HaWho, I had to laugh at your H's response that he's sorry you feel that way. I swear, sometimes I think they've been reading the same material we do!
I find it interesting that he's dropping hints about his dorm room being unsatisfactory. If you recall, I was getting the same hints about my H staying with his parents. I think in my case it was a testing of the waters to see where my head was at because when I offered, he declined (until he had no other choice). Just some food for thought.
I'd take kml's advice. Don't "apologize" for the way you may have behaved in the past, but do acknowledge that you understand how difficult that may have been for him.
And, I'm right there with you, my sister, when it comes to how you think your H feels about you. It is very sobering to stand for so long and tolerate so much and realize that in their minds there is no movement at all when it comes to their decision that the R is completely over.
Much love to you, HaWho. 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Geez HW. They really have a way of twisting themselves into being the noble hero in all of this, don't they!? Does your H really believe he is doing you all a favor? I remember when my H threw at me that his priority was work so that we could keep our lifestyle and I should be grateful because I had the house. I wanted to say, thank you! For keeping us separated, living 2 different lives, making S go back and forth between 2 homes....it's what we always dreamed of!! I suppose they need to see it that way to justify their anger, but I believe deep down they know it's not right, and I think they struggle with that.
I love KML idea of a response. I may even use it myself, having had my own mini crisis. It's honest and validating and something good for your H to hear.
Maybe take what he said with a grain of salt. You know how they are all over the place, it may have been just how he felt at the moment, it seems to change at times.
I wish I had some good advice for you. My thoughts are with you and your family often. Stay strong and positive, your humor and wit during this are admirable.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I always think the 'woe is me' mentality is pretty central to MLC. MLCers make some poor choices without really taking responsibility for them and then wonder why life is unfolding as it is for them.
I hear you on the decent and genuine thing. Those were the very words my XH used...that he hoped I'd appreciate that was the guy he is. Um - deciding to start dating other women without ever telling me you were unhappy in our R - no that isn't decent and genuine actually...but I guess we all have our narrative about situations.
Anyway, it sounds as though you are handling things with your usual aplomb. I'm sure it can't be at all easy, but do try and take up opportunities for kindness and compassion towards him - alongside truth darts and boundary setting...truly though - I don't know how you manage to do so well. I'm not sure I could manage it.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi H, I don't have nothing to add to what everyone else has already said, just wanted you to know that as always I am supporting you from the sidelines and you are in my thoughts.
You always amaze me; being so clear on your goal and determined, hanging on in there despite all that your h throws at you. We here get to have a chuckle over your h's antics (you write so well and descriptively) but you are the one living it, and to be able to do it with so much understanding is a real credit to your commitment to him.
Look after yourself, I hope the bee in his pants over living in the dorm room of gloom leaves his thoughts soon ....although that probably means he will move on to something else ...phew, you are one seriously patient lady HaWho !!
Thanks, KML, 2T, Mleigh, Sotto and Lou. I so appreciate all your wonderful support. Sotto, yes, I do need to try to show him kindness too, given all the truth darts he's taken.
KML - special thanks for all your questions and advice. So I did send the text pretty much as KML wrote it. It was perfect and true. He never responded. And I expected that. But it felt good for me. Also, come fall, I am going to look for a better job. As for all your questions, KML, in general, my h was a good man who was a good provider. But by limiting my contact with him I see that he is a classic distancer (SO exhausting) and he has many issues within that need resolving. I am going to keep moving forward and let's see how far he comes along. I guess at this point what matters most is how much distance is he going to be able to cover? Is he stuck here on Crazy Street? Is he only going to inch forward? Or is he going to start doing some long jumping at some point?
There have been some interesting MLC moments this week. After I truth darted him about spending on himself vs. the kids, h did a bit of running; now I see the pattern of his avoidance.
On Saturday, I came home and he was in the living room. That, sadly, is in and of itself worthy of posting.
