And now we wait

[AndrewP]

ForGump - Thanks for stopping by. Actually social media is a great comfort to me. Through it I can know that I am liked and even loved by others. I can satisfy my need to share myself with the world even though otherwise I have a somewhat isolated lifestyle. In the early days of the internet I was a frequent blogger. I'm grateful for the outlet of this forum to give me a place to write about issues that are otherwise very private. I wish SO MUCH that I could publish this publicly but that would do far too much harm to WW. I regularly fight the temptation. Without it I would feel very isolated. With a 14 hour work day and a busy list of errands and maintenance on the weekends I have little time to be out and about in the community. Something I am hoping to change with a new job. With my children living far away and few local friends daily social interaction is necessarily done online.

I think that you are more concerned about my awareness of W on social media. I did un-follow her so only get a small amount of activity from her. Previously as you know it was indeed driving me even more mad than I am now as I would see ALL the items that she reacted to and over-analyze. I'm reluctant to cut that off though because - well because.

Your next question is far more interesting and is one that I have actually been guiltily giving thought to. I don't presently have any acquaintances (people I know fairly well) who I would consider "dating material" but do confess that I have occasionally thought about people I have met and know as potential new interests. For the people I know who might be compatible they are either currently in a relationship, there is too much of an age difference (I've no interest in cradle robbing), or are unavailable for other reasons such as geography, lifestyle etc. I know for myself that I am in no way ready - or so I believe. Colleagues from work I consider off-limits as I keep a very careful line between work and personal. One thing I worry a lot about is being "caught on the rebound" by someone not suitable and for whom I am not ready.

So - what would be suitable. Setting aside my idealized WW, I would be attracted to a mature lady with a broad sense of fun. They would need to be well read in terms of both literature and world events and able to talk on any number of subjects. I'm not looking for a "debater" but just someone who has their own well founded opinions which don't have to match mine. Caring, kind and thoughtful are also important along with a strong sense of self. I'm a very affectionate person so being comfortable with their own bodies and in being touched and held is in there too. Reliable with high moral standards are important. Moving down the list of priorities being feminine is attractive to me so good grooming and an interest in looking their best whatever that might be. Size, shape, colour and (to a degree) age aren't significant factors.

On the other hand, I do know that everyone comes with their own sets of baggage and so I need to be aware that a person comes as a package along with perhaps children, ex spouses and related family as do I.

BTW - I think my SIL support team is already lining up names

[lt0402]

I think that you are more concerned about my awareness of W on social media. I did un-follow her so only get a small amount of activity from her. Previously as you know it was indeed driving me even more mad than I am now as I would see ALL the items that she reacted to and over-analyze. I'm reluctant to cut that off though because - well because.

Rip that bandaid off AP! I understand it's hard to fully remove yourself, but I'd imagine it'd help w/ the detachment process, though the first few days may be tough. I think I was lucky in that the W made that decision for me and cut me off completely on FB at the start of this thing. I would probably be in the same spot as you if she hadn't. W/ her having done it though, I find myself feeling better that I don't know what the hell she's doing on there.

Regardless though, you're making progress bud. Keep chugging along, and don't feel guilty about thinking through the dating stuff. If this doesn't work out, you'll need to face it at some point. Work on your GAL stuff in the meantime and the dating thing may come naturally out of that as well. Your SIL support network seems very invested in you too which is good to hear.

Here for you brother!

[AndrewP]

Another kick in the nuts. WW and OM had dinner with one of her friends who posted about "you know his name" on Facebook. I unfortunately reacted and sent her this message:

"I noticed [Friend] being less than discrete on Facebook. Do I need to stop hiding it too?

I don't WANT to be the one exposing you and having stood in the flames and mud this long don't want to feel that it has been a waste of my time.

Feeling very betrayed and pissed at the moment."

I can pull the trigger on this marriage this afternoon if that's what she wants. Waiting to see if she responds. I could blow this thing wide open "very" easily at the moment but I'm giving her the chance to put it back under cover.

[lt0402]

AP, take a deep breath and step away from the keyboard! Having been through this recently this can snowball into something you don't want.

This [censored] and is the reason you should bail on the FB attachment to W. Your response to her won't make her feel guilty, it'll probably only drive her further from you. It tells her that you are monitoring her and she still has you somewhat under her control. It can only unravel some of the work you've done.

