Yesterday's Gone, Tomorrow's not here... (5)

[Cherry]

It sounds like you're having a heck of a rollercoaster with your ww. But I must say the way you are handling it and getting on with your own thing is really admirable.

I strongly agree with the vets that if it comes to positive signs of them wanting to have another go at the r, they really need to make the moves and show remorse and take it slow. When I went through this last year. I pretty much jumped at the first sign of my h wanting back in. And it was great for a few months, then he dipped in and out. And now I find myself back here, pregnant with his 2nd child and alone.

Keep focused on you and taking each day as it comes, you're doing great

[pinn]

Thanks Cherry and Andrew for stopping by. It means the world.

I think I have been keeping a pretty level head in regards to her advances. She has never actually said sorry but has said things like ‘this is all my fault’ and ‘I don’t know what I was thinking’. She is the one who gives me some physical attention, I certainly do not initiate that. I need to see consistency from her. I do not understand this on and off again stuff. But I am tired. After 13+ months this is getting old fast. I walk around and see women in a completely new light now. If she brings up the no contact we have experienced lately, I am going to drop a truth bomb stating that she is the one with something to prove more or less. I feel like I am being forced in a R talk with her that I will have to initiate. We cannot continue like this. This is the worst situation to be in (yes I would much rather be divorced).

I do need some advice. I am so mad at myself. During one of our dinners a few weeks we discussed going to a sox game. So I looked over the schedule and the only weekend game available upcoming was for this Saturday… about 4 weeks out. I said to myself… I can’t do that, it’s too far out, who knows what things will be like then. I even mentioned it to her the following weekend. She says.. far away? It is in three weeks and I really want to go with you. Too me, three weeks is an eternity. So fast forward to now. We haven’t spoken in days and all positive momentum has been lost. I have zero interest in going as buddies. What would you do? I think I am going to wait and see how things go the next few days and if nothing happens then give them away later this week. I’ll take this as another lesson learned.

[AndrewP]

pinn - my W still hasn't contacted me about anything R related but it's only been a few weeks since she walked out. IF she does reach out I'm expecting a similar monologue as my W pretty much never said "sorry" for anything in all our years married. I'm still not sure how I'll handle it.

One major thing for me to even consider talking to her would be that she would have to end the A and do a solid dumping of OM. There's really no point in my mind of talking to her while that is an option for her. I'm not interested in being part of any sort of comparison shopping she may be doing. I don't recall reading anywhere that your WW has cut off her A or not.

Another way to look at it - you wouldn't want to engage in a R with a woman who was already in one. If OM is still around she is in one with him and that makes you more the OM/OM - a role that I'm sure none of us want.

Is she your "buddy" or are you her cake baker? Sorry - harsh words here I know. I hope you have physical custody of the Sox tickets - I'm sure you can either find someone else to go with or enjoy the freedom of an empty seat beside you to hold your drink and ball glove.

[MoveFrwd]

This is the worst situation to be in (yes I would much rather be divorced).

Why would being divorced be better?

If you ant to be divorced, why not file yourself?

[pinn]

Thanks again Andrew. I don't know if my WW had an affair or not. Of course I think she did but I don't think about it. Who knows.

wow dark... Are you sure you weren't here before?!? One of my favorite posters spoke just like and said this same thing to me before. Makes me wonder...

Anyway, filing myself is an option though I think it would be to my benefit financially if she did it or if we agreed to it. Agreeing to it might be what she is angling for, no idea.

I love this question of why would divorced be better. It is finality. Once we are D, I'll never speak to her again, I can't. It's not fair to me, to her or anyone we would be with. I also cannot be in a relationship with anyone until we are divorced, my conscious will not allow it. I should be at the beginnings of starting a family at this point not going through this. That's how it would be better. I mean, I am basically divorced now anyway, just not officially.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn! Happy Monday!

I want to pose some questions that were essentially posed to me by the awesome KML over in the MLC thread--- these are not verbatim at all, but these types of questions got me thinking really hard.... It's not necessarily DBing, but it's real and when folks like you and I who are in fairly young marriages without children... It may be ok to take a different approach to DBing. As you know, it's about saving yourself first.

Do you really want your ww back?
What makes her the best marriage partner for you?
What is her stance on children/family?
Do you think she's going to be a great mom to your future children?

Believe me, nothing was going to prevent me from standing for my marriage- nothing. Come hell or high water, I was going to stand forever because I made a promise in front of God, my friends and family..... For better for worse, till death parts us. I meant those words with every ounce of my being. But enough time has passed and I'm a different person than I was a year ago... I'm not so sure I want to be in a r with my h anymore. In fact, I'm 98% sure I don't. We had issues/ he had issues..... Yes, I think I am capable at working through those issues now.... But the sad thing is, I'm not sure he's worth it anymore. I'm not. He would not be a good father.... Even if he worked through his childhood issues.... His commitment track record tells me otherwise ( with business, friends, me). Would I risk it knowing this was a possibility? A very real possibility?

If you let go.... It's ok. It has to be the right decision for you. Yes... That's anti DB, but I think you've done what you can. Just look at the situation realistically. She has a track record of this behavior....

[pinn]

Thanks Feyth... you are the best. Those are some deep questions. She would be a great mom but I am not sure she wants kids. She always said she did but was she just saying that because she knew I wanted them?? Every time I tried to actually talk about it she would not want to... I guess that is a clue that she really didn't?? I don't know. I would like to ask her sometime.

The first two questions I have to really think about. The pattern of this behavior is really concerning. hmph.

What are your next steps or are you just continuing with the status quo??

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn,
Don't mean to hijack your thread, but to answer your question... I guess I'm continuing with the status quo. I didn't want the d so I'm not filing, but the feelings that I had towards h don't exist. I can't even muster feelings up. I think THIS is what they mean by emotional detachment. Literally, the feelings have exited the building. It's just nothing.... It's a little sad, but it's not bad at all. With the absence of those feelings I'm actually happy... I mean it.... I have joy in my life right now. All those threads that connect emotions to h have been cut I guess.

Of course, this has been the norm for a week or so now, so who knows what can happen next week!

Keep on keeping on, buddy!

[pinn]

Ahh I see...That emotional detachment is great! Keep doing your thang!

Been an interesting week. WW final sent a text earlier in the week after about a week of NC. She said: "You haven't said two words to me in over a week...". I said "Oh I'm sorry, did I miss your two words?" with the mischievous/ sarcastic emoji (I love that guy). I then dropped a bit of a truth dart saying that it is certainly not my responsibility to keep communication going, it is on her. Is that proper DB'ing?? Don't know and didn't really care, I was getting tired of it. Anyway, she didn't take too kindly to that but at least it got a conversation going.

My mother had not been feeling and had to go to the ER on wed night and remains there.. but she is doing better and should be going home soon.

So the communication with WW improved during the week. She asked if I still wanted to go the ball game, I said yes, so we went last night. It was a great time, just like the old days. She again does some physical things (hand holding, arm an arm, kiss etc), but I still am not comfortable with it.

So obv I am in a tough spot. If you read through this thread, my mind swings wildly from D to not, and everywhere in between. Not really sure how to handle things. I see women who I am interested in everywhere now (my mom ended up on cute nurse floor I swear!).

[AndrewP]

My mother had not been feeling and had to go to the ER on wed night and remains there.. but she is doing better and should be going home soon.

So obv I am in a tough spot. If you read through this thread, my mind swings wildly from D to not, and everywhere in between. Not really sure how to handle things.

pinn - Great to hear that your Mom is doing better.

I would suggest perhaps cooling down with the dating etc of your WW. From outside it looks like she's deliberately manipulating you into baking her a cake.