Am I on the wrong bicycle?

[job]

Andrew,

Your questions are very good ones and hopefully others will chime in to answer them for you. I'd like to take some time this evening and review them before I give you my thoughts tomorrow. I do think that you've figured out some of the rationale, if you want to call it that, in some cases.

I don't usually hand out 2X4's when I see someone is trying to learn and have a better understanding of what may or may not be going on. However, I do hand out 2X4's when I have to continue to repeat myself over and over again after 12 threads. LOL!

[AndrewP]

Sorry - one last one while I have my get out of 2×4 pass.

Why hasn't OM given up and moved on? This has got to be tough on him too.

[AndrewP]

PPS I wish the editor’s button worked.

BD1 was somewhat accidental. W got very drunk on vacation and told me she was leaving. She was very serious and the words seemed rehearsed but she didn't remember doing it later and was horrified two days later when I asked for confirmation. I believe that she might have delayed telling me she was leaving indefinitely otherwise.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Holy crap that's a flood gate of questions.

You have to realize that a lot of he answers are going to speculative at best, right?

Like Job, I need some time to answer them.

And wait...

Who said no 2x4's? I didn't sign up for that.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

- After W told me she was leaving and both before and after I discovered her A I gave her multiple opportunities to leave even suggesting that we cancel an insurance policy on me that would not be necessary if she left to provide her with seed money. She was horrified and pushed aggressively against that or any other step I suggested that was irreversible. On the other hand even after BD1 she was talking about bringing tradesmen in to work on the house and getting our wills updated (which I put a stop to because she had said she was leaving).

Irreversible. She isn't a WAW, if she was she wouldn't care. But as an MLCer its all about the confusion, things set in stone tend to scare them. Change? Change is great as long as there are options.

- Why did W play the martyr moving herself out of the MBR after BD2 making her life complex and painful when she could have done whatever she wanted and easily manipulated me. She knows she can do this and has before to get what she wants. This follows none of the scripts as I understand them. A trivial example of martyrdom was her toothbrush. We have 2 bathrooms one in the MBR and one downstairs. Every evening for 4 months W would timidly knock on the MBR door and ask if it was OK for her to go through to clean her teeth. She would then (generally) walk through looking straight ahead, do her thing and then leave either looking straight ahead or away from me. Usually she would politely return my good-nights. On rare occasions she would engage me in conversation and be cheerful but that was maybe just an "up" day.

In her shoes would you rather be the martyr, or the cold hearted bitch who is making her husbands life hellish? One is easier to live with.

- W never showed any anger at me or blamed me for anything even when she was at a phase where she was so very proud and scornful. Even when she really tried she could come up with no answer on why she wanted out of the marriage other than that she didn't want us to end up like her parents, old and bickering at each other all the time. Again - not to any script out there that I've seen. 27 years is a lot of history that could be re-written.

A crappy reason not to be married is usually in the script. If not exactly the same in all cases. Are you sure she hasn't rewritten anything? I find that odd even without MLC, everyone remembers events very differently.

- After BD2 when the A was discovered W became progressively more honest and transparent with me with regards to her movements etc around any of the times that I could have expected to see her even WRT to OM which she knew caused me great pain and seemed to pain her too.

Mine was more honest and transparent, except when she wasn't being more honest and transparent. Its easier to trust a liar than a mostly honest person. You always expect the liar to lie, know what I mean here?

- Why did W wait for months and months before getting a proper meeting with a L and only did so after she moved out? She did initially push me to see one saying that she already had (was free county general advice). My theory on this was she wanted me to push her out. After she left she saw a L (and knew I was ready with D papers) why has nothing come out of that in over a month?

Did she get a L AFTER you did? Anything I say about this is speculation. I have no idea why. She hasn't pursued anythig with Lawyer, as far as you know, doesn't mean nothing is happening, however...if she really isn't doing anything with lawyer, I'm going with my irreversible comment from above.

- Now that she's moved out, why is she still keeping our separation quiet? She is I believe still wearing not just her wedding band but also her engagement diamond, eternity band and family ring. I've not had confirmation on that since shortly after she left though. She certainly hasn't for example updated her "relationship status" and when talking to my barber she clearly identified herself as AndrewP's wife - which she would have done pre-BD - when it was completely un-necessary to make that connection.

