I'm new here. Just looking for support, advice, and some kind words. We've been married 16 years as of tomorrow. Husband told me last night he has signed a lease and is moving out. We haven't told the kids yet... Two boys, ages 7 and 9.
Right now, we have to decide if we can take our family vacation as planned the last week of August. The kids are SO excited and in some ways I really want to give this to them, and I think I can handle it. We'd tell them about the separation after the fact.
Husband is very depressed... Started last fall when he started telling me he didn't feel connected to me anymore. He couldn't, wouldn't give me any more details than that. We started marriage counseling, but after about 7 visits, ended it... It wasn't going anywhere and he wasn't willing or able to do the work. Said he sees the world in black and white and feels numb.
He won't go back to counseling, so I agree this is the next step... Separation. I'm just sad, scared, and confused. I don't even recognize him anymore. He is a shell of the man I married. He refuses to deal with the depression... Believe me, everyone around him has begged him but it is a non-starter.
I'm not sure how or when to tell kids, or what to tell them. I know my youngest son will have a very hard time with splitting time between two places. He's always been a mommas boy and refuses to let anyone else put him to sleep. It is going to be hell.
Anyway, that is a short version of my story.
Thanks for reading.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
Mombear, I'm sorry you're here but you've found a great group of people to help you through this!
I'll leave most of the advice to others who are more experienced than me, but I'll say the vacation decision is hard. I just went through it myself and it can be rough. A lot of emotions attached to pretending to be family when you are hurting inside.
But the key here is to keep your head up and stay strong. You need to be strong for your kids. With that, know that we are here to help and support you! I leave you to more knowledgeable folks!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Mombear, Just went through similar thing too. Read my thread. Depression + Husband signing lease.I have no answers, of course, but I am here and dealing with that. All the best to you, Altair.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
How long were you separated when you did your vacation? On the one hand I really want to give this to my kids, but in the other hand I know it is going to be hard. In an ideal world, we will coparent very effectively and maturely. But it is early days now, I imagine most people think that going in to it.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
You say it started just last fall but ... is it possible he's had a life-long history of depression? Has he been diagnosed by a health professional? Has ever been treated w/ therapy and/or medication?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Thanks for the response. It is hard. I do think just reading this forum and writing will be therapeutic and also help keep me from wanting to contact him. I'm going to start doing the 180, but it will be hard to really be effective before he moves out.
Why won't they acknowledge depression??? I'm so hurt by this. Like his fear of medicine is more important than the devastation we are about to bring on our children. I'm trying to deal with that anger. It is hard.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
Another in a similar position here. Depression often seems like a common trigger. My wh has admitted to me that he has depressive thoughts and thoughts of self harm, but refuses to see a IC. Then he will deny it.. Then admit it.. Then deny it. I think you sense the pattern.
A few months back, while me and H were having a dark patch (no d had been mentioned at this point, and still in the same bed); we took a vacay. Although there is the pain of pretending to be a happy family. Just focus on the kids, that's what I did. I would tell h our plans for the day and gave him the option to join. And the majority m of the time he would join us, and even began to warm to me. I was upbeat, relaxed and genuinely enjoying time with my child.
Focus on you and the children. That's truly where it starts
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
He has a family history of depression. But the past year was a really big year for us, so I think it threw him for a spin. We moved into a new house, he got a huge promotion at work, but it is his last promotion. He works for the government, and he has always been very highly motivated and goal oriented, to the point that realizing he has topped out at age 38 is depressing for him.
In any case... He will not try meds and I can not make him. He functions well enough to keep his job and parent, so I can't force the issue. I wish I could, but I cannot.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you're here. It must be tragic to have to tell your little boys this. The stubbornness is obnoxious, this is a common theme among all of them regardless of why they want to leave.
I will say one thing. As hard as it will be emotionally, the growth you will experience once he moves out will be much greater than anything you could hope to do if he were still there. Also, it will show him how hard it would be to live without you.
I've gotta say, your name brought me to tears. When my little boy was born almost 4 yrs ago, I started calling my W Momma bear, and shortly thereafter she called me Daddy bear. She was a great Mom, Super Mom in fact, such an inspiration to me and helped me become the Dad I am. Then this crap started in early 2016, and she lost such interest in our son let alone me. At times I see the old Mom come out, and my heart fills with happiness for my boy. Then others, she doesn't seem to care one bit about my keeping him upwards of 6 days a week. I'm just not having a good afternoon/evening I guess.
Sorry if I hijacked your story. I truly am sorry. This place is both heaven and hell. The people here, especially the vets, will give you great advice and help you navigate things the best way possible. I'll try to throw my 2 cents your way when I can.
Be there for your kids. Show them strength and love. They need you more than ever now. My boy has always been a Mommas boy. He's slowly but surely become Daddy's little man. Your kids need you, and more than ever you need your kids. Nothing feels better than hearing, out of the blue, "Daddy I love you."
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
