Focus on Me and my Boys 7

[J5K]

Rich,

She is using her ulcerative colitis as an excuse that she cannot work. I was able to find her resume and sent it to my L. STBX keeps saying she is not well and cannot work. All excuses.

RAI,

Thank you for posting. I will be honest I have not read your sitch in detail but will this week. I did have positive memories this past week with the boys. Took some pictures of the things we did, park, evenings with cousins, festival.

I need to learn to block the negative side of my thinking when STBX is not with us. Maybe it is an excuse I am making in my head that the boys are hurting and I hurt for them.

One of my S6's said I don't smile enough. He said mom smiles all the time. I need to figure out how to hide my emotions from the boys more and just have fun with them.

[PsySara]

Do three things when the wave of pain hits.

1 thing you see

1 thing you feel

1 thing you smell

I've been doin this lately when recalling my WH's horrible betrayal and it has helped IMMENSELY with resetting my brain. I also have been making myself watch comedians on YouTube and cracking up. I think I am reaching detachment and truly I smile more often. My WH even noticed it lately and commented on it.

[RAI]

I need to learn to block the negative side of my thinking when STBX is not with us. Maybe it is an excuse I am making in my head that the boys are hurting and I hurt for them.

One of my S6's said I don't smile enough. He said mom smiles all the time. I need to figure out how to hide my emotions from the boys more and just have fun with them.

I won't lie, I have the same problem. But it is always easier to counsel others than ourselves. So here goes:

Kids are human lie detectors. You can't fake it with them or hide your emotions. Deep down, they know you are troubled. I thought I was doing a fabulous job, but my son told me that he finds it awkward when W and I are in the same room together and is looking forward to when we are no longer in the same home. Ughh. Here are some points that have helped me a bit (warning: emotional nudity coming up):

1) Who says you need to hide your emotions more from the boys? Another poster once reminded me that it is OK to feel sad sometimes and for the children to see this. You are going through a sad time. You children need to see that their father is human and can express the whole range of human emotions with maturity and poise. It's ok to be sad sometimes, lest they think you are cold-hearted and don't really care. Of course, don't go overboard and make them feel like your therapist. But you get the point: Real men are sad sometimes. This should take some of the pressure off you.

2) Parental alienation syndrome is a disorder in which one subtly indoctrinates their children against the other parent. Is it possible that the reason you focus on your Ws actions stems from a subconscious drive to hurt your W by alienating her from the children? You express disappointment in your Ws behavior. We all do. But do you secretly want your children to hate her? Do you sometimes wish you could tell your children all the terrible things your W has done, or is doing? I know I do. All the time. BUT... it would not be good for the children. Your W may be trying to "turn the kids against you", but that is not your concern. You need to focus instead on being the best Dad. Just an awareness of this behavior/phenomenon can help.

3) If you can't fake happiness, you will just have to be happier. How does one achieve happiness? I alluded to it in my last post. Happiness is a choice. When one is unhappy, one is actually rejecting their lot in life: We say, "This was not how my life was supposed to be". But in truth, no one's life turns out exactly as they expected. We need to shed this false expectation that we know what tomorrow will bring. We don't. So, instead we have to be happy with our lot TODAY. How to do this? Think of all the things for which you are grateful TODAY. I have a friend who just lost an 11-year old son. I think many/all of us would willingly choose our current sitch instead of losing a child. Pain only causes suffering when there is no meaning. For instance, we are willing to endure muscle soreness after a workout because we know it makes us bigger stronger - that is meaning. You are working out your "Struggle muscles". You don't know when you will next be called upon to use these muscles, but when you are, you'll be ready. No experience in life is a waste of time. If you become a skilled practitioner of gratitude, you will come away richer and happier from the experience. I am grateful that SH_ has the gratitude thread . I have been posting in my own thread, but I hope to post there soon.

The above are things that I struggle with. I hope you find it helpful to know that you are not alone in these feelings.

Best of luck JK,

RAI

[rich4j]

RAI- awesome post...#3...need to embrace it.

JK- I love what he posted and as I have said before you cant control your W and should focus the energy elsewhere

[SH_]

RAI- awesome post...#3...need to embrace it.

JK- I love what he posted and as I have said before you cant control your W and should focus the energy elsewhere

I second this. (and not just cuz RAI promoted the gratitude thread, but because each point he makes is spot on.)
We control ourself, not that which is around us.
We control our emotions with a decision.
Don't misunderstand this.
Feelings and emotions are not the same.
Feelings are the sensation that our brain triggers our body to feel.
Emotions are the labels we give these feelings.
The issue is, we confuse the labels to often and then our brain mixes the triggers up.
Happiness is not a feeling so much as it is a choice.
Philosophers have been saying this for centuries.
Psychology has been theorizing this for decades.
Scientific studies of the brain are proving this today.
Buddhist monks have been spot on for a long time on the how.
We need to start learning and exercising this so it becomes a way of life.


Anyway, my point is RAI has provided some great thoughts here.
Read and re read and put into action what he shares.
Golden information.

[J5K]

Found out that the engine replacement on the car will be free. Manufacturer is covering the costs. Won't be ready until next week though.

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

[doodler]

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

JimKao,

What works best for you and the children?

[SH_]

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

JimKao,

What works best for you and the children?

JK, what would you do if she was your nanny?
This approach will help you remove some emotional attachment and thoughts so you can make a sound decision and proceed.

[J5K]

I am working. STBX does not, neither does FIL, so he can drive down with her and take her back to Toronto. The other option is I get a rental car, but I do not want to do that and spend more money (It's not about the money anymore). Even though STBX does not love me anymore, I would help out a friend if they needed it. I am sure that is what STBX will ask me to do.

If it were my nanny I would possibly help out by getting her a rental also so I guess that is what I will do.

[mvgfwd2]

If you tell her that the car won't be ready then expect her to suggest alternatives. Something like: "then I will keep the boys until it's ready" or "why don't I just take the van back" etc. If you inform her then be prepared for possible responses. Also, if you choose to not inform her be prepare for that reaction too.

Did you obligate yourself to taking care of the car for her? If so, I would think you should inform her. An alternative may be to give her the contact info for the auto shop so she can deal with her arrangements herself. Maybe they have a loaner car available. Depends on what expectation you gave her.