Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[AndrewP]

Buxom - sending hugs to you across the miles. Or since we're Canadian - the kilometers.

[Cadet]

My suggestion is to listen, validate what he says and then just stay silent and listen some more.
No expectations.

[Buxom]

Thanks guys! Appreciate the thots. I'm surprised that I was able to keep expectations in check today and I had a good day, go figure.
I recognized today I cut him off in convo more than I thot. I also see that I hear him and work into a personal experience, and it seems to shut him down. Grr, I hate it, a bad habit I'm working on!

Today was the first day in a week I didn't want a drink. I don't drink but I still think of it when stressed. Trying to overcome so many things and be patient with WH.
Good night all!

[Surfer]

Did you drink lot then Buxom? Well done for handling it regardless. In tend to drink most nights. Dunno, functioning, but 3 - 4 glasses. Don't feel rough with it. Or were you drinking a lot? Was your H? Did your relationship or his, with drink add to your problems? Was it a symptom or cause of problem in your M?

Surfer.

[Cherry]

I know what you mean by the weekends being harder, the way that I see him asking about your whereabouts is a positive. Get him thinking of where is this beautiful lady going? Who is she seeing? Be a little mysterious and upbeat.

It's good that you are recognising where you go wrong in your interactions with him. This is something I'm also working on. Read up on validation, let him speak and just validate wherever possible.

[Buxom]

I'm so angry at WH tonight. Not sure if I should confront or save it!! We went to a weird al concert tonight all four of us, it had been planned for four months and pre BD. S18 drove us into the city and I watch WH text and sext others most of the way in and some during the concert!! Other than him being an a$$, is this part of his replay and I just accept it's him doing what he has to do?? To confront would set us back on the progress made so far. He would again be more ashamed and guilty and once again I would not be seen as a viable partner but the hitch that ruined the night. Yes, I could confront, but not while kids are with us. Is this something I just note, document and live with until he's ready to talk? Do I bring up at our next weekly meeting?? I'm too angry and hurt by this and his only comment to me tonight was how the massage messed up my hair. I was hurt and angry with that too. Even if I should confront I cannot stay calm right now!
What is good DB ing right now?

[Buxom]

Surfer and cherry, thanks for the messages.
Surfer, I was a mild drinker but know it could have quickly taken over in my life. I always had to watch it, alcoholic parents and all. WH started to Dr I k more heavily during A1 as a way of coping with his double life. He said it numbed the pain. Now after rehab 14 months ago he hasn't touched it. In proud of him and said so again last week. Tonight, he is angry too and he'd drink if he could but he won't. It did damage our M as he was a mean drunk and he avoided talking about issues by opting out of life for booze and the skanks. He's still not used to dealing with all the emotions without chemical numbing. Maybe the sexting does that now? When we got home I asked him if he was angry, he said frustrated and I asked what was creating the frustration. He flashed a get back and said, this is where u leave me alone. I said ok and walked off. He hollered after me, you wanted go zesty and I'm being go set. I said yes I did and I'm leaving you alone. I may be mind reading but we were all subdued in the car and I think he thot we weren't appreciative. Either that or he felt my angry silence, even tho I tried to get convo going with the kids .

Cherry,thanks for the pep talk. I will re-read the validation and detachment tonight and tomorrow. It was hard to walk away from him when he told me to leave him alone twenty mins ago, but it was the best thing. Five mins ago he told me good night gave me a quick kiss then asked about my plans for tomorrow morning. I plan to sleep in since I'm still very sore from the accident yesterday. The. Bruising is starting to show all down my left side. The helmet saved my head but the neck pain is still bad. Please let me know your take on the sexting I outlined earlier tonight. Thank you!!! Hope things are settling down for you. Thinking about you and hoping for peace for you and S and bump. Take care! Col

[Surfer]

Buxom,

That is not only wrong and inappropriate it is unfair to text, sext in your company. It must really hurt. Seems you are showing your anger a bit at the moment. Are you still very connected, seems like you are not detached if you are going to concerts?

Surfer.

[Cherry]

I'm so sorry to hear that he did that. And to do it in front of you is ridiculously inappropriate and disrespectful. I personally think you need to put a boundary in place, but make sure you are willing to follow through with it.

I know you feel like you are making good progress, he obviously wants your company and he is giving you kisses and so on. But he is majorly disrespecting you and cake eating. Think it through, and think what you would say or what boundaries you could put in place. But I wouldn't just accept it and allow him to cake eat IMO

[Buxom]

Surfer, this concert was a family outing planned while things were really good and prior to A2. It was for the kids. I sat in the back seat of the car there and back and we sat apart at the concert. He thinks this is all secret and frankly I wish I didn't know as it makes it harder to try and believe that there is progress.
I don't even know what the boundary consequence could be??