I'd see this as a sign of hope Andrew. I mean if she was done? She'd be done right? No rings, telling everyone about it. I'd look at this as one of those crumbs you want.

- Why has she not cut me or my family off from her Facebook account? A couple of mouse-clicks and no more in-laws or husband information showing her what she's leaving behind.

See above.

- On the other side why have her relatives who know about the A not cut me off either? Some of them "really" don't like me.

As for the in-laws? Who cares, if they hate you why haven't YOU cut them off? Or is this a keep your enemies close type of thing...maybe they are doing it for the same reasons you are...appearances, mayhaps?

- Not a question but on my side I have asked everyone who knows (and W knows that they know) to act as if everything is normal on Facebook but to leave her alone. I don't want her to feel that we're "throwing her out".

Not a bad idea.

- Up to June 4th she would see OM quite regularly and on that day "something" happened that made her very angry. After that I actually thought the A was over because she never "seemed" to be taking opportunities to be with OM. Why not? It would have been so easy for her to do? She was still seeing him but there were no further overnight visits nor her long "walks" which were her prior cover story.

Is this the same OM who still wants to be married to his wife or am I confusing this douchenozzle with another poster's OM?
Who knows why, lets just take this as a good sign ok?

- Even now that she's moved out originally I was still somewhat monitoring her movements and she seemed to rarely take obvious advantage of chances to be with OM. It's almost as if they're just dating.

Stop, monitoring her...
Yeah I know, its hard and you'll have like a crap ton of 'good and excellent' reasons why you think its a great idea...
It isn't. You haven't looking at a vehicle tracking device yet have you...you did...didn't you. Ok don't get it.

- Why is OM - who according to W on BD2 was infatuated with her and very very serious not being more open about the A and introducing her to his kids etc. My mind-reading tells me that this hasn't happened because W in talking about OM's son (who works for the family business delivering to her store) has a definite line between the two (long story about why I believe this). Speculation and mind-reading tells me that she has told him to keep it secret too.

You live in a small village right?
You are going to go crazy trying to figure out why she does what she does, your going to crazy faster trying to figure out why he does what he does. Here are the facts, he slept with you wife. Why? I don't know. Maybe they were talking about circuses and felt a connection since they both love circuses and then one thing just lead to another and suddenly the story about seeing the monkeys having sex just sort of broke open the love dam. That wasn't a 2x4, that was an attempt at being funny. It's impossible to answer that question.

- When W left the house was systematically stripped of things of value (I believe much of that to be her brother's doing) and of stuff that W actually needed. It was done in a great hurry by someone who isn't organized at the best of times. The day after she left she did come back on my suggestion for waffles and the toaster (I don't use them). But she's not come back for anything else. It would be easy - she knows my schedule and I'm not there much of the time. There are things that she's surely felt the lack of as well as important papers she would need for a L and she has now seen that I've packed up a lot of her stuff and put it in the enclosed front porch.

I sort of just dropped off her shite at her apartment...boy did that pi55 her off!
Change, some of it she wants some of it she doesn't. Maybe she wants a new start? Maybe she hopes to come back.
Take some of these questions as 'good' signs ok? Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But right now you don't know...so in order to help you with your goals...good signs, until proven otherwise...PROVEN OTHERWISE, not thought about otherwise.

- W told me that she would continue to be part of the family finances and deposit her pay into our joint bank account but hasn't - no big shock there. But she also has "never" spent any money out of that account to support her A activities or set up her new life even though she knows that there are saving set aside for emergencies and vacation that she could use without hurting me at all. The amount of her pocket money that must have gone to pay for gas is staggering.

See above.

- Trivial perhaps but a couple of days ago "someone" who could only have been W came to the house and watered the flower beds but didn't go inside. Mind-reading tells me that it was a false start of some sort.

You posted that it could have been the neighbors originally but why?

If it was her doing nice things, that is cool. You could simply post on FB, came home the other day and someone watered my flowers, that was really nice.

OMG I can't believe I suggested that...why not, if she bites she bites if she doesn't...you're no worse off.