Before you respond to anything else, I'd offer you post it on here for the vets to opine on. it'll give you a chance to cool down too.

Be strong brother, don't rip apart your hard work!!!

[AndrewP]

So WW texts me back claiming that it was a Jason Bourne movie that she went to see with [Friend]

Minor text exchange with W ensues:
AP - Perhaps a clarification would be in order. Your "secret" is known to several people and I won't be the only one to jump to this conclusion.
WW - Done. I'm aware of how many people know - as you listed them.
AP - People are pretty observant and you have told a few who are not on my list.
<transmission ends>

Back to my flaming mud hole now. I need to stop the shaking. Glad I'm working from my home office today.

Oh and WW and [Friend] both posted an excessively clear explanations - to the point where [Friend] almost wrote - "no it's not the guy your wife is sleeping with - honest". I'm strongly of the mind-set to not believe WW and that OM was there. I was going to write that it doesn't matter but yes it does. If WW were starting to be more open and showing off OM then she's picked her direction.

Interesting how she said that only the people I told know (I gave her a list when she moved out - story irrelevant and buried way back in my threads).

And the N/C clock resets once again - was at 14 days now at 14 minutes.

On one hand - this might be a good thing to have put a scare into her.

ForGump and doodler will at least have a lol on this.

[AndrewP]

Your response to her won't make her feel guilty

Thanks - I'll try harder. The goal wasn't to make her feel guilty - the goal was to see if I have been set free. Holding her secret is like standing in flaming mud up to my nose.

You know - I really don't know what "work I've done" right now. Still her in the mud. WW still doing her thing with OM. The pages on the calendar still flip.

That message though was like a deliberate slap in the n@ts. I'm sure that [friend] knows all about OM and presuming that the story is true - this could very well have been quite deliberate. She falls into the category of "fire-starter" IMO.

[MoveFrwd]

With a 14 hour work day and a busy list of errands and maintenance on the weekends I have little time to be out and about in the community.

I'm reluctant to cut that off though because - well because.

I get that you feel like you hve a lot to do and no time to get out there. But it's been almost 4 months since you joined this place and the closest thing to a GAL activity that Ive seen is you going out to play miniature golf by yourself. I understand that a 14 hour day leaves little time for external fun, but you had 9 work-free days and couldnt muster a single new thing. I dont know how to more strongly urge you to just TRY doing some things out of your comfort zone. Im certainly not about to say you havent done anything in this time, as I can see much growth personally, but at the same time, I keep waiting for you to do something new. Not for your wife, but for you. The amount of time you must have spent considering these FB posts and writing about it here and who knows where else is staggering. Think if those hours were spent going out to some kind of meetup. Im not saying you need to be a "Social Butterfly" and suddenly become an incredible extrovert. But if it's hiking, or biking, or bird watching, or yoga, or ironing....some kind of club to get you out of the house even once a week to meet even a few new people that you wont whittle away with your situation.

I notice in your statements above that you seem to understand what things you should do, but for whatever reason, you havent reached a point where you will actually do them. It's like you believe if you are a good boy long enough, that eventually, your W will pick you. Even the title of this thread suggests that! I may be reading things wrong, but thats how it comes across the page to me. I want so badly for you to go out and be able to take some focus off of all of this, as all you are doing is hurting yourself. You are in a cheeseless wing of the maze. Why do you want to keep running around coming up empty handed?

if everything went south and you really have to move on ... can you see yourself dating again? What type of a woman would you like to date? Would you seek any quality that your W does not have? Do you have any acquaintances currently that, just hypothetically, you'd be willing to date?

Frnakly, at this point, I dont see any value in going through this exercise. AP is still fighting to save this marriage...why does it matter if theres another hypothetical woman out there?

"I noticed [Friend] being less than discrete on Facebook. Do I need to stop hiding it too?

I don't WANT to be the one exposing you and having stood in the flames and mud this long don't want to feel that it has been a waste of my time.

Feeling very betrayed and pissed at the moment."

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So many thoughts.

1) Just unfriend or unfollow these people on Facebook. All you are doing is sticking needles into your eyeballs. YOU ARE HURTING ONLY YOURSELF reading these things. Why do you keep insisting on doing the same things?

2) What was the point of sending this message? What was your goal?

