Hello everyone. I thought I'd pop over here from the Newcomer's board for possibly a short thread. If you are really really bored here are my threads from over there
On BD1 I had presumed that my W was suffering from a MLC. For a couple of years prior she had become more and more depressed (or so it seemed) and was certainly suffering all of the expected peri-menopause symptoms. Her Dr recommended that she take hormones but she refused (she doesn't like the Dr). She suffered greatly from night sweats and her sleep got worse (I would joke that she was revolving not sleeping) and would have memory losses and a lot of anger. At the same time along with the kids moving out her parents became very ill and needed to move into a nursing home. Both parents nearly died multiple times. Because of the timing my W ended up moving in with her mother for a time and serving as a personal support worker attending to her daily needs. A lot of anger and resentment built up between her, her parents and her siblings.
There was childhood sexual abuse by an uncle which the family ignored. Her childhood was fairly unhappy with a lot of stress and tension in the house caused at least in part by her father being very wayward. As a teenager and young woman she was very rebellious and engaged in some very unsafe practices including at one point being OW in a relationship.
At home I did my best to be supportive of W and would listen to her rage and vent about the people she worked with and her relatives. None of this would be directed at me. I was concerned because W loved her job - in some ways almost more than family. I myself went through a rough patch last summer and W was very supportive but I don't think noticed when it passed as I more actively worked on my hunt for a new position. W herself seemed to progressively get more and more overwhelmed by day to day life and frustrated with things like youth volunteering that was a big part of her self-identity earlier.
Around the same time (2 years ago) W started hanging out with younger and more "party friendly" people occasionally drinking to excess. I encouraged her in this as I thought that it would help her be less depressed. She also started a diet and exercise (walking) routine. The walking routine eventually became the cover story for meeting with OM.
OM was an older widower who (IMO) was pursuing W that she met through work. I even warned her about it but she told me he was "safe". They would often have lunch or drinks after work. Since I worked long hours this probably happened more often than I was aware. Some time in the early new year W (I believe) fell in love with OM and this was quickly consummated. Her stress level increased. Her forgetfulness was getting worse as was her ability to perform her regular household duties. Oddly, she started putting a bit more effort into our sex life perhaps because my impotence started becoming a bit worse due to my weight and drinking. OM was very needy and would call/text often and they would have long phone calls. I believe that for their encounters though that W would drive from our area 1 hour to where OM lived - perhaps to help keep it secret.
After the A started W became even more depressed and her alcohol consumption increased dramatically. At no time though even though she had a lot of anger issues did she ever direct that anger at me. She told me numerous times that she wasn't good enough for me and that I should find someone else which I just put down to depression and tried to reassure her that there was no one else I wanted. She also told me a few times that she felt that because of me that she was a better person than she would naturally have been because I had such high standards for behaviour. It would be part of the daily spew to vent about her co-workers and her family but never me. Later she told me that she wasn't depressed in this phase but rather sad. There was a certain amount of disrespect aimed my way but it was minimal. On vacation she got very drunk several times and told me that she was leaving and that there was nothing I could do about it and that I needed to find someone else and that she didn't deserve me and wasn't good enough for me.
The next month was the beginning of h@ll for both of us. I did all the expected begging and pleading and trying to find out what I had done wrong. W spent more and more time out - often drinking with "friends" and often with (I presume) OM. Our sex life continued more or less as normal.
BD2 came when I discovered OM and confronted W. She admitted to it and was terrified. The next day I sat and talked with W to lay out ground rules but assured her that I wanted her back. I gave her enough time to talk to OM first but she said he "wasn't available". We then moved on to the next level of h@ll for both of us. W seemed to be in fear a lot of the time with swings of confidence and cockiness. She moved out of the MBR of her own free will (I asked her to come back at first) and began a life of extreme discomfort. Around this time I also found this forum. She would also, especially after an encounter with OM make extra effort to do something nice for me such as make me what she thought was my favourite meal. Originally she was extremely angry (not directed at me in any fashion) but over time we would settle into interacting "normally". She also worked very hard on being open and honest about her movements. I treated her with respect and courtesy and while not enabling her waywardness and was very obvious in my anger and views on it, did not try to argue or plead and worked on detaching and building myself. I would make efforts to be reliable like I always was and listen when she was there to her spew about her day. OM was never a topic.
W would also talk about moving out and started making small moves towards that like carrying all her personal papers with her everywhere and sneaking small items and boxes into her room. I even made efforts to enable her to move out but did say that I didn't want her to. Numerous emotional crisis came and went for W - some very very bad to the point where I was concerned she would self harm.
After several months of this she did finally move out saying that she needed to get away from the "noise". She now lives by herself with her dog (which I offered to look after - he's a PITA) in a house at the edge of the village. I know that OM has visited her there so that is still ongoing. I am doing my best to GAL, move on and be dark. From what I've gathered W's emotional state continues to deteriorate and is pretty bad right now. I ache to reach out to her but do not. She does, I believe know that I will take her back if that is what she wants or let her go if she chooses that path. Despite living in a small village where everyone knows that she has moved out and I suspect that many know about OM she is adamant in keeping her A secret, still wears all of her rings and has made no move towards a S. She does know that if she chooses that path that I will file for D with infidelity as the grounds and that there will be no "being friends" afterwards.
