Pathway Change

[sandi2]

I appreciate what Rose posted, b/c she said some things that described me when I first made my decision to end my A and stay in my M.

Is H reconnected to me emotionally? Does he love me? Or is he acting as if because he made a choice that staying is the Right Thing To Do?

I was not in a good place emotionally when I finally made the decision to stay in my M. I had come to the board as a woman who was in an A, depressed, confused, and very resentful toward my H. I had been getting excellent advice from the board members. At that time, we could email to members, so there were a couple of ladies who helped me tremendously.

I actually made my decision based on it being the "right thing to do". I could not trust my feelings to guide, that was for sure. I had a love for my H that was similar to what I felt toward an uncle. There was no attraction and no respect.

1) Her motivation for coming back, she says it because she realised, she was still loved me, but is this the truth or just a realisation that the grass isn't greener on the other side, kids, money wise, material things!

Even a WW knows her H's ego is fragile. What she told you may, or may not be, exactly what her desires (loving feelings) are right now. However, feelings will follow the actions, so give her time to get there. Realization that the grass isn't greener on the other side is something you should want her to see. B/c it means her fantasy world is collapsing. Sure, she might return b/c of financial reasons.....there's always a good chance that she will, but if she's sincere and if she's remorseful about the hurt she has caused for her loved ones, then all these things collectively work for the betterment of the MR.

Listen, you are very normal for wanting your W to come back into the M for all the right reasons. The reality is that a WW doesn't bounce out of love with one man....into love with another man.....then bounce out of love with OM....and back in love to the original man without it affecting her. Her feelings and mindset are pretty scrambled, and if she's the real deal....it is going to take time and a lot of work for her to get back to the woman she once was.

My question to you is......what did she have to do in order to come back home? Did she apologize? Was she broken and humbled by her infidelity and remorseful for what her actions had done to her family? Did you give her any conditions to coming back into the M? Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!

2) Trust, I have no really trust in her at the moment, nothing that's she has said or done, how should I move forward, should I still be checking up which she know I do. She has told me she will never do anything to break my trust again and I have nothing to worry about!

I tell LBH's all the time, you can't trust a W who has just started the process of coming out of her wayward mindset and reconciling the MR. That is why a transparent plan is so important. It is to help her as much as it is to verify that her actions line up with her words. My H had no clue about transparency, but since I had been the spouse who was on the DB board, I had learned about it. So, I volunteered transparency. It helped me, knowing he was following my computer activity. People tend to do the right thing when they are being observed. Until the WW has gone through the withdrawals of her addictive A.....she needs to be held accountable in some sort of way. Also, the H should check when the W has no idea he is checking. Not every day, but once in awhile.

3) I find me wanting her to be more tactile, she hold/ my hand when we go out, cuddle up in bed, tell me she love me. I find myself wondering if this is real or fake!

You are really wanting reassurance that she genuinely loves you and is truthful with you.

I think age; and how long the couple has been M; and how long the resentment & disrespect reigned in her heart....differentiates the time span of how quickly she is able to authentically do the things stated in #3.

I believe the heart/attitude of a wayward is not the same as some woman who left for other reasons. And, b/c her waywardness begins in her heart and mindset....that's the last to change, IMHO. I know it must be so excruciating for the LBS to hear that their WS has returned, but their feelings aren't in tune yet. It may take several months, even a couple of years before she her feelings are straighten out. It just depends on the individual person.

I want to encourage you to remind yourself that it is not "you" (If you have properly improved yourself as a man). It is her. I believe it is very important for the couple to have expert guidance in the piecing process. Each spouse is going through separate issues in this ordeal, and most are not equipped to know what to do.

4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.

You have to communicate to your W that hearing about the OM, his family, or anything connected to him.....is very painful for you. If it is a trigger, then tell her.

What your W may not understand is if you turn around and ask a question about OM and their A. To her, she's confused about what you want to know and what you don't. So, make sure you aren't expecting her to just know these things. You have to tell her.

5) She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!

Not sure what you mean here.

6) I find myself obsessing about the whole thing, it has taken over my life, and find myself thinking how can I be happy and just want to fast forward life a couple of years!!!

That is another reason for piecing being such a fragile time. Please, get professional counseling. Your M may not make it if you don't get help.

[blueboy]

Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!

