Are we there yet?

[Ginger1]

Hey Georgia!

I haven't even confronted ex yet, but I know I have to. I feel like I am avoiding it, and I should be going all mama bear on him, but I am so at the point I know it doesn't make a difference. I am angry about this, but expressing any anger to that insensitive wall sometimes is so pointless.

I'm back at work since yesterday and some form of exhaustion is catching up to me, I cannot for the life of me keep my eyes open. I am sitting here at my desk nodding off. I am dropping D off at cheerleading tonight, ex is picking her up, and I am going home and passing out. I was on my foot a lot yesterday and it finally hurts. Stiches come out Thursday though.

I'm in avoidance mode right now if things I really have to take care of physically and emotionally.

I think I am going on a date from a guy online. I don't pay any attention anymore. but this guy caught my attention, we chatted a bit, I honestly just didn't have time to get on the app and chat back after a few times, and I felt like a butthead. he actually reached out asking if everything was ok. I told him about surgery and such, and I apologized for not getting back to him. I felt really bad. We may have a date next week. I have one night free, after 8pm. Really, why would a guy want to deal with that? One date won't hurt.

I feel like I make a good partner, but I can't give anyone quite what they deserve right now in terms of time. I can't even give myself what I deserve in terms of time, lol

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Ginger,

Get some rest tonight. And I know this isn't any consolation, however, my ex h averages having kids around 2 nights a month. Sometimes 3. I'm *sure* one isn't supposed to handle things this way, however, at this point in my life I am all about candor. I told the new guy at the beginning "If any guy wants to get to know me, he will have to be accommodating and flexible. I have 3 kids under 13 my sitter is in college."

Not to sound all Hallmark cardish, but I think when you meet the *right* fit, that person will understand. It doesn't make it easy.However,I did not want to delude anyone into thinking "this chick has every other weekend free!!" To quote Mrs. Blockhead from Peanuts, "Mwak, mwak, mwak."

You sound like a wonderful, compassionate lady with a ton to offer to anyone. I always say I don't have baggage, but rather an entire set of Orla Kiely luggage. Go on the date. Enjoy yourself and have fun.

Hope the foot feels better:)

[Underdog]

Lil' G!

I saw your photo on the alt and just want to say (late, of course) that I hope you're on the mend and ready to kick some a$$ soon! Hugs, sista.

Sigh. Here's a side note to all of you who are wondering if this problem ever goes away. The answer is NO. NO. Mr. W. and I have lived separately since January 2002 and divorced since May 2005. It's a long, damn time and I *still* have to go to the mat with him now and then. 90% of the time, it's about the girls. The other 10% is when he's treating me like something yucky on the bottom of his shoe. As I told him on our road trip to NY back in May, what do I have to lose? He already divorced me, so nothing. He's not paying me maintenance and child support ended this past March. NOTHING.

I can tell you from my POV is that when I choose to do this from a solution perspective, he's receptive and *I* feel better. I've often put discussions on hold until the anger and blame have shifted and I am in the right mindset to be kind and helpful. I rarely get good feedback from him when I'm not ready to get there on my own. As MWD said, strike when the iron is cold. I'm a huge fan.

Compose your thoughts and make sure you get back in the mindset of "when you said that to D9, this is how she said she felt. I imagined being in her shoes and felt this was important to address with you, because I know you don't mean to hurt her." Maybe that's total BS, but give him a way in to listen and take some corrective action?

Some day very soon, your D9 is going to be the one to bust his chops. I know you enjoy hearing stories of my D22. But it took her awhile to muster up the energy to say stuff to her dad. In the end, she told me that she only felt ready when she knew I had her back 100% and she felt she could deal with his defense tactics (he's a master of this game). I wound up coaching her how to be emotionally honest without blame. And I reiterated over and over how it didn't matter how he received the message, as long as it was delivered truthfully and without malicious intent. She was a great student.

To this very day, I think her path with her dad has affected her R with him. She called me on her lunch hour today and said with a heavy sigh, "Is Dad traveling again or is he home?" I told her he was home this week. She said quietly, "I guess it's time I call him. We mainly text nowadays, and it's better that way."

