Ah, but little do you realize, your constant verbal reminders to your kids 'I love Mommy, Mommy is good, I am going to wait for her so I can minimize damage" is just as good as bashing her. It's sitting in their very young minds "well, daddy loves mommy, but mommy doesn't love daddy and it's mommy choosing not to come home"
it's as good as bashing, I am afraid. Love isn't words or proving to your kids through words, that you love their mom.
So, focus on what you have control over, and that is your R with your kids.
Hi Cld. I'm going to jump in here. I think it is very noble of you to want to make it clear to your children that you love their mother and want to get back together with her. But Ginger is making the point that for your very young children, they really just want to be assured that they are loved and will be ok during a scary change in their life...regardless of what happens between the two of you.
You can TELL someone over and over how much you love them, but SHOWING them is what counts. Especially with children. If you are spending limited time with your children and TELLING them about your feelings for their mother, you are actually causing unease in your children because the focus is not on them...physically on them. Play with your children, imagine and create with your children, BE PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY present with your children. If they ASK about their mother, answer their questions briefly and turn the focus back on them. Don't seek to control their feelings or assume that they need to feel about your relationship with their mother the way that you do. They don't know enough about the abstract concept of divorce to be influenced by it. For all they know, you and your wife living apart could be a normal vacation from each other. Stop putting your adult knowledge of what this means into their heads. Just SHOW them you love them and play.
Children are not mini-adults. At their age, they want to see and feel your love for them. They may wonder why mommy and daddy aren't together and that might confuse and scare them, but at their level of understanding they really just want to be sure that THEY are safe and loved. So, just show them. Make sure you plan something fun to do together, something to DO, even if it is just coloring or cooking or jumping on a trampoline. That is what will stick in their minds when they think of you...not "I really love your mother". You can show that by not talking about the situation, because believe it or not, by bringing her up all of the time, they will start to see her as bad for making you unhappy. She is the one that is not wanting you to be together. So, you are actually NOT helping by constantly telling them this. I loved my own husband so much that I wrapped my whole life around him. I told him I loved him many times a day. His main complaint? That I didn't love him or even like him. And that is an adult. Sure, he's an MLCer, but my point is...words can really mean nothing when actions are much more easily understood. Show your love rather than talking about it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Sorry to say that, but you all sound like people coming from broken families. Were your parents divorced? As I said before I am not going to ignore the subject and I am not going to treat my children as if they were stupid. They understand what's going on and they need reassurance that everything will be fine.
There is a difference between treating your children like they are stupid, which I think you are actually doing now and treating them like adults, and treating them like kids.
How is you not being present with them and focusing on the words that you love their mom assuring them that everything will be fine?
You are giving them a very false picture right now. reassurance comes from knowing that no matter what their parents love THEM, not eachother.
And you want to focus on others coming from broken homes? Fine, yes, my parents divorced when I was 17. And what I concerned myself with was that my parents relationship with me would remain unchanged. And my mother did not do that for me. She focused so much on my father, we had zero relationship.
And if anything damaged me from that divorce, it was my mother forgetting me. If anything SAVED me during that divorce, is my father making sure he kept our relationship solid and unchanging.
So there is your answer for your broken family comment.
There are far worse things than the actual "broken" family. It's how you react and deal with it, and what you are doing will cause the damage, not the broken family.
My parents were together until my father passed away unexpectedly three years ago. They had a very loving marriage and my childhood was "uneventful". I had a great childhood and great marriage (I thought) until my kids were in high school. They are grown now. My husbands parents are celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary. So, no. No divorced, unhappy childhood here.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
And again, children are not mini-adults. They are not stupid, but their cognitive skills are not developed. The relationship ideas are abstract. Kids are not ready for abstract ideas. Even if your children are very, very advanced...they are not ready to understand what you want them to. But I'll back off. I will agree that maybe you aren't ready to hear what people are saying just yet.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen, your kids are 25 and 23. They won't be affected much by the divorce. My kids are 3 and 7 and need emotional stability and love right now. No chaos for them.
