magical ingredient.

Unfortunately there is not a quick fix, but the time of spinning, pain and the feelings of not being in control can be shortened by much time by really implementing the LRT and then doing as much studying and implementing information about emotions, relationships etc.
I promise. It really does help. I see it in LBS here in this community when they get after it, and then there are others that just simply drag their feet and get stuck in the rumination.

Detachment is not an ingredient nor a destination.
It is an action.
It does not just happen.
You must choose to do it.
Think about it like exercise and eating as it relates to being healthy.
You can't just hope to be healthy and strong.
You have to choose to do the work and be disciplined and then get to it.
Is it hard at first?
Damn right it is.
It hurts, it is uncomfortable and well it's not very fun.
But as you stick to the right diet, and regular exercise, then it becomes easier and even reaches a point that you actually enjoy it.
This is the same with healthy loving detachment.

You can do this.
I look forward to your update on the homework.

[Surfer]

Painter this is fascinating.

I understand a fair but about this. I read: The Chimp Paradox. Basically your limbic node is your chimp brain. It is one of the oldest parts of the brain. It is uber fast and everything goes through it. If thoughts make it out to your frontal lobe, the human, thinking brain, which takes much longer, you get to rationalise and act like a human. Emotion driven actions are usually a result of thinking with the limbic node. This is when people are most suceptable to poor choices - WS thinking.

Definately worth a read.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Not sure on down the road Cherry. Am from nearer you but lived in the big smoke for well 10 yrs.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

SH thoughts on detachment are great here Cherry.

Keep taking action! But not with your limbic node!!!!

Surfer.

[JksD]

A quick note on detachment.

We're addicted/attached to our spouses. Some ppl can quit cold turkey. Some pple beed repeated attempts. Some ppl need external professional support. Some ppl rely on friends. Some pple need all the help that they can get.

There is no right or wrong route. Don't feel pressured into thinking that there's only one way to do.

I would know. I am not one to quit turkey.

But Cherry, we all need to start somewhere. And keep on keeping on.

Maybe we can start looking at it as trying to quit something less hardcore like smoking.

What do you need? Nicotine patches? Something to distract you? Exercise? Keeping yourself busy?

Maybe you can list down what you need to do and we can help keep you on track.

(((Cherry)))

[annab74]

Cherry, one thing to keep in mind is, detaching isn't giving up. You never know what the future will hold. Feelings are just feelings, and they change when the situation does. Maybe he doesn't think he loves you TODAY, but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be different.

I heard all the same things from my H. He wasn't happy...I was a great woman and the mother of his children but he'd never love me like a wife again. He wasn't willing to even try because he did not WANT to love me again. Of course, there was an OW in the picture, but he insisted she had nothing to do with his feelings and he never got with her until he "knew in his heart" it was over with me. Blah, blah, blah. He was cold, withdrawn, and intentionally nasty, and filed for D with the furor of a trapped animal trying to escape a cage. It's been 10 months since then, and now we have flipped roles. When I stopped pursuing him, agreed the M was a lost cause and started moving forward, it stopped him dead in his tracks. When he saw me building a new life and happy without him, he panicked. Now that he feels like *he's* the one who's been rejected instead of him rejecting me, he's the one texting, emailing and calling me, begging for another chance, telling me he can't imagine his life without me. People want what they can't have. The OW is appealing because she's off limits... The LBS is easy to walk away from because they know they can have us whenever they want.

Flip the script. Let the man go. Send him off with love for the person he used to be, wish him well, and then move on with your life. Take away his choice in the matter. Right now, he knows he can come back if he wants to. As long as he knows you're waiting and wanting him, he's in control and there is no motivation to change. Take that away from him. Be happy without him. You are the prize and he messed up. Now you walk away and if he wants you, he has to chase and win you back.

I really feel for you going through this while pregnant. I went through a pregnancy alone during separation too and it was one of the more difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. Do you have a good support system?

[Surfer]

annab

Firstly, sorry to hear you H is not on the right page yet - but wow, turnaround city!

Great insight. This will be helpful for Cherry - particularly from a F perspective...

I have a question or two if you don't mind (sorry Cherry you did say I could 'Squat'! on your thread). Namely;

1.Would you have H back (if he had genuinely changed)?
2.Have you dated, been tempted (I have not yet, doesn't feel right, I am married), but the attention would be a boost...
3.My biggie at the moment. WW has a lot of money - she raided an account I set up for her (trusting fool!). I am paying a monthly sum - what I used to pay for food, shopping etc. Not formal, just what I used to put into the joint account. My wife is cake eating big time. I am not asking what I should do, what would you do? - you are not advising me - stop the payments, tell her the money she has is enough for comfort for at least 2 years, or what? I feel she is the Pillsbury Doughboys best friend at the moment.....I could of course, just think, see you in 2 years, when all the cupboard are empty of cake.....

Thanks.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thank you all guys for the support. I've had a lovely day out with my S. He throughly enjoyed himself, and seeing the look of joy and happiness on his face made me happy. Genuinely happy.

I know detachment will not come easily, I know some days I'm going to have to force myself out. But I'll do it, I'm determined. I want to get myself into a better mind frame- one which doesn't involve thinking about him.

The workings of the human body truly amaze me, and yes- I can quite see the resemblance between wh and a monkey right now.

I think what will help me to detach is to keep busy, and by that I mean GAL ing with friends, or with family, or taking my child out. Last time I didn't utilise my support network, this time I fully intend to take advantage, these people genuinely care for me. So I should make the effort and get out and keep social.

Annab, thanks for your advise, and good for you switching those roles around. You're right, they do want what they can't have. And right now, he will be able to sense that I'm hurting and want my family together. It helps that in a way, I've kind of had to go cold turkey. I rarely see him as it seems he avoids me. But when he does see me, I try to appear upbeat and busy doing my own thing. With regards to a good support system, I'm lucky. I've got lots of great people supporting me, not telling me to kick his ass to the curb, just focusing on me and my child(ren). Part of this support system is my MIL, she, in no uncertain terms told him that she would not stand by and support his decision.

Surfer, squat away. Mi casa, su casa amigo.

[Surfer]

My house is yours too if you need a squat!!

Did you have that chat with the MIL. You know the one that you had been anxious about? Or did I miss that..? Sorry if I did.

Surfer.

[annab74]

Cherry...that's totally it. Detachment can't be faked. They can sniff out whether you mean it or not. I temporarily left the state last summer on a "trial break," but still desperately wanted to reconcile. I told H we were done, but he saw right through me and continued to do exactly as he pleased and treated me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. This time, I detached for real and no longer cared about the outcome of our marriage. He saw that and started reaching out to me...which I ignored. The more I ignored him, the more frantic he got to get my attention. Keep faking it until you make it. GAL lots and keep yourself distracted so you don't have time to obsess about it. You will get there! Mostly, just don't give up hope no matter how bleak it looks in the moment.

Surfer...I'm going to start another thread of my own and I'll tackle your questions over there so we don't have to squat on Cherry's. I've got a few errands I have to run, but I'll get back with you today as soon as I have a few minutes to sit down and write a bit about my stuff.