2T, I think the growth is the only guaranteed good thing that can come out of the limbo we go through. I would even go as far as saying that I believe if a R survives this it can be better, and if it doesn't w are better "candidates" for future happy relationships. I don't know, the more I reflect in my part in our marital problems, the more I appreciate the personal development and the opportunity to change.
Make the post it note with those key words, you've put up with too much for too long, it's time for you to put you first xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
...I would even go as far as saying that I believe if a R survives this it can be better, and if it doesn't w are better "candidates" for future happy relationships. I don't know, the more I reflect in my part in our marital problems, the more I appreciate the personal development and the opportunity to change...
Wiser words have seldom been spoken.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
KML, thank you for the index card idea. I'll use it!
Esame, your words are very wise, indeed. This whole mess brings on a lot of self-examination and a lot of opportunity to grow and become a better person. I believe that regardless of the outcome, I will come out of this a much better person - one who is more confident, self-assured, self-reliant and knowledgeable about and comfortable with who I am and who I want to be.
It's so funny to me. H keeps talking about finding happiness. I've learned that you can't be happy in life unless you're happy with yourself. I'm very happy with who I've become and continue to become. A very valued gift from this journey.
I saw the business attorney a few days ago and I didn't really get the answers I was looking for. I wanted advice on what steps to take to exit the business and insure that nothing would come back to haunt me.
She started advising me on what I should do to "protect" myself (most of which I've already done). Okay, fine. I get she's trying to look out for my interests. But at this point, I don't think H has any desire to harm me financially and if I did some of things the attorney suggested, it would start WWIII. H would go on the warpath and there would be absolutely no possibility of a civil D. It would get ugly fast.
Right now, he feels guilty and (sorry to say this) I can use that to get him to treat me fairly. I've used the past three years to get myself in a position of not needing money from H but still need to avoid losing what I have in a D settlement. Poking the bear would not be in my best interest at this point.
I'll be moving on to the next attorney on the list or let my D attorney choose a business attorney he's worked with