She ring me 30 time that day, and came looking for me at my dad's house, she went everywhere looking for me, when she found me she was in a state and was crying, told me she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wanted to fix our marriage.

I made conditions of NC with OM in any shape of from and made her message him to say it was over, no use of social media i.e. Facebook. NC with Friend who is have affair with OM friend. Complete access to her phone and any over password, she offered to let me track her location.

I tell LBH's all the time, you can't trust a W who has just started the process of coming out of her wayward mindset and reconciling the MR. That is why a transparent plan is so important. It is to help her as much as it is to verify that her actions line up with her words. My H had no clue about transparency, but since I had been the spouse who was on the DB board, I had learned about it. So, I volunteered transparency. It helped me, knowing he was following my computer activity. People tend to do the right thing when they are being observed. Until the WW has gone through the withdrawals of her addictive A.....she needs to be held accountable in some sort of way. Also, the H should check when the W has no idea he is checking. Not every day, but once in awhile.

She happy for me to look at her phone etc anytime, it never use to leave her side now she rare use it.

You are really wanting reassurance that she genuinely loves you and is truthful with you.

I think age; and how long the couple has been M; and how long the resentment & disrespect reigned in her heart....differentiates the time span of how quickly she is able to authentically do the things stated in

She ask to put her head on my chest when we sleep, says it make her feel secure, we have sex but she says she lack confidence because she feel tainted and not very good about herself.

I believe the heart/attitude of a wayward is not the same as some woman who left for other reasons. And, b/c her waywardness begins in her heart and mindset....that's the last to change, IMHO. I know it must be so excruciating for the LBS to hear that their WS has returned, but their feelings aren't in tune yet. It may take several months, even a couple of years before she her feelings are straighten out. It just depends on the individual person.

She says she is ashamed of herself, her actions and how she has hurt me and her family, she is very keen on attending church

I

You have to communicate to your W that hearing about the OM, his family, or anything connected to him.....is very painful for you. If it is a trigger, then tell her.

We missed a family wedding due to her affair and she said it was good we missed it, but then said the reason we missed it was dreadful, felt like say will we missed it because you were have sex with OM, but keep quite.

She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!

Not sure what you mean here. [/quote]

She talks about the future, i.e renewing vows, booking holiday etc, I just think so what talk is cheap

[/quote]
That is another reason for piecing being such a fragile time. Please, get professional counseling. Your M may not make it if you don't get help. [/quote]

I agree we need it and we need to sort it.

[blueboy]

My question to you is......what did she have to do in order to come back home? Did she apologize? Was she broken and humbled by her infidelity and remorseful for what her actions had done to her family? Did you give her any conditions to coming back into the M? Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!

Should also mention that she apologise and say sorry, when I not even mentioned anything, she does seem remorseful.

She say's she want me to think of her as an amazing person again and will do anything to rebuild my trust.

[bigybiz]

Blueboy:

I want to let you know that I have been praying for you everyday. I will continue to do so as you build a new relationship.

[blueboy]

Thanks, I continue to pray for myself, my marriage and all the other people on here who face problems in their marriage.

[bigybiz]

I was very encouraged when I read your thread and to find you and your W are building a new relationship. Envy is a sin - so I will say I'm thankful that you two are where you are and it give me hope that one day W and I will be able to start again.

Continued prayers

[sandi2]

Should also mention that she apologise and say sorry, when I not even mentioned anything, she does seem remorseful.

She say's she want me to think of her as an amazing person again and will do anything to rebuild my trust.

The words don't get much better than that! If she just carry through with her actions.

[blueboy]

W stated today that she had made a fool out of herself and me yesterday!

We had another honest chat how and why it happened, W very tearfully and begged for me not to leave her.

I just so f@@ked at the moment, I love my W and want to be M, but not sure I can get over it and deal with the feelings!

[blueboy]

Really struggling to cope with my emotions, regarding trust, forgiveness, endless mind movies!

W is being very understanding, asking me to talk and what can she do to help. i.e. Do I have any question, thing she could do better etc!

We have move area to a new house, it lovely and hopefully a new start!

I just feel overcome we worry about her doing it again!

[blueboy]

More has came out over the last few days, turn out OM with number 3, she meet OM2 for lunch but he back out when realising W was M, gave OM1 at blowjob, but he back out when his W called him at hotel as they lay on bed!

The news has blown my, mind me think I can't get over this and should D!

Some many lies, not sure what I want anymore!