Good f*cking grief! I am SOOOOO glad she doesn't feel that way about calling me! She calls me 3-4x a week now. That's the result of his decade plus of not getting real with his kid. Sometimes I scratch my head and think, "what a dick head. I'm divorced from a dick head." But she pointed out to me back in June on our way to MA that she thinks he has a lot of regrets, and that she thinks his choices affect(ed) him a whole lot more than he's willing to admit... to us or even himself.

So there you have it.

Love you!

Bets

[Ginger1]

Thanks bets! I'm hoping this is the end for my stupid foot. I need my physical activities back! especially when I am not partaking in other physical activities.....lol

You are so right about everything. I know my ex isn't going to change, just like yours hasn't. The trick is bringing them up so they can emotionally handle things. It is just sad what our kiddos have to deal with with their fathers. I can sit here, and get all mad and attack him, but I know that won't accomplish anything. I have to handle him with kid gloves, in a non-accusatory sense, and make sure not of it shows MY upset. It's got to be from D9's perspective.

One thing in all of this I am glad about is she knows it isn't right. She is more hurt by the way he treats her grandmother than he treats her. She knows Grandma is a loving woman and doesn't deserve it. She knows she doesn't deserve it either. My fear is her thinking people actually deserve to be treated this way. And she knows it's wrong. Thank the Lord.

yesterday she was talking about how she had to get in the shower before cheerleading practice because Daddy will be mad because it will be late when they get home. I said it makes no sense now, you will shower at your dad's. I said daddy can get mad at me for it if he insists on getting mad. She was shocked I was ok with that. I told her I am not scared of her father, so don't worry about it.

I hope D9 have the relationship you and D22 have when she grows up. I'm just going to keep on nurturing it.

Love you too, bets! By the way, I have a fantastic idea for a meetup one of these days, I have someone I want to bring along:)

Georgia- thank you! I am so happy that you have found someone who embraces your life and your sitch. You make such a good point. Everyother weekend isn't necessarily free just because you don't have the kids. And I'm so impressed by how you do it with 3 kids.

So, I emailed that guy about setting something up for next Wednesday. he told me "he can't make plans that far in advanced" (a week?) and asked if I had anything free this week. I got honest and explained my custody schedule and I told him that my childless time is planned out in advanced. I don't have parents I can drop her at, and spontaneous doesn't happen without child. I told him this reality of my life and I am understanding if tat doesn't work for him.

So, it isn't going to work out, I'm sure.

But, hey, I tried.

This may very well be my reality and I am accepting I am to be romantically alone for now. I cannot give what I need to give to a new R.

[Ginger1]

....oh, and I recently had an encounter with a possible suitor that I think may have been a higher powers way of saying "stay single for now, Ginger, stay single!"

[kml]

Haha..... The line about not being able to plan a week in advance? Dump that guy ASAP.

Classic Love Avoidant behavior. I had a Love Avoidant friend who explained it to me once. He said if he made a date on Monday for a Friday night, it " hung over him like a dentist appointment"! That was too much commitment for him lol!

I dated one of these guys, don't do it, it'll drive you crazy.

[Ginger1]

Haha..... The line about not being able to plan a week in advance? Dump that guy ASAP.

Classic Love Avoidant behavior. I had a Love Avoidant friend who explained it to me once. He said if he made a date on Monday for a Friday night, it " hung over him like a dentist appointment"! That was too much commitment for him lol!

I dated one of these guys, don't do it, it'll drive you crazy.

It sent immediate red flags up!

I understand if you can't make plans a month in advanced, but a week????

that was exNG's MO too, even with his friends. "I don't make plans....." he was kind of forced due to my over 2 hour drive up and me staying the whole weekend.

I think I am worthy of making a plan to see me and sticking to it and not waiting to see if something better comes up.

[trumpet]

Any man worth a spit can make plans in advance, and actually enjoy the anticipation.