- A bit over a week ago I noticed on Facebook that it appeared that one of W's friends had outed her about OM - she hadn't. I texted W brusquely about this for clarification before I over-reacted and rather than ignoring it, telling me to go to hell etc immediately went into overdrive on damage control. Her response text to me also indicated that she felt that only people that I had told and identified to her knew about the A and no-one else (which is not true). But again it implies that she is keeping a tight lid on the A and OM.

Was that a question?

- When we talked and she told me she was moving out she was horrified first that I already had the D papers filled out and even more horrified that they listed adultery as the grounds. She expressed a lot of concern that it would then be public knowledge that she had cheated.

Wouldn't you if the shoe was on the other foot? And before you say I never would...no you wouldn't but try wearing her shoes sometimes.

- One theory that I have is that W might feel that if she "runs out the clock" for 1 year that she can get a no-fault divorce and her A would still be a "secret". If that were the case though she would have made the separation public already, been happy when the date I gave her from my L was BD2 and not move-out day and started openly seeing OM.

Good sign.

So - what my mind-reading, over-analysis and speculation boils down to is that W is stuck in something she never intended, not committed to the A, not really committed to leaving and having no clue as to what she should do now. In my heart I yearn to reach out to her and let her know that she can come back and be welcome but that's the wrong thing for me to do so I don't.

Sort of like she is confused and doesn't know what to do or how to get out of it.

Yeah...

Confusion MLC watchword.

[ericmsant2]

this is the script where you come out of this better not bitter. : ) I forget which dork uses that as his signature line. ; )

He would not happen to be a pink tutu wearing Rican would he?

OM is in no way an exciting boy toy with a lavish lifestyle. Although he is somewhat better off than we are it's not by a large order of magnitude so she's not after him for excitement or money[/quote}
I suspect that she may not even fully understand why she is after him. That said, separate yourself from this for a second…. Do YOU want to be full of excitement? What or rather who do YOU want to be? Are you okay with who YOU are right now? If not, then what changes do you really want to make for YOU. {Note: you may have already answered this in a previous thread, if so, I apologize for asking the question again)
[quote]What they mostly boil down to is that W appears to be acting remorseful and guilty and terrified and not at all committed to OM or leaving. To me it seems much more extreme than just callously keeping me as a Plan B that she hasn't cut me free.

Have you considered that maybe she is trying to deal with a life crisis and the crazy feelings that she may be experiencing. I know that when I was dealing with my sitch I thought my ex was plain out nasty, vile, and vicious. As I started to step away from the emotional rollercoaster that is living with an MLCer. I started being able to look outside of MY pain and sympathize with what SHE must have gone through. As hard as it may be sometime…..when you can step out of your own pain, when you can stop staring at what you perceive she is doing to YOU…..you can then see things a bit differently.

- After W told me she was leaving and both before and after I discovered her A I gave her multiple opportunities to leave even suggesting that we cancel an insurance policy on me that would not be necessary if she left to provide her with seed money. She was horrified and pushed aggressively against that or any other step I suggested that was irreversible. On the other hand even after BD1 she was talking about bringing tradesmen in to work on the house and getting our wills updated (which I put a stop to because she had said she was leaving).

Funny….right after bomb drop my ex asked if we should remodel the bathrooms. Look dude, chances are that she is confused and not in her right mind.

- Why did W play the martyr moving herself out of the MBR after BD2 making her life complex and painful when she could have done whatever she wanted and easily manipulated me. She knows she can do this and has before to get what she wants. This follows none of the scripts as I understand them. A trivial example of martyrdom was her toothbrush. We have 2 bathrooms one in the MBR and one downstairs. Every evening for 4 months W would timidly knock on the MBR door and ask if it was OK for her to go through to clean her teeth. She would then (generally) walk through looking straight ahead, do her thing and then leave either looking straight ahead or away from me. Usually she would politely return my good-nights. On rare occasions she would engage me in conversation and be cheerful but that was maybe just an "up" day.

Honestly, who knows why she did this. Maybe it was to keep the peace. Maybe because she wanted to make you feel guilty.
Consider this….
You are about to fight Jack in a boxing match. Jack is a large man. He was Heavy Weight Champion on the world. You are very scared. Your emotions are all over the place. You want to “win”…do you….
a. Come out swinging knowing that you may get knocked out OR
b. Do you turnaround and when Jack turns….catch him with a left hook that he did not see coming.

