Wow - 4th thread. For those who have followed me here thank you so much.
A brief "status" for those for whom this is their first view into my sitch. The timelines are in my signature below so there's really no need to repeat that. If you really want the history feel free to browse my previous threads but there's a lot of rambling nonsense and over-analyzing there.
Unlike some situations here there was no history of abuse of any sort within our MR and I was a devoted husband and she a devoted wife. The reasons why she became wayward are still in large part a mystery to me.
WW left a bit over 3 weeks ago to "get away from the noise" and presumably to make up her mind on where her future lies. I do know that she has not moved in with OM but as far as I can know the A continues. She appears to have cut off ties with the group of enabling "friends" who I feel played a large part in reinforcing her in her wayward path. But again, I can't know that for sure.
She does know that I am waiting for her and that I love her unconditionally and will take her back. Prior to her moving out I had been working on detaching with some moderate success. Since she moved out I have done my best to "drop the rope" and have no contact. It's now been 12 days since I have had any sort of communication with her. I tend to be active on social media presenting as confident, happy face as I can. I have a good support network of friends and family whose well-meant advice I often ignore. The affair and separation are kept as secret as anything can be in a small village with the affair being the more tightly held secret.
I am working on myself to piece together a life without W and yes, do often struggle with it. Contrary to the above statement it is obvious to W that I am acting as if I don't expect her to come back and to be honest that is the reality of it. I have good days and bad days with the good days seeming to slowly be growing in number. The bad days though can be very dark sometimes.
So - pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable, browse the old magazines piled around that WW left behind because Now we wait.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Crap. I drove by WW's house to go and get groceries and OM was there walking in the back yard with her. I've not seen him before but know what he looks like. On my way back a short while later (don't need many groceries) WW was getting into OM's vehicle.
I knew in my head that she now has her little love nest even though I denied it at first. "IS" she still thinking and trying to make up her mind?
I feel like calling her and screaming at her. I feel like blasting this all over Facebook. I feel like giving up. I feel like crying - sorry - already doing that.
Crap
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP nooooo do none of the above (except the last one). Also, I'll point out the obvious: don't drive by her house! I'll tell you why you shouldn't. The A could be built on them complaining about their spouses. It brings them closer, the shared complaining and unhappiness. So everytime you do something like drive by (and they might see you) or facebook blast or call and scream, it's more fuel for their A fire. ("see what I mean? He's such a jerk",etc your WW might say). Be strong. If their glue in the relationship is how unhappy their marriages were, well, that's not much glue is it? No matter what, your W is married. The guy knows it. It's not a sexy or attractive position to be in, at all, for anyone. Sneaking around can only go so far. I think that's why A generally do not last long, because reality sets in and it's not attractive. Who wants to be someone married to someone else? Well, food for thought. Hope you don't contact her.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Andrew, I don't know what to say amigo, aside from I know exactly how you feel. I've discovered wh & ow where together last night. And his causal "and what" approach angers me further.
I wholeheartedly agree with your feelings of wanting to do something, anything that will cause some kind of chaos or allow them to feel a single drop of the amount of pain that we feel. But as Altair says and like I have been advised on my post, it isn't going to solve anything at all. All it will do is justify their feelings: "do you see what I have to put up with" etc. We need to appear the attractive spouse.
So much as me and you are overflowing with emotion right now. We just need to accept the anger, accept the pain and move past it.
And again, as highlighted above. What the hell is attractive about our spouses right now?! People who can happily have an affair?! The op should really wise up and see that they are nothing special, if it happened to us, it can happen to them.
So listen, if it's any comfort. I feel this pain with you. I'm here with you. And we can rant to one another, but to them- they don't get to be given the satisfaction or the fuel to their sordid lives.
I'm sending you the biggest hug! And some virtual churros y chocolaté, comfort food!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Unlike some situations here there was no history of abuse of any sort within our MR...
She does know that I am waiting for her and that I love her unconditionally and will take her back.
I am working on myself to piece together a life without W and yes, do often struggle with it.
AP - hey man, question - no abuse from you in the M, what about in her life before you, specifically childhood? Also, she can know that you love her unconditionally (say it one time if you must and then never again), but not that you will take her back or that you are "waiting". Erase this with action brother - the 12 days are a start. You are plan B if she knows these two things. Last, the struggle for us all. Your choice - get stronger or live in pain that medication does not exist for. What is your choice?
Your other item - I feel you. I must drive by WW's place to take s4 to daycare. No other option unless I walk the full distance or drive an extra 30 minutes. She OM there vehicle some mornings. DO NOT CALL HER OR SOCIAL MEDIA THIS! Hope I am not too late in reaching you. We can discuss why later, for now...stand down brother.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Altair - I have no real choice but to drive by that house. This is a small village and that is one of the few ways out of it. What I need to do is detach more and not look.
I think that WW did see me when she was getting into OM vehicle - she did look up. I have a very common car though and was driving fairly quickly so there may be doubt in her mind.
Just a couple of clarifications OM is a widower and I can almost guarantee that he's not living in the village with WW. He has a much nicer house of his own. Also because this is a small village and WW drives a unique car probably most people know where she's living and how many / what sort of visitors she is getting. I believe that they are still trying to be discrete. I really wish they weren't because keeping quiet is one of the burdens I bear.
I'm not sure what sort of glue binds them - that's too much mind-reading and again - it doesn't matter. For OM - I'm sure he was lonely. He'd been chasing WW for some time before he caught her.
