I am exercising constantly, eating healthy food, doing yoga, meditation. I meet with friends regularly and talk to partners about business. My goal is to be 100% happy on my own just in case she doesn't come back. I am not going to put another woman in front of my children, instead I am going to have a relationship with my children. My main goal right now is to make enough money so that they continue to run my business when they grow up if they wish to do so or go to college.
For the record, I had an MLC and my parents were not divorced.
Wonka and I had related our MLC's to other posters at times and I think some is in my old stuff under Mirage/Spirit.
I live my life going forward so I don't ever look back at old posts so I don't know what all is there. I'm here to help where I can and hopefully provide some insight to the new people here.
I can relate to where you are. It seems you only want to hear what you want to hear. The beginning of this is tough and a shock to the system. Hopefully you will move your journey forward.
I think I had a midlife crisis as well in the past 5 years and my parents aren't divorced either, they just fought a lot when I was a child and that deeply affected my childhood. Childhood does matter a lot, that's also why psychologists want to know about it all the time. My childhood right now is affecting my behavior as well, I can say that without any problems. It's just hard sometimes to fight against the machine that takes over the body, but I am trying.
Drew, I am working on myself, don't worry, but we all also need to realize that the MLC is the result of a trouble childhood where the parents divorced, didn't like each other and badmouthed each other in front of the children.
It is not true at all. There are MANY, MANY people who have troubled childhoods, divorced parents, who have come out really well adjusted and happily married. I want to stress and disabuse you of hanging on to this too tightly.
Some people do fall into the MLC rabbit hole and others do not. Why's that? That is the BIG mystery that only God/Universe can answer. You may not know this or not. I serve on a board of a domestic violence organization. You would think that ALL battered women/men are doomed with MLC if you heard their stories. BUT somehow many of them survived some really awful experiences to come out to the other end with happy, intact families and marriages of their own.
In my case, my childhood was happy. The only wrinkle was that my parents divorced and they NEVER ever bad mouthed each other in front of me. Never once did Dad ever bash my mother nor did my mother bash my Dad to me. EVER. It was kept all behind scenes. It is the ADULTS who did stupid stuff behind the scenes that affected me.
My father had an affair which hurt my stepmother deeply. My mother's father was a very stern old school Marine. His way of handling the situation was banning Dad from having contact with my stepmother. Dad, stupidly and rashly as a young man, then retailed by not allowing them to see me. It caused a deep estrangement from the family that I loved for a several years. As a 11-year old, I had no voice in the process. In hindsight, it emotionally stunted me that I never really fully comprehended or understood UNTIL I came to the DB site.
I am the lucky few recovered MLCers. I thank my lucky stars every SINGLE day that I did the hard work here trying to understand my own MLC and coming to terms with it. Sometimes I still play the "what if" game of not being hit with the MLC. I never, EVER once asked for it nor wish it on anyone.
It was truly as if someone kidnapped me and put me down on an alien planet. I no inkling of it coming for me or anticipate it. Nada. Zilch.
There is no logic to an illogical mind with illogical reasoning which is illogical to begin with. You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out the MLC mind. It's about as much fun as trying to find the ends of a speghetti in a large messy marinara filled speghetti bowl. There's no rhyme or reason to this process at all.
Cld, I think you really should stop asking posters a million questions about their spouses's FOO and put the FOCUS squarely on yourself. That is the only thing you can control and IS within your control.
I mean...there is absolutely nothing you can do about their childhoods. It is way pass the past stage. We all realize that at some level MLCers are emotionally stunted at some level.
Realization is one part of the equation. Realization is not going to help you or the MLCer.
What would help is turning to action-oriented approach to YOURSELF.
1-Take care of yourself. Exercise, or whatever floats your boat 2-Validate W (I hope you've read the Validation Cheat Sheet) 3-Focus on yourself and the kids 4-Stop looking in W's direction for that will do no one any good 5-Accept that W is on her own journey. Let Go, Let God 6-There is no quick fix or magic bullets here
Does someone spend their energy trying to understand why a person is in the hospital deep in a long-term coma and staring down at the body trying to find a magic bullet to get him/her out of coma?
No.
Your W is in a long-term MLC coma. She's gone.
Yet you stand still looking down at W's body while neglecting your own life and needs.
Something I see you asking a lot of posters is if they are willing to wait the prescribed 2-5 years for their spouse to wake up. As well as how long people waited.
In my story, which is like so many others here, the initial MLC started in 1997, with bomb in 1998. Reconciliation occured in 2000. Bomb in 2003. Bomb in 2007. I was done in 2009. My X apologized in 2013. So that timeline, as I don't think he is really done yet...spans the course of 16 years to the apology.
While there were some good years mixed in there, many years where the marriage appeared to be pretty good...I basically spent 11 years waiting for the other shoe to drop and it took 4 years after I moved on for any sort of waking up to occur.
Sad when you think about it, however for me, it was exactly what needed to happen. My life would not be what it is now if things had been any different. Which is WONDERFUL.
I read the article you directed Wonka to. I also disagree with what is in there. I guess though, based on those "facts" I should warn my partner that I am most definately going to be starting a MLC at some point. My parents divorced. I am female. I am in perimenopause. I guess I meet the required criteria...
I agree with Wonka...while I understand the need to understand MLC and what is going on, don't let it be your focus. You can learn on the side while you live and laugh and love.
The things you stated to Drew that you are doing are a great start, but what about stuff for fun?
On another note...
Mach, why haven't I seen that tutu?
Eric shared his...:)
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"The only wrinkle was that my parents divorced and they NEVER ever bad mouthed each other in front of me. Never once did Dad ever bash my mother nor did my mother bash my Dad to me. EVER. It was kept all behind scenes. It is the ADULTS who did stupid stuff behind the scenes that affected me.
My father had an affair which hurt my stepmother deeply."
Drew, you just proved that what I am saying is right, you were acting like your father during your MLC, please stop ignoring the elephant in the room. I know that some people who come from broken families have happy marriages but usually because they reflect the behavior of the left behind spouse. For instance my brother in law, who is happily married, is acting like his father, the left behind spouse that my mother in law divorced. As I said before men tend to act like their fathers and women like their mothers.
"The only wrinkle was that my parents divorced and they NEVER ever bad mouthed each other in front of me. Never once did Dad ever bash my mother nor did my mother bash my Dad to me. EVER. It was kept all behind scenes. It is the ADULTS who did stupid stuff behind the scenes that affected me.
My father had an affair which hurt my stepmother deeply."
Drew, you just proved that what I am saying is right, you were acting like your father during your MLC, please stop ignoring the elephant in the room.
Cld,
Wonka posted that to you, not me. And again, she's a woman.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