- W never showed any anger at me or blamed me for anything even when she was at a phase where she was so very proud and scornful. Even when she really tried she could come up with no answer on why she wanted out of the marriage other than that she didn't want us to end up like her parents, old and bickering at each other all the time. Again - not to any script out there that I've seen. 27 years is a lot of history that could be re-written.

Maybe she never felt heard in the M and that is why she is not blaming you. Personally, I would bet that at some point you will get the rewriting of history. I have not seen a scenario where this does not happen. Are you listening to her when she speaks?

- After BD2 when the A was discovered W became progressively more honest and transparent with me with regards to her movements etc around any of the times that I could have expected to see her even WRT to OM which she knew caused me great pain and seemed to pain her too.

She is showing YOU what she wants you to see. Trust me…what she does not want you to know YOU will not know. Oh….and do yourself a favor do not go looking, searching or snooping.

- Why did W wait for months and months before getting a proper meeting with a L and only did so after she moved out? She did initially push me to see one saying that she already had (was free county general advice). My theory on this was she wanted me to push her out. After she left she saw a L (and knew I was ready with D papers) why has nothing come out of that in over a month?

1) How do you know that she did not meet with a L without your knowledge. Mine did and denied it.
2) The legal process of a divorce is just that a LEGAL process. Attny will advice clients based on their legal strategy. Maybe just maybe that was the advice she received from an atty.

- Now that she's moved out, why is she still keeping our separation quiet? She is I believe still wearing not just her wedding band but also her engagement diamond, eternity band and family ring. I've not had confirmation on that since shortly after she left though. She certainly hasn't for example updated her "relationship status" and when talking to my barber she clearly identified herself as AndrewP's wife - which she would have done pre-BD - when it was completely un-necessary to make that connection.

Mine kept her’s on for a while and did not change her relationship status until several months AFTER we divorced. Some MLCers want to maintain the appearance that everything is fine. It is part of the mask they wear.

- Why has she not cut me or my family off from her Facebook account? A couple of mouse-clicks and no more in-laws or husband information showing her what she's leaving behind.

Why should she? Does she post pics of OM? Does she post pics with him and her on vaca? She probably has no need to. At the same time…stop for a second and consider the confusion that this is causing in YOU. MLCers LOVE to create confusion.

- On the other side why have her relatives who know about the A not cut me off either? Some of them "really" don't like me.

It could be imagine, it could be for any children that are involved. It could be at her request…in part to keep you confused.

- Up to June 4th she would see OM quite regularly and on that day "something" happened that made her very angry. After that I actually thought the A was over because she never "seemed" to be taking opportunities to be with OM. Why not? It would have been so easy for her to do? She was still seeing him but there were no further overnight visits nor her long "walks" which were her prior cover story.

Maybe at the advice of her atty. Maybe he was busy. Who knows.
My ex did the same. It appeared as though the R was over…but really it was not. They just both decided to keep it a bit more low key. Can you guess what this resulted in? Answer: more confusion.

- Why is OM - who according to W on BD2 was infatuated with her and very very serious not being more open about the A and introducing her to his kids etc. My mind-reading tells me that this hasn't happened because W in talking about OM's son (who works for the family business delivering to her store) has a definite line between the two (long story about why I believe this). Speculation and mind-reading tells me that she has told him to keep it secret too.

I’ll play your wife here….

Option 1 – Flaunt the A to everyone including the kids and be known as the homewreaker and cheater
Or
Option 2 – Keep it quiet and slowly make it public once the D is final.

Ummmm….I’ll take option 2 please.

- When W left the house was systematically stripped of things of value (I believe much of that to be her brother's doing) and of stuff that W actually needed. It was done in a great hurry by someone who isn't organized at the best of times. The day after she left she did come back on my suggestion for waffles and the toaster (I don't use them). But she's not come back for anything else. It would be easy - she knows my schedule and I'm not there much of the time. There are things that she's surely felt the lack of as well as important papers she would need for a L and she has now seen that I've packed up a lot of her stuff and put it in the enclosed front porch.

Maybe she is too busy living her life. Maybe she wants to start a new life with no memories of the old one.