3) That second line - I totally get how you feel. Ive been there, in the war zone, dealing with all of the hurt and sadness and anger. But your W didnt ask you to do that. So what is the point in telling her? She's going to come back and say "yeah...youre wasting your time." She is in a relationship with another person - why do you think she wants to hear from you that you are waiting for her to choose you?

4) Same for the last line. What is it about THIS that makes you feel betrayed? You already knew about the affair. So them having secret, illicit sex is cool, but going out to dinner with your friend and seeing them post to FB is hurtful to you?

At this point, I suppose whats done is done. Going forward -
-- unfriend these people on FB.
-- start enforcing a 24 hour rule. No contact with W for 24 hours after seeing/reading/hearing something and THEN determine if theres still a reason.





In the end, Im really sorry if this reads like a 2x4. Thats really not my intention. I can see that you are hurting, and I am also hurting for you. I hate seeing people on here feeling down. I am posting my thoughts to you, because I believe them to be true. The actions I recommend, I do it, because they worked for me. Like you, Im a complete overanalyzer - the only way out was to give my mind something ELSE to work on. I GALed the [censored] out of life as a means to turn my brain off on the things I couldnt control. I cut off all non -essential communication with my ex, because I couldnt live any other way being strung along. I am hoping for the best for you, but until you can stop hurting yourself and start helping yourself, Im nervous that things wont get any better for you.

[lt0402]

Your response to her won't make her feel guilty

Thanks - I'll try harder. The goal wasn't to make her feel guilty - the goal was to see if I have been set free. Holding her secret is like standing in flaming mud up to my nose.

Ah, but the point is she shouldn't be the one to set you free AP. Only you can be the one to set yourself free via detachment. That involves somehow removing the angst of holding her secret. Easier said than done, but don't let her actions control you and your emotional well being. (I suck at this right now, by the way!)

You know - I really don't know what "work I've done" right now. Still her in the mud. WW still doing her thing with OM. The pages on the calendar still flip.

The work you've done is how you've improved yourself, your emotional well being, and also the 14 days of NC. Don't sell yourself short on the progress you've made, bc it's been hard earned and you should be proud of it. Definitely don't let her actions drag you back into that mud amigo!

Now turn this 14 minutes into another 14 days and then some. Let her move down her path while you more actively/constructively pursue your own path. You're a good guy and don't deserve the angst that these posts are putting on you. (p.s. cut off all the FB stuff w/ her! :))

That message though was like a deliberate slap in the n@ts. I'm sure that [friend] knows all about OM and presuming that the story is true - this could very well have been quite deliberate. She falls into the category of "fire-starter" IMO.

Yep, [censored] and it may be deliberate, but it's best to just ignore it. Don't give her the pleasure of knowing she started a fire. Once she realizes you won't respond to her taunts, she'll stop wasting her time.

Don't let any of this wear on you AP, just a bump in the road. I completely understand how huge some of this stuff seems when it hits. Best to put it in the rear view mirror and focus on grinding on.

[JRuss]

Just to come to AndrewP's defense a little bit, his W told him when she moved out that she was doing so to quiet "the noise" and see what she wanted to do (move forward with D or R). As part of that, they discussed both of them making a real effort to minimize the number of people who know about the infidelity, the sensible thinking being that the fewer who know, the fewer for whom a reconciled couple won't be "weird" or like there's an elephant in the room if they ever try to socialize.

When he saw W's friend posting, possibly about OM, AndrewP could reasonably assume that W was not living up to her end of the bargain (letting friend know and not at least swearing her to secrecy) and, even more significantly, that she doesn't care who knows, because she's made up her mind w/r/t the direction (toward D, life with OM, whatever). Which, if his W wasn't so self-absorbed, he would have found out first, from her, instead of reading it on social media.

Now, DB principles correctly applied would not have resulted in AndrewP's e-mail to W. But I can why see he wrote it. Maybe that warrants loving 2X4s, but, man, I feel like I'd want to burn her new house down, so a passive aggressive instant message doesn't seem all that terrible from where I sit.

[lt0402]

Good points JR! I'm equally as guilty of the passive-aggressive texts, and for a much less worthwhile reason. I worry though that AP is causing himself unneeded pain by keeping the FB connection w/ the W. Removing that connection removes her ability to control his emotions, which she now knows she can do.

I do get it though. I'm guilty of the same thing recently and it's tough to resist it. Putting the loving 2x4 away!

AP, still want you to remove the FB link to her though!