The next day he was in the living room again, when S12 and I returned home. Poor h. S12 says: (genuinely surprised) "what are you doing out here?" And then out of my mouth slipped: "geez, I didn't think you knew this room existed." H made an exaggerated chuckling sound (kind of like 'hardy har har'). He told us he was there because it was nice and quiet (we were all out). He waited a few minutes and then left back to his MLC incubator. Lovely. (I remember feeling the same way in my depression. In fact, when h and kids would come home, before they came in, I would go upstairs. Sad.).
Sunday, S10 decides to run a lemonade stand. He asks me to take him. I know this ticks h off. He thinks he should be asked. As we are leaving I invite him, too. He mumbles that both of us don't need to go. He stays home and watches TV. Lame.
As we are out, h texts me that he has ordered 3 emergency hurricane kits for the cars. I thank him (but I want to say, can you just sell the stupid third car so it doesn't need an emergency kit?). He is trying to show me he is a good guy after I nearly stabbed him to death telling him he puts himself #1. I also laugh. It's just so weird. He is prepared for all these crazy fluke things and yet can't see how lost he is day-to-day.
He is on some sort of 'disaster watch kick.' A week ago, he told the kids he was watching a special on how to survive in the woods. And he thinks he now knows how to kill a bear. Umm, great. Now can you work on figuring out how to be in another room of this house?!? (In addition to the hurricane kits he also bought us bug spray for Zika prevention. He's already using it and he smells like a walking citronella candle.)
I have noticed that in addition to fears about aging and death, he has all sorts of other fears, like those above.
Anyway, while at the lemonade stand, after he told me he ordered those kits, I sent h a pic of son running his lemonade business. H said he would come down. We were folding up as he arrived: all sold out! It is odd. H is 'here' physically but as I've said before, he's sort of like a piece of furniture.
Last night he was truth darted over the missing laptop. The kids were asking for their wii as h put it away for a while. H joked he didn't know where it was. And out of my big, fat mouth slipped a joke: 'oh, maybe it's with your laptop.' Ohh, he got an angry look. He made a snide comment about how 'odd' that all was. And then he got truth darted to death by both sons. S12: "are you again going to accuse me of stealing it?" S10: (with big eyes and nodding his head like he is validating a crazy person) "oh, yesssss, I stole your laptop even though we already have our own" (they use mine). Then S10 gave h an exaggerated pat on the shoulder like it was all going to be okay. I think S10 is destined to work in the mental health profession. Sadly, this could be his internship.
By the end of the night the wii "reappeared" to its old spot. And h was laughing like his old self. He said he didn't know how it got there, it just turned up there. He had S10 in stitches.
H showed up in the master bedroom last night. He knocked as I was already in bed reading. He asked if he could look for some thicker socks. He has bug bites and is worried about Zika. I am expecting him to start walking around in a bee keeping suit.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
All I can say is OMG! He swings from one side of the spectrum and then to the other side. Now, it's all about being prepared for an emergency and bugs. Next, he'll swear he has flea bites.
I still think he knows where the laptop is and is just using that as a excuse to razz you and the boys. It's funny how he's not been going off on that topic for a bit.
Since Christmas is only 4 mths away, get him a butterfly net as a present. He just might need it. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OMG - Job, I am going to kidnap you and take you to Vegas. Guess who is flea bombing his dorm room today? No joke!!!
The craziest thing is the only person who could be transporting fleas into that lock-down dorm room is him! The dog hasn't been in there for months! Top secret; no one is allowed access. I am waiting for him to accuse the dog of making a duplicate key.
The other day he sent me four messages that were clearly butt texts. They all looked something like this: fcvjdhd /-":&;
I was so close to saying "wow, this is the MOST sense you have made in two years!" I seriously wanted to send it. But then he texted me saying "sorry for the accidental butt texts. I ordered pizza and will bring it home in a 1/2 hour." So then, I didn't have the heart to poke fun at him.
Fleas?!?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
If the bug bites were largely below the knees - yes, he might have fleas.