Through this W (generally) has been very prudent with family resources and since she left has not taken a penny to support herself although she is now depositing her pay in her private account. When the house was stripped she did her best I think to ensure my comfort and to not be "unfair".
My big question here and why I came to this board from Newcomers is that I've been treating my W as a WW as much as I can (pretty emotionally tied to her for the harder tactics). I've let her go, I've gone dark and am working on moving on alone. I've not made any efforts to find a new R or adjust my lifestyle but am just slowly moving W's remaining belongings out to the front porch where they sit. While on one hand W has made efforts to hide from me by not giving me or our children a forwarding address she isn't really hiding because she has a unique vehicle that is parked obviously beside the house she is in. She (I believe) has disconnected from many of her friends of her drinking days. She has kept her status and the existence of OM quiet and I think has only told most people that she has left and not about OM.
She had said that she is only able to stay where she is until the end of September. It would be easy for her to move in with OM although that would mean (probably) giving up her job but he is well off and they would live quite comfortably. He has 3 adult children and several grandchildren. I continue to wonder why she is being a martyr when she doesn't need to be. All through this she has pretty much "never" taken the easy and cake filled path. She did say before she left that she does still love me. I know that I am a better man and husband than I was a year ago as well.
I would "really" appreciate any thoughts on whether I should adjust anything in my path and "if" (I know not to ask when) there is a chance that I'll ever hold her in my arms again. In the mean-time I'll continue with the "plan" of staying dark, GAL, showing the world as happy of a face as is reasonable for a man whose wife has abandoned him, keeping quiet about what is going on and preparing to live as a single man.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks Cadet - fresh homework! - different than the standard newcomer I read months ago I hope I find some guidance in this.
Detaching has been in progress for some time - one day I may even figure out how to do it. N/C is only part of it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
WOW! My W hits pretty much all the boxes on the MLC signs and I do on the LBS stages. I especially resonate with some of the writing about how the LBS thinks and what other people say to/about them.
Crap - it looks like this might be a very long road - I really don't know if I'm strong enough. My SIL support army was pushing me really hard yesterday to give up - "this has gone on too long", "she doesn't deserve you" etc etc.
Lunch time's over - more reading later.
Thanks for the resources Cadet - any thoughts from others would be welcome too. I've now got to figure out if/how this bicycle works or if it is a toboggan.
Sigh.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just one question if anyone can help. I'll try to wait until tomorrow before acting on my own if there are no thoughts from experience MLC DBers.
My W posted what is essentially a "cry for help" on Facebook a couple of days ago which got minimal responses. Thinking of her as a WW I did not react at all and she had a few female friends respond. What I "really" wanted to do then and still want to do is to reach out to her privately and let her know that I am still here for her if she needs me.
Thoughts?
PS - Plan A is to do nothing and curse myself for not being all I can be for her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, It depends upon what type of help she's seeking. Is the help she's seeking something simple?
Also, it could be that she's testing you to see if you are looking at her FB page.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job - I've thought about the possibility of it being a trap which makes me cautious. Another post around the same time seemed to be targeted at me (food related) which I also ignored. Considering that she has only made 7 posts in almost 4 weeks as opposed to the 1 or 2 per day pre move-out anything she is posting I had been treating as significant.
Using those Facebook pictures you find all over the place on our anniversary she had posted a "I want to be strong but this is hard" type post which I ignored as did everyone else except 2 semi-random people (usually she'd have 40+ responses to something like that). This one was 3 days later (on Monday) and said I am a strong person but once in a while I would like someone to take my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Four friends have responded positively. The response I'd "like" to do would be to send this back to her as a private message with a note of the sort "If you need me I'm here for you - Love AndrewP"
What I'm hugely worried about is that she may well be going through a major crisis with little safety net. Her mental state was pretty shaky when she left and from what I've gathered her performance at the job she loves is going downhill since then and it had been getting rocky for quite some time before. OM can't to be counted on - he's proven that before. I want her to know that if she wants me that I am here for her and I am concerned about the possibility of self-harm or rash actions but I don't want to chase her farther away.
My window of opportunity to respond I suspect has expired though - it's been about 3 days.
From the crisis yesterday when it appeared that a friend of her's had outed her about the A (which I freaked at - sent her 3 very terse texts - false alarm - she immediately amended the post) she does know that I at least have some visibility on her feed.
At present I've "un-followed" her on Facebook about 3 weeks ago to reduce the mind-reading that was driving me very mad and am now almost 20 hours into not checking her page. My SIL have assured me that they will keep an eye on her and alert me if there seems to be any major developments - which was the price required to get me to back off.
It sort of goes around to how I should treat her differently if she is in a MLC - I've been working all along on being a "lighthouse" and know that she can see me GAL and taking care of things. I'm dark to her and she has not reached out to me at all. I believe that she does clearly know that I still love her and am waiting for her to make a choice between OM / me / or another path which she said she was moving out to do. I occasionally play with the idea of letting her thing that I'm exploring a new R but that's playing with fire and gasoline.
Please help me know which way I should go.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It sort of goes around to how I should treat her differently if she is in a MLC - I've been working all along on being a "lighthouse" and know that she can see me GAL and taking care of things. I'm dark to her and she has not reached out to me at all.
Please help me know which way I should go.
Treat her the same way as a WAS, your actions are no different because she is in MLC.
I hope I find some guidance in this.