Men with FOO, addiction, or ADHD issues often want to live spur of the moment. And they will treat you like junk (polite word).

Shame does a lot to a man. He craves respect, but he can't respect himself. It's a negative feedback loop.

Ginger, with my recent D, I've tried the online dating thing, but honestly, it's lots of work, and I seem to attract very few fish worth talking to. Those I've really taken a liking to are hours away, and with a split custody schedule, and a limitation of 25 miles between me and ex, it's going to be difficult to move anywhere until the youngest is in college - umm, that's 11 years.

Am I doomed to be single until then? Who knows. I do know that I must prepare for it. Ginger, Georgiabelle, Underdog, How long did it take you to fully heal and be ready to move forward?

[Ginger1]

Hey trumpet, you are so very right. I tend to attract men with such issues, especially committal issues. I want respect of my time, which is so rarely free, not to be an option if nothing better comes along.

I can't even tell you when I fully healed and moved forward. It was such a step by step process. Letting go of how I thought it should be and the future I lost was when my real healing began.

I spent quite a few years alone and enjoyed it. I dated when I probably shouldn't have. I had a friend with benefits for a few years. I loved one man since, and still am not quite over him. he was LD about 2 and half hours away. I was prepared to move my life up there and make lots of sacrifices. (my ex has a every other weekend and one night a week, but would rather not have his one night a week) I would drive my daughter home to him every other weekend. But this guy could not show me he was willing to do nearly half as much as I was willing to do for him. he wanted me to move close, but not in. He had no clue what he wanted, except for easy.

So, here I am, prepared to be single for a long, long time. I cry over it, honestly, it makes me sad. But I am prepared, I know I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. I have never truly had a "partner" in life, with my ex, or post D. I am 8 yeas post S.

Give it some time, Trumpet, you are new to this. This is a process and the healing really does take time and lots of steps and pieces.

[Underdog]

Ginger,

Have you ever read any Abraham Hicks? They are a husband and wife duo who specialize in the law of attraction. They help us get to our higher selves to attract what we want the most. I've got a few of their books and find them uplifting.

Trumpet - gosh, I can see your angst and despair, and boy, it resonates with me. You're not doomed to be single until your youngest is off to college... unless you want to remain that way. The 25 miles is a toughie, for sure. I thought 16 was hard, but Ginger has a longer distance. And we're the mommies, so it's a bit different.

My D22 was almost 8 when her dad left. And I remember thinking stuff like you shared back then. My now D19 is intellectually disabled, and I worried about being her sole caregiver then. I had some friends with special needs kids telling me that no man would want my package. It was depressing, but I saw proof that it wasn't the case.

I'm wondering if you are lumping dating with moving forward? You can move forward and create a life for yourself without having a significant other present. In fact, it would be my one piece of advice to you. Healing is a gradual process and very individual. It's also circular. It's been a long time for me, yet every now and then, I find myself in a situation that has me feeling like I did when I was in the throes of dealing with the breakdown of my marriage. It had lasting scars. But it also enabled me to become a much nicer and emotionally healthy person too. The double edged sword. I became infinitely more grateful, and I work hard at communicating with people - personally and professionally. I'm not sure I'd have put in the effort if I hadn't have found myself eating a sh!t sandwich.

Time does help. I know you see that as a cliche, but it's true. But you *can* prepare for it. You can do the post mortem on your R with your XW and evaluate what was in your control and what wasn't. You can work on developing a super close R with your kids, and you can be present for them.

Become the man that you know is the most attractive version of you? Those fish will appear when you've accomplished most of that. After all, we're all works in progress. Me included.

College will be here before you know it. The past 4 years have flown by quicker than I imagined. It blows me away. But it doesn't mean you have to sit on your butt and use your red marker to cross days off the calendar. You have 100% of your life, Trumpet. Make the absolute most of it.

BTW, have you read any John Eldredge? Wild at Heart might be a good place for you to start with respect to the shame/respect thing. It leveled me, and I'm not even a guy.

Take care, and Ginger, sorry for the digression.

Hugs,
Betsey