Otherwise - people with paranoia often imagine bugs, especially if their paranoia is due to stimulant drugs like meth or diet pills.
Do you suspect him of any drug abuse? Does he have any medical problems that could lead to paranoia (hyperthyroidism, B12 deficiency to name a couple)?
KML - I don't suspect drug abuse. That said, who can really say with certainty, right? As for B12 levels he just had a physical and he goes to the doctor frequently. He has them test all that. I assume it would have been picked up?
H is still bent on planning for all sorts of disaster scenarios. After giving me the emergency survival backpack for my car, a few days later, he gave me a bottle of about a million ibuprofen. (The bottle is so big I can hardly get my wrist around it. It can double as a weapon.) I thanked him. Then yesterday he gave me a can opener and a flint (so I can start a fire when the world ends). He has been watching one of those 'how to survive in the woods' series and he is clearly, quite influenced by it.
He is very stuck on old memories. As I mentioned, he is spending more time with the boys. S12 told me he talks a lot about his middle school and high school years. He seems to be reliving his glory days. From the stories son is re-telling to me, h seems to be a legend in his own mind.
On Sunday at dinner, h spread out his mashed potatoes and made a face in them. I think that could have been the little boy. Maybe?
Yesterday, when he came home, I was playing chess with S10. H came in and made eye contact, gave me the can opener and flint and then watched our game. He was engaging and so present. He was following the moves well and seemed so like his old self.
Last night, h took S10 to practice and I was opening windows to cool off the house. I was opening a window down by the dorm room and when I turned around I saw that the door to the MLC incubator was wide open! He left and didn't lock it. And then, all the scenarios start running through my mind: he did it to set a trap. He probably has lasers and cameras angled everywhere. Or, he did it to accuse me of somehow getting in there and then forgetting to cover my tracks by re-locking the door. Or maybe he is airing it out from the flea bomb?
Who knows? I didn't go near it. And when he came home I didn't receive a nasty text accusing me of picking his lock.
He did mention the missing computer at dinner the other night. It was subtle but he said something like it was stolen and how weird it was. He did not say it in an accusatory fashion.
As for me, I feel like I am in a good place. It's the best emotional, physical and spiritual place I have been in yet since MLC struck my life. I feel my old calmness returned to me. I used to be a very calm, patient person.
I had a dream that he left and I was fine with it. I accepted it and looked forward to my future. For the first time I knew I could pull my kids through it. I am already doing it. Most days, despite the fact that I live in this crazy limbo, I look forward to my future, whatever it may be. I look at what I have survived in my life and I realize I can withstand some pretty hard knocks.
It's kind of crazy, but I am happy much of the time. Not all of the time. But, I find much joy in day-to-day life and I have rediscovered humor all around me. Thanks to everyone here. I could never have gotten to this point without you all. Job, you are an angel on earth. Special thanks to everyone else. I won't name everyone as I know I will inadvertently leave a few off.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your h may have been influenced by the "how to survive in the words" series, but I also think he's been seeing and hearing a lot about how the weather is affecting everyone. You have the wildfires in CA, flooding in LA, tornados popping up, etc. He's got a very concerned and scared little boy inside of him that wants to make sure everyone has what they need in case of a disaster. I wonder if he lived thru a disaster as a child and it's coming back to him how he felt back then.
I had a chuckle over the mashed potatoes. Yep, the child came out to play and maybe he was trying to tell you something w/the face in the potatoes. One can only guess at this one.
As for leaving the dorm room door open, again, could have been a accident or he could have deliberately left it open to see if you would venture forth. You don't know if he's put a camera in there or not, but evidently you passed the test! LOL!
As for the laptop stolen...how in the world does he know this? It could just be misplaced somewhere and he's forgotten about it. Something tells me he knows what happened.
As for you...you are doing wonderfully. Your sense of humor has been a God send for you. Keep up the good work. Laughter is the best medicine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
