Background: - m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 - over a year of emotional detachment -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM -individual coaching to connect for one month - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - mc, ic for both, db coaching for me
Ww refused to stop contact after ea confirmed. Broke many of the db rules over time but have been adhering to them for about a month. She lies about all aspects of the A and says I'm wrong to focus on the OM and we should try to reconnect instead.
She is constantly on her phone and there is plenty of evidence of ongoin correspondence. I have been more aloof about it but sandi2's writings really got me thinking. I'm more driven to not put up with an OM.
I had my third coaching session today and was generally feeling ok. Took our son out for a nice afternoon and when we got back, some friends happened to be over. There was a pile of packages in front of the garage and I needed to move them to get in. (Of course, it's my job to bring them in) One of them is from OM. I'm just shaking and am sick of this abuse.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would have taken a fcking hammer to the package from OM. Probably the wrong thing to do. I don't know.
Sorry about your situation, but glad you found us.
What have you learned from the coaching sessions? It seems the advice you get from coaching don't always line up w/ the advice you get here in the forum.
What's your W's overall personality like? (Before all this....) Having an affair blows but ... it's good that she's willing to work on reconnecting. Some (i.e., me) don't even get that much from a WW.
What does it mean that your W "requested OM?" She asked to, basically, have an open marriage?
p.s. Please put your background in your signature ("My Profile" -> "Edit Profile")
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I want to thank sandi2 so much. While I'm less a fan of ww's than ever before, I feel that what she has contributed to this board has truly helped people like me and she should feel good about herself. Her perspective is invaluable and she's a good writer to boot.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Yup she asked for open marriage when denying any A.
Thank you. My feeling was to set the package on fire or throw it in the river, along with other stuff.
Ww has always been super strong willed and we had plenty of problems throughout our marriage(criticism, sex, division of labor) and have gone to counseling before but we always agreed it was bad and ineffective. Our current counsellors are better. We agree that we work together well on big things but not on little ones. One of our best periods was when we were dealing with infertility, IVF, pregnancy, and my losing and finding a new job.
Coaching has emphasized connection and being friends. Not bad stuff but I have a bigger problem and have been through too much abuse. She is not really looking to connect. We were given an exercise in mc that she always is too busy to do. She just wants to cake eat.
I'll add my signature soon.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I criticized, wasn't a good listener, and was rather grumpy for the past few years. Our son had a number of medical issues and was generally difficult. She gets migraines and needs more help. We don't have family close by that could help. I helped but was grumpy. I rarely got a break between work and taking over with the baby. I pushed for breaks to go exercise and do my hobbies and she felt abandoned. Our sex life was never good...
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
At this stage, where there is active/willful EA, I think MC probably won't do much for you guys. Just my amateur opinion. But it's amazing that she is still willing to do MC with you! That says something.
She'd probably benefit from doing some IC, if willing, so she can sort out what the hell she wants out of life, marriage and a partner.
Does she work outside the home?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I criticized, wasn't a good listener, and was rather grumpy for the past few years. Our son had a number of medical issues and was generally difficult. She gets migraines and needs more help. We don't have family close by that could help. I helped but was grumpy. I rarely got a break between work and taking over with the baby. I pushed for breaks to go exercise and do my hobbies and she felt abandoned. Our sex life was never good...
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
