doodler -- my W is a bit of hybrid. Resolutely refuses to work on the R, go to MC, etc., but, at least to date, no OM (I've snooped, I'll admit it, embarrassingly).
She's just "done" and sees no way we could be rehabilitated but, for now, is willing to play house while our youngest completes 4th (just started) and 5th grade because we're zoned for a great public school but will in any event be putting him in private school for 6th and can live anywhere, in two houses, etc.
So I keep hoping the GALing and 180ing breaks down the Berlin Wall she's built up around her heart, but my continued difficulty detaching undermines the efficacy of those otherwise really good activities. They read as "because of" or "for her" instead of evidence of me moving on emotionally, without her.
Any advice that ever occurs to anyone following this thread will be gratefully appreciated.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I hope she's able to work her way out of whatever it is that she's going through. Two years is a good amount of time; I hope you have the stamina to wait for her to snap out of the fog.
If she's happy playing house, then do you think she might let you play doctor on occasion?
doodler -- she does let me play doctor sometimes, although it's been a while. Detachment it helps not (he says in jedi Yoda voice).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I second what lfm is saying. One of the things that frustrated me so very much when I first came to this board was how many people just kept offering the same basic introductory things without considering that indeed each sitch is unique. They may have been right but it all seemed to stark and formulaic.
If I may, gentlemen, I would like to join the conversation. In response to what was said above, I would like to add my thoughts, too. I have learned from experience that a newcomer would read advice in another thread for another board member.........and the newcomer would take that piece of advice to apply to his own situation. If anything was said to the newcomer about he should or shouldn't do it, he would say, "Well, that's what I read on so & so's thread.
I agree that every person's situation may call for more personalized or individual advice, however, if it is that far from the usual basic DB advice initially given, then it needs to be specified....so as not to cause confusion to others. Whether we call ourselves the softer or tougher, it should at least resemble DBing. Look how MWD wrote the overview of the steps in DR, before she started to emphasize on certain situations.
As for as offering the same introductory type of advice, most everyone in the newcomers section are......well, a newcomer. A few may be venturing out to post to another member for the first time, and don't really know a lot to say......or they may advise what they have read from someone else. I feel like many respond to let that newcomer know people are seeing him reaching out for help. FWIW, I use to be one of the first to respond to a newcomer, and I would type a post that would be ridiculously long (hard to believe, huh?). Then I would check back later to find the newcomer had never returned after his first post! IDK.....maybe I scared him away!
I can understand what you are saying and how that might be frustrating to an anxious newcomer waiting for help. I don't know that we could finely tune a newcomer's first couple of posts enough to give him some advice that would not be considered "general" or basic DBing. In fact, all newcomers don't tell enough of the information we would need (in their initial posts), in order to determine they need advice pertinent to just their situation.
Quote:
In all seriousness, I think the thing everyone needs to keep in mind is that there are a lot of different views on all of this, some are more firm than others, some are more soft. The thing is that while a lot of us have simmilar stories and situations, that doesn't mean our spouses are going to respond the same way to the same actions.
That's true, and although you may not recognize the alien in your W's body, you still know her better than anyone else. When I first joined, there were several who promoted exposing the cheater to EVERYONE. The relatives, town, church, schools......you name it! Although I have been able to see a few cases where the families needed to know the truth.........it would not have worked if my H had exposed me before the world! I would have left town and maybe committed suicide. IDK, but I was not in a healthy emotional state.
On the other side of this subject, let me tell you something I've seen several times. I have seen newcomers who were attending IC, MC, calling DB coaches, and reading every relationship book/program and every MR forum they could find........and then respond to us, "I'm so confused b/c that other forum said such & such, and [i]you are saying something different"[/i]. I mean, seriously? Every book, forum, coach, and counselor in the world are going to give the same cookie-cutter advice? Every author who writes about MR, is going to say every thing the other author is saying in his book? Why do people think they are going to get the same advice world wide? If everyone gave the same advice, then why would that newcomer continue to grab everything in sight, to see what the next person or website advised about MR's?
Much of what is said on the boards, come from personal experience. Some are great advisors about MLC. We have some here who have brought light to spouses of abuse. If you do nothing but stick around to read threads, you'll begin to learn by observation.
Anyway, I've written another book.......so, I'll close for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great points, sandi, as always. As a former lurker, then newb, often i feel like posting for just that, to show support that someone is out there on the interwebs sharing your pain. Because it seems a lot of people on here are like me, alone with their thoughts, not getting out as much as we should for a variety of reasons. I hope, in a tiny way, I can make someone feel heard, at least.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Me too, FG. I think she might say I need to figure out a way for my W to experience serious "loss", but that runs into my thoughts above re the WAS/WW distinction, and I'm not sure that's the best approach (or even how I'd do it short of moving out, which I'm not doing) if she's WAS (as opposed to WW).
For now I'm just going to put my head down and get back to DBing, try to be as outwardly happy and not affected as possible, intensify GALing and 180s, try to (re)focus on how good that can make and has made me feel and see what happens.
Seriously, maybe that's the route to detachment: if you do everything you can, how can you do more? And don't you eventually come to the realization that there isn't anything else you can be doing? And does that maybe give you the peace of mind to let go?
Going to get of the internet for a while and work out!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
props to all of you guys with you in-house S!!! I did it for a week and could NOT hold my sh!t together. Still hard, but better now that we are physically separated.
JRuss, maybe I'm too optimistic, (I wouldn't even know where to start) but to me it seems like if your W sticking around and the fact that there isn't OM you could turn things around? as a newb i may or may not have too much hope!
interesting conversation guys about in-house separation leading to R and physical separation leading to R, let me throw my 2cents. it seems very counter intuitive to be dim / dark and living separately and blah blah to R. I am trusting this with all I got, but man, how to wrap your head around all this will or may lead to R? interesting thread here.
Boy, I'm guilty of the confused thing as I look for ideas everywhere and then get overwhelmed. Sandi helped put that into perspective for me... pick one thing and try it, if it works keep doing it and add a thing or two to the plan a bit at a time. Basically picking a direction or method and work out what works and repeat.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