- W told me that she would continue to be part of the family finances and deposit her pay into our joint bank account but hasn't - no big shock there. But she also has "never" spent any money out of that account to support her A activities or set up her new life even though she knows that there are saving set aside for emergencies and vacation that she could use without hurting me at all. The amount of her pocket money that must have gone to pay for gas is staggering.

This could very well be a legal move. In my state, you do not want to “change” financial practices i.e. what you deposit into a joint bill paying account, until after a settlement is reached.

- Trivial perhaps but a couple of days ago "someone" who could only have been W came to the house and watered the flower beds but didn't go inside. Mind-reading tells me that it was a false start of some sort.

Probably not but I suspect YOU really want it to be a false start.

- When we talked and she told me she was moving out she was horrified first that I already had the D papers filled out and even more horrified that they listed adultery as the grounds. She expressed a lot of concern that it would then be public knowledge that she had cheated.

Could be another legal move OR could be her trying to maintain her imagine. Think about it…who the heck want to it to be public record that they cheated.

You have asked for no 2x4’s – I can respect that.

Reading your post it appears that you are still in the “look and over analyze everything” stage. I get it. It is normal. Here are few bullets that I would like to think about….

1) This too shall pass
2) At the end of the day, believe it or not YOU and YOU alone determine when your connection with her ends. Not her.
3) This journey is about YOU – not HER.
4) Detachment is really YOUR friend
5) You can go through this and end up BITTER or BETTER – the choice is YOURS
6) FEAR has a tendency to hold us back…to keep a person stuck. Facing YOUR fear is the best thing you can do.
7) Figure out what it is that YOU really want. Not what you FEAR. NOT what is easy. Nope – what YOU want.
8) TIME is really YOUR friend. Use it wisely.
9) Allowing someone to live their choices – is love.
10) You can play the victim or you can cannot – YOU choose. Just remember, you are a victim if YOU CHOOSE to be.
11) Actions speak louder than words.

I do not post much these days….most of the vets on here know how to reach me…so if you need me, just ask someone to get a hold of me.

Peace brother!

[AJM]

Why hasn't OM given up and moved on? This has got to be tough on him too

Wrong question. Why did that 'douchenozzle' as Jack so eloquently put it (Hi Jack!) sleep with another man's wife in the first place? And now you want to apply logic to his actions? C'mon - that's going to drive you crazy. Besides, he's nobody to care about. He's a troubled individual to begin with and nothing but a bug on the windshield.

BD1 was somewhat accidental. W got very drunk on vacation and told me she was leaving. She was very serious and the words seemed rehearsed but she didn't remember doing it later and was horrified two days later when I asked for confirmation. I believe that she might have delayed telling me she was leaving indefinitely otherwise.

Yep, goes with the script. They rehearse the words, plan the day, hour, minute, weather, what they'll wear, etc... It's tough for them to throw all those years and dreams away. Don't kid yourself. It takes a lot of effort even if on the outside we wonder why go to all that trouble...

Having been in your shoes at one point (haven't we all on this board?) I can tell you Jack gave you great advice in not wondering why, not discerning the tea leaves, and not jumping to conclusions. This journey is not just about her. YOU matter too and you have to figure out how you're going to handle the inevitable emotional fall out you'll face yourself. The road you're walking is not an easy one, my friend. And the emotions will come in waves. Are you preparing for that? If so, how?

AJ

[HaWho]

Hi Andrew - it looks like your questions have already been answered and answered with great time and consideration!

However, I feel I can speak a bit about the confusion you are witnessing in your w. I believe you are the one who mentioned that your situation seems unlike the others that are present here in MLC? However, I see some similarities between your sitch and mine.

Like you, I was bombed twice as well. And my h was VERY keen on keeping up appearances. He wanted to get an apartment, 'live life' and find women who looked at him 'meaningfully.' He categorically told me he was seeking women who would look at him 'meaningfully.' This was his reason for ending the marriage. When I asked if he planned to introduce our children to said woman/women he gave a resounding 'no.' So I asked how 'meaningful' is this relationship, then? And how can any woman of quality carry on with a married man and look at him meaningfully? He had no answers. He was so confused. Some of what he said he did not recall saying days later.

