More confused than before

[Buxom]

New thread... concert last night was dampened by WH becoming silently angry and when I tried to validate, he bit my head off and told me to leave him alone. I said ok with a tone I wish was better controlled but I think it sounded frustrated. I tried to avoid him this morning but he started by saying good morning and sharing part of his days plans. He apologized for shutting down last night, I validated and asked if he can tell me what was so frustrating. He said no, it wasn't me or the kids, just some drama from AA and work getting to him. Maybe but I really don't believe it all. THEN, he apologized again and said, "I know I'm unpredictable right now, love. I'm sorry. " I responded by saying I hope you can share your struggles today soon. We will see. I'm glad I did try to confront last night and still nor sure if I even should?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2697144&page=1

Old thread above.

[Buxom]

What might it mean that he is apologizing and recognizing his unpredictability? He's made other comments this week regarding feeling torn and so up and down. It shows on his face too. He's complaining about drama at work and AA before and now again. Then his self soothing is eating and his freaking phone! Hate it. It's his work phone too.

Anyway this is more about me. Detaching is variable on the day. Been worse since my accident as I feel like I just wanna be held and I'm not getting it. I'm stuff and sore and bruised and a bit more depressed not being g able to exercise or sleep well because of pain. The worst spot is the bruise on the sternum. Hurts to breath laying down.

Sorry, full of complaints today. Who has the magic wand? I think I need it back. Lol

[AndrewP]

Be patient Buxom. He "is" processing a lot of stuff and will need a lot of space and patience to get through it. He probably isn't able to explain it in any reasonable fashion and for heaven's sake "don't" try to help him fix it.

At the beginning, how did you try to validate? My W never had the knack even though she thinks she's a pro. She was though a superb listener and would retain and think about what she heard. I just especially in the last few years rarely got the chance to talk

Sometimes what we guys need is not someone who understands or who listens, but just someone who cares. Caring can be shown in a lot of ways that aren't words - even offering to go get him popcorn might have brightened him up, or a quick squeeze of the hand and a "thanks for being here" - just don't press things.

Hugs!

[Sotto]

Hi Buxom, I hope you don't mind me saying but this stuff with OW/OWs and your H has been happening for a number of years now looking at your signature. I don't think there is any need for you to tolerate behaviour that you find disrespectful. And if you want to call him on that and lay down a boundary I would say go for it.

What concerns me is your tolerance of a long-running situation and I want to ask whether your love for yourself has become somewhat buried in your wish to keep your M. I guess I would have less concern if you appeared more independent of your H, but from what you post, you sound quite enmeshed with him.

And just now, he's a guy who had a long running EA/PA and continues to text OPs in your presence. Ie: like bedding down with a grumpy anaconda - not good for one's General wellbeing. At what point do you say - hey, this situation really isn't working for me? I do think it is important to get to the point where you will be fine either way - whether the M can be saved or not. But your self-respect and self-love comes before the M...and that is why DBing always focuses first on saving yourself.

Can I ask if you have read Codependent No More? I found it really helped me look at my own desperate desire to hold on to the M and see a level of codependency in myself. Some key questions we are encouraged to ask in the book are - does this work for me? And also. What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

Personally, I would love it if you would kick your H's ass to the curb - MLC or not - but maybe I'm just a little feisty (and fed up of WS's who seem to think they can hold on to their M's whilst they have one foot out.)

Anyway, do take the last part with a pinch of salt, but I hope there is something useful for you in the rest of the post.

xx

[Cherry]

I think that's a good sign that he is starting to look like he is regretting his hurtful actions. This is truly his journey, and he's going to go through some rough issues that he needs to deal with himself. Just focus on you and being that steady lighthouse from a little distance.

Regarding boundaries, have a little read about boundary setting in cadets welcome post.

Big hugs, it's awful when you are feeling lousy and just want a little tlc from someone. Stay strong, he's not capable of showing love right now

[JRuss]

Buxom -- just checking in to say hi and offer support. Also, I may have missed it, but is your H in IC? It seems impossible that he'll ever sort all of his issues, past abuse, etc. without the help of at least one mental health professional. That's a job (his IC) you can't hope to or attempt to tackle. Hang in there!

[Buxom]

Thanks all. I will respond to each of you when I can today.

JRuss, he is in IC but just in the last two weeks. He's dealing with his incest and sexual orientation issues. I've always believed this is the core of his addictions. He also goes to AA but from what he said yesterday, there is unhealthy drama happening there. I'd love to say that while the program is good it's all unhealthy people trying to "help", yet I know enough to keep my mouth shut or I'll be lumped in with the drama. Or dismissed as controlling.

Thanks for the support JRuss!!

[Buxom]

Cherry, I have read cadets work repeatedly and the boundary one is as hard to grasp, for me as the detachment.

Truly tho, I really do not think I am ready to think of and carry out he appropriate consequences more than tell him what I want or need to have happen. I keep coming back to the DB guidelines of let him do what he's gonna do. My guess is, while I don't like what he's doing, if I can detach better, he will be on his own to figure it out. Doesn't the DB stuff say not to interfere with the process or it gets set back or takes longer?

I thot it was a good sign he can see both sides of his turmoil and see the damaged caused. I also agree that he is not capable of love right now. If you can't love yourself, it's hard to love another.

[Buxom]

Thanks Andrew, being patient used to be easier when I lived more in denial.
I think I do a lot of things 'right' but when stressed, old habits come up. I was proud of myself giving him space when asked last night. I don't regret checking in with him either. He needed to know that I was aware and willing to hear what was going on. I forgot to mention earlier.... He did thank me this morning for checking in and for the being given the space before he acknowledged his unpredictability. I was impressed.

I think I'm good at validating but when it's your H may be not so good? I approached him by saying, 'I noticed you seemed quiet in the car and then angry as we got closer to home, would u like to talk?' He spit out, no, with an edge and said leave me alone. I said yes I will and I'm here when u r ready. I then had lighthearted chats with both the kids within earshot and was no taking it personally. Getting better at that.
He was calmer by lights out and we wished each other good night and I went to my room and closed the door. Thinking back I see that he was in a mood prior to the concert and I did not sit next to him there. That's a change for me.

I like your tips on showing caring. Actions over words. I appreciate a guy's opinion since I'm not of the same mind. He is processing a lot and I'm focused on staying out of the way. I could confront all sorts of things, I just don't judge the time to be right. I'll keep in mind not to press things!

Anyway, thanks for your check in, male mind and encouragement Andrew !

[Altair]

Female mind next!
One thing I've noticed these men seem to be so bristly, even though it could be months and months after we've stopped certain behaviors, they still steel up for ... nothing. Example: I told my H to have a nice time seeing his friends. He of course was like, "I'm trying to get my head on straight!" I guess he thought I was implying, what, oh, you're just running away, all of his guilt, etc. I was serious, though. I was just saying have a good time, as we were wrapping up chat. Everything is loaded at these points it seems. But Buxom you seem to have this. Not escalating, going and talking to kids, ignoring stewing, it all sounds good. Old habits will take a long time to die! Especially old communication habits, I would think!
And, I know, due to DBing, I have changed (180 degrees) and I see H hasn't changed one iota-- which isn't surprising, he's not DBing. Buxom don't you feel like you travel back in time when you spend time with your H?