If you don't want to look through all 19 threads, I'm basically a 44 year old man, who's 51 year old W has decided to S. Usual stuff about 'not being attracted' etc. with a BD in April 2015.
I've moved on here, because I think my W is having a MLC, but it doesn't seem to fit any of the descriptions I've read. My W started behaving oddly at the start of her menopause. She started to lose attraction to me and started to show less and less affection. I always reassured her and felt I was supportive.
She became a WAW and wanted to run away to her parents etc. and we finally S (out of house) in December 2015. Since then she has played all the emotional tricks she can and in July this year, she had a tummy tuck operation. After having three kids, my W lost all her baby weight, but I was never bothered about it, she always looked sexy to me!
So this is where I'm stuck; well, we're stuck. I have been DB'ing, in one form or another since May 2015. Whilst I now feel stronger and better, W appears to be none the better. I am trying to understand her, without her knowing, as the kids are now asking searching questions and it is hurting them. My D regularly tells me how much she loves me and I'm worried she feels the S is her fault etc. My S is autistic, so can't readily express his feelings, but will constantly ask for Mummy, and will do the opposite when with my W. My SD is now 21 and was hoping after her tummy tuck, that W would talk to me. She even asked W to do that (without my knowledge) and was assured by W she would because she hasn't been 'thinking properly'. But to no avail, and I'm not willing to do the R thing. W has to want to do this on her own.
So, I just can't tell if it is a MLC. If it is, do I do anything differently? Just after some thoughts, as I'm getting on really well now (emotionally/mentally), but it grates when I see the kids getting edgy.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, Welcome to our MLC forum! Posters will be coming along shortly to post to you.
Your wife appears to have some symptoms of MLC, i.e., dissatisfaction w/life, less affection, etc. However, her menopause could be part of the issue as well, i.e., it could very well be a combination of things that have met up and combined at the age of 50/51.
I would suggest that you continue to following Sandi's Rules, continue working on you, keeping the focus on you and your children and give her plenty of space and time. A year in the the life of a WAW or MLCer isn't very long. I know, to you, it is a long time...but it takes years for them to get where they are now and it will take some time for them to even begin to move forward and work on themselves. Let me ask you this...have you tried something different? We have a saying over here that if something isn't working, try something different. Think about this question and then we can discuss it further.
Huddy, please take care of yourself. Your children are looking to you to be their support system, i.e., for now, both parents.
Keep posting!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sandi2 is a god! My old friends NDY, Sotto, Wonka and RD helped me through the first 16 months, which I appreciate very much. I have done a lot of work on myself and feel I have applied sandi2's teaching's throughout. Don't get me wrong, I've had my backslides and depressive moments, but mentally, I am at a far better place than at the start.
As for doing things differently, that's why I've moved here. I've also moved here as I feel newbies reading 19 volumes of my woes and tribulations might get put off and I don't want that, because, generally, once you get the basics of DB'ing right, it is incredibly helpful in getting your mind back in shape and providing worthwhile support.
Personally, I don't think I should do anything to start any kind of R talks. I feel if W wants to come back, or make an effort, then she has to do the work. In the past, I would have gone to mush at the slightest thought of W wanting to talk to me, but that's not the case anymore. So, is anything different in application in MLC land?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, I wasn't suggesting that you have a relationship talk w/your wife. In fact, it might bring her up short if you were to inquire about her health the next time you have a children's swap. It's not a real personal question because you can ask that of anyone you know or work with. Look her in the eye when you ask and watch her reaction. If it's a negative reaction, then don't ask again.
Sometimes we do temperature checks in the land of MLC and the question that I suggested could very well be a temperature check. Also, wishing her a nice day w/a smile and a wave of the hand is another way to check her temperature.
BTW, I have been to Scotland several times and have enjoyed myself. I was there a few years ago the wind was something else at St. Andrews. It's a beautiful country w/a lot of history and the people are very friendly and helpful.