After I posted here - for which I'm grateful of having this outlet - I went out and cut the grass coming to the conclusion that this really changes nothing. She's been having the A for about 8 months and she told me that it was continuing.
Believe it or not, one of the things I wanted to have happen much earlier in this journey was for them to actually spend a lot of time with each other. WW is a poor housekeeper, not good in bed, is prone to complain and at times doesn't control her anger well. She can however make an effort on these matters for short periods of time. She is also if I can be blunt, a fat middle-aged woman with all the related sags and droops and pains.
P.S. - she seems to have stopped walking so much and from a distance looks like she's packing on the lbs again. In her "natural habitat" at 4'11" she was about 185lbs. She was down 20 when she left. The walking was originally a symptom of her being unhappy then it became the cover story for meeting with OM.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So listen, if it's any comfort. I feel this pain with you. I'm here with you. And we can rant to one another, but to them- they don't get to be given the satisfaction or the fuel to their sordid lives.
I'm sending you the biggest hug! And some virtual churros y chocolaté, comfort food!
Cherry - thanks. You are a sweetheart and a treasure. I've never had churros before.
If you don't mind moving to Canada you and the kids can move in with me. It'll be like instant grandkids for me. It's been a long time but in my day I was a pretty good diaper changer. I have a big and rather empty house and you can each have your own room and I can get my hugs. There's a big back yard, a great park a short walk away and lots of friendly people.
P.S. - I didn't post anything outside of here and a message to my SIL support team.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AP - hey man, question - no abuse from you in the M, what about in her life before you, specifically childhood? Also, she can know that you love her unconditionally (say it one time if you must and then never again), but not that you will take her back or that you are "waiting". Erase this with action brother - the 12 days are a start. You are plan B if she knows these two things. Last, the struggle for us all. Your choice - get stronger or live in pain that medication does not exist for. What is your choice?
CT1118 - thanks for stopping by and your question.
WW was (I believe - she never talked to me directly about it) sexually abused by an uncle as a child. In fact he abused pretty much all her female relations and the family ignored it. Her father was also "very" wayward and there was a lot of stress and anger in the home. (Much) older sister became an unwed teen mom and the family moved out of shame. WW herself was very rebellious as a teen and having big boobs lost her virginity at 12.
WW must know that I am moving on. Other than the one "I love you" at the end of a text I sent the day she moved out there has been no reinforcing of that. She knows that the stuff she left behind is being boxed up which is about the strongest message I can reasonably send. I've also posted on social media (just once in a joking fashion) about the nice compliments I'm getting on my appearance from members of the opposite sex. There has been no reinforcement of the "unconditional" or "waiting" since on the morning she left I got on my knees and begged her not to go and that if she had to go to please come back. The N/C includes social media where (generally) I don't post any "lovey" messages and certainly nothing aimed at her. Sadly it means that I also don't feel that I can post any of the truly funny things I see about cheating spouses since that would be interpreted as being aimed at her too.
The reality is that I need to not only "act as if" I'm moving on but actually plan for it. She may never come back and if she does she knows that there are conditions. My IC had suggested that I do up a list of things involved in a reconciliation and she saw a draft copy which had all of the "standard" conditions recommended here on it. From time to time I sweat more blood into it but I don't think she's looked again. Additionally on June 23rd I gave her a letter asking her to decide in a "reasonable time" to either reconcile or that I would look at taking steps to end the marriage.
I know it's foolish and probably dead wrong but the end of September deadline for her to have to move where she lives may also be the time when she makes up her mind. If she doesn't then I need to decide in my own mind do I push her to choose or do I flip the calendar page to October.
I'm working on the stronger but I also know that inside me there is a small scared boy who cries in the night and says "please stop hurting me". The pain is real and I'm grateful that I can talk about it here. Outside these electronic walls I am as someone posted a while ago doing my best to "fake it until you make it".
Thanks
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You fool !!! How can you refuse the virtual churros. I will take them from you. Muchisima gracias Cherry.
Seriously though: when I hear (read) the stuff you're going through, it really feels like daggers in my own guts, as we are all in similar situations. I don't know what to say. It's all $#@! surreal. It just feel unreal, all a bad dream.
I'm glad CT1118 asked about your W's childhood traumas, because childhood traumas are linked to borderline personality disorders (BPD). The reason I'm latched onto this in your case is that you mentioned your W rushed into marriage and was highly controlling. For someone w/ BPD, attention/approval/security provided by a person(s) is like heroin. They want more and more. Your W married you, then the heroin wore off -- therefore the sex-life goes downhill. And since then she's been getting her kicks from platonic relationships all the while secretly or subconsciously missing the heroin hit she got when she married you. The above type of behavior is included in this item from NIMH's "Signs & Symptoms":
"A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)"
The fact that infidelity "runs in the family" is consistent w/ BPD too, because BPD is strongly related to very poor impulse control, and the physical size of the hippocampus in the sufferer's brain is smaller than that found in a normal brain.
Not saying your W has BPD.... just something to consider if she's displayed a lifelong pattern of getting high on relationships, both sexual and platonic.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
ForGump - Very likely I lack perspective being too close to the situation. She has indeed always craved attention and approval sometimes to ridiculous levels. One of the reasons I became smothering was W would come home and keep calling "hello" and wandering around the house looking for me. I had presumed she was lonely and wanted to talk so started making more and more time for her.
Still BPD or not there's not much I can do at present except hope that it messes up her A.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