Oh, and in this grand plan he would still be home every night for dinner! Talk about keeping up appearances!! On Saturdays he would sleep around at the apartment and return before the kids awoke. One of my kids is old enough now that he sometimes is up 'til midnight and yet my h seemed to think no one would be curious about all this?!? He was crazy!!!

After BD2 I took my rings off. He saw it and told me we should not remove rings. He insisted we wear rings.

There are sooooooo many weird things I have seen. I am only picking the cream of the crop. One more thing: on Easter 2015 my h reminded me he was "done with me" via text from the downstairs bedroom he had recreated into his childhood bedroom. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. 20 minutes later? He emerged and cheerfully asked if I wanted a glass of wine. I literally started researching brain tumors that night.

He has on many occasions said the bond with me was strong and yet voiced tremendous confliction.

My point? There are MLCers keen on keeping up appearances. I have one! It seems to be a rarity, but it's possible. Anything is fair game in MLC.

Whatever logic there is to this, is within her and the criss crossed wires of her brain.

Last thing. DIfferent ages appear in MLC, right? You can see your spouse emerge as a teen, flashes of a child and even a young, young girl! I have seen my h as a little boy on several occasions. A few weeks ago, at dinner, he smushed down his mashed potatoes and drew in a face with his fork. He is 47. So that person who passed into the bedroom, meekly, to brush her teeth? That could have been a little girl. Sometimes what you are seeing is her in another time of her life. (By the way, prior to this happening to me I would not have been the sort to believe in MLC. I would have thought it was just a 'label' giving people an excuse to behave poorly.)

However, with the oddities, it's best to note it, scratch your head, maybe post it here for others to learn from (people are ALWAYS looking for similar sitches) but always then focus on making you the best version of yourself. She's a footnote you are the plot.

Welcome to the place you never wanted to be. You are amongst a great group of supportive people.

[AndrewP]

Thank you Jack, eric and AJM for your responses. I hope it's readable but here are my answers to your own questions. Now to get my lunch made for tomorrow when I'll also be having dinner with S22 and not talking about W or telling sad stories about how I'm struggling

This is making me feel better than I have in a long while - not because I have "answers" or a "plan to reunite" but because I've heard from people who care and who were kind enough to take their own time to give back to me.

A crappy reason not to be married is usually in the script. If not exactly the same in all cases. Are you sure she hasn't rewritten anything? I find that odd even without MLC, everyone remembers events very differently.

I can't be sure of anything especially what she was telling others but the blame wagon never came to call here.

Did she get a L AFTER you did? Anything I say about this is speculation. I have no idea why. She hasn't pursued anythig with Lawyer, as far as you know, doesn't mean nothing is happening, however...if she really isn't doing anything with lawyer, I'm going with my irreversible comment from above.

Right after BD2 she told me that she had already seen a L and that she had an appt to see them again. She appeared shocked when I pointed out to her that she needed to disclose the A to the L. Because of this and other advice I found the best L I could and met with them in early June. W knew a couple of days later when the cheque cleared and responded "good". On the pre-moveout night a month later she admitted that the L she had seen was just some sort of free County resource and not an actual L. She said then that she had an app with a real L the next week.

why haven't YOU cut them off? Or is this a keep your enemies close type of thing...maybe they are doing it for the same reasons you are...appearances, mayhaps?

Absolutely to both.

Is this the same OM who still wants to be married to his wife or am I confusing this douchenozzle with another poster's OM?

No - this douchenozzle lost his W to brain cancer about a year before he started chasing after my W.

Stop, monitoring her...

Got whacked with the 2X4s, did that, got whacked a few more times for good measure.

You live in a small village right? You are going to go crazy trying to figure out why she does what she does, your going to crazy faster trying to figure out why he does what he does. Here are the facts, he slept with you wife. Why? I don't know. Maybe they were talking about circuses and felt a connection since they both love circuses and then one thing just lead to another and suddenly the story about seeing the monkeys having sex just sort of broke open the love dam. That wasn't a 2x4, that was an attempt at being funny.

He lives in a larger centre about an hour away from here and there would be little or no social stigma to showing up with a new flame on his arm. Oh - and I did LOL

You could simply post on FB, came home the other day and someone watered my flowers, that was really nice.