Think about what I've suggested and maybe you will come up w/something more to your liking and can use it when the time is right.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Huddy, welcome to this part of the forum. Funny, I popped over here for a read soon after joining the forum, looked at the length and depth of the sitches and thought....eek....I don't want to be over there! Well, I ended up here for a while and it's a great place to be, with some wise and compassionate posters.
I think timescales is an important thing to bear in mind. If your W is having an MLC, she may inch along imperceptibly through that process and we are certainly talking years and not months. I don't think trying to adjust your approach in relation to your W (to try and prompt a certain direction or outcome) is the way to go. Of course if there are goals you have or things you'd like to do differently - then great. I think the way forward with MLC is survive - detach - thrive.
Of course my XH filed for D and saw it to conclusion, which in a way helps as there's no M to save. However, I would suggest leaving her be and doing things in a way that suit you without reference to her and what she may think, feel or do in response. However, where opportunities present, you can choose to interact with grace and compassion and respond helpfully. But when you do those things, you are only doing them because that is what you want to do and who you want to be, and you don't expect any outcome - other than that you lived your life and conducted yourself in ways you can look back on and be happy.
So, I think it becomes much, much more about focusing entirely on you and the family and accepting that she will do what she may do when she will do it and that's up to her...
I think you can do all of the above and still keep the door open a tiny chink for possible reconnection at some point if she shows some interest in the R again.
Just my thoughts Huddy and hope these are helpful....I'm sure other posters will stop by soon too. x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I realize you may have seen this before but in case you need it I have posted it here.
I don't think she's ready for all that yet. When she had her operation, the kids were with me for three weeks, and they had such a good time, when they were telling W about it, she went moody and aggressive. Basically, she got pissed off that I was coping and fairly settled.
As for timescale, well, I think 14 months is a long time for me. It's 14 months where the kids have been 'damaged' and I'm not sure how that can ever be mended.
The thing I am trying to picture is where she is in the process. She doesn't seem to match anybody's sitch. I know there are degrees of separation in everybody's story, but she seems perfectly capable of holding it together in front of me, and I don't see any random behaviour. OK, we're five miles apart and I don't see her every day, so maybe it's just a mask. Are they good at masks?
My W once told me she had a mini MLC when she was 30. It lasted a year (it's when my SD was born), but she left her 1stH when she was 31. I worry, now, that the things she told me about what he did were 'stories' - much the same as I can imagine she's telling her family to justify her leaving. Trust would also be difficult to re-establish as well.
Thanks Cadet. I have been re-doing my homework recently (it never hurts to gain further knowledge) and I would urge any newbie to keep re-reading and look at other threads to get practical tips. You're not alone!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hey Huddy, I think the thing is to let go of where she may be at. Who knows if she is going through MLC or a WAS or whatever. If you can let go of your need to know and purely focus on where you are at, that would be best.
Really, once the focus is truly on you, the only decision is do I continue to stand...
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but that's my humble opinion - and I do think you are generally doing well my friend....but try to just let her be without trying to look at where she may be at etc...
Hope you are having a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Huddy, We all go through life transitions, i.e., 20, 30, 40, etc. The way we cope w/those transitions determines whether or not we come out the other side successfully. As to whether or not your wife is in crisis, time will tell. However, just because you don't see any odd behavior, that doesn't mean she's not doing some odd things and yes, they do tend to wear masks w/different people. Wearing masks can become very stressful and tiring because it's a lot of work to make people think you are a happy individual.
Of course, your w became moody and aggressive when the kids told her what a great time that they had had w/their dad. She's not a happy camper because of the pain and she wasn't getting the attention that she wanted and yes, all of you were having such a great time. Mlcers do not like to see us having a good time in life. They want us to be as miserable as they are.
For now, I wouldn't be concerned too much as to where she is or if she's in crisis or not. Your concern and focus will need to be on you and your children. Dig deeper for patience because you will need a lot of that in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is the kind of thing I'm needing help with, hence moving here! Having never had a MLC, and not knowing anybody either, I'm a bit helpless when it comes to signs.
Patience. It's our 16th wedding anniversary on Thursday. I think that will be a sombre day. Somehow, I don't see any celebrations.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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