OMG I can't believe I suggested that...why not, if she bites she bites if she doesn't...you're no worse off.

Yeah - I'm not about to bait that bear even it if might not bite.

try wearing her shoes sometimes.

She did leave a couple of pairs ....

Are you okay with who YOU are right now? If not, then what changes do you really want to make for YOU. {Note: you may have already answered this in a previous thread, if so, I apologize for asking the question again)

It hasn't been asked in quite this way. Yes - I'm proud of who I am and the man I'm becoming is just a more confident version of that same man.

Have you considered that maybe she is trying to deal with a life crisis and the crazy feelings that she may be experiencing.

Absolutely - that's why I'm so very worried about her both now and "if" she comes back and the real work starts.

Maybe she never felt heard in the M and that is why she is not blaming you. Personally, I would bet that at some point you will get the rewriting of history. I have not seen a scenario where this does not happen. Are you listening to her when she speaks?

Communication was always a huge issue for us. Any time over the years and even after BD I tried to talk about "us" or some of the problems I personally was having (mild seasonal depression) she would loudly and agressively change the subject. One of the things we'll have to figure out how to change "if" given the chance.

1) How do you know that she did not meet with a L without your knowledge. Mine did and denied it.
2) The legal process of a divorce is just that a LEGAL process. Attny will advice clients based on their legal strategy. Maybe just maybe that was the advice she received from an atty.

Possible but really doubtful. She was so massively unprepared and shocked with the information I had on move-out day.

Maybe at the advice of her atty. Maybe he was busy. Who knows.
My ex did the same. It appeared as though the R was over…but really it was not. They just both decided to keep it a bit more low key. Can you guess what this resulted in? Answer: more confusion.

Possibly right on any or all counts. Doesn't matter at the end of the day

This could very well be a legal move. In my state, you do not want to “change” financial practices i.e. what you deposit into a joint bill paying account, until after a settlement is reached.

She stopped both depositing and spending after she moved out. My L suggested keeping everything going as normal.

Reading your post it appears that you are still in the “look and over analyze everything” stage. I get it. It is normal. Here are few bullets that I would like to think about….

1) This too shall pass
2) At the end of the day, believe it or not YOU and YOU alone determine when your connection with her ends. Not her.
3) This journey is about YOU – not HER.
4) Detachment is really YOUR friend
5) You can go through this and end up BITTER or BETTER – the choice is YOURS
6) FEAR has a tendency to hold us back…to keep a person stuck. Facing YOUR fear is the best thing you can do.
7) Figure out what it is that YOU really want. Not what you FEAR. NOT what is easy. Nope – what YOU want.
8) TIME is really YOUR friend. Use it wisely.
9) Allowing someone to live their choices – is love.
10) You can play the victim or you can cannot – YOU choose. Just remember, you are a victim if YOU CHOOSE to be.
11) Actions speak louder than words.

I do not post much these days….most of the vets on here know how to reach me…so if you need me, just ask someone to get a hold of me.

Peace brother!

Thanks so much. I think I'm almost past the "over analyze everything" bit but was given the chance to have one last fling at it.

They rehearse the words, plan the day, hour, minute, weather, what they'll wear, etc... It's tough for them to throw all those years and dreams away. Don't kid yourself. It takes a lot of effort even if on the outside we wonder why go to all that trouble...

Having been in your shoes at one point (haven't we all on this board?) I can tell you Jack gave you great advice in not wondering why, not discerning the tea leaves, and not jumping to conclusions. This journey is not just about her. YOU matter too and you have to figure out how you're going to handle the inevitable emotional fall out you'll face yourself. The road you're walking is not an easy one, my friend. And the emotions will come in waves. Are you preparing for that? If so, how?

Just trying to do the best I can. This place is a great comfort because I can also help others here too and be helped in turn. My IC is making some progress on me too and getting out and about is helping too.

[AndrewP]

I literally started researching brain tumors that night.

I hope you don't mind but I had a big LOL on that one.

focus on making you the best version of yourself. She's a footnote you are the plot.

Welcome to the place you never wanted to be. You are amongst a great group of supportive people.

Absolutely. I'm doing my best as a newcomer to give back as well and am grateful for people like you and others who have helped me on my own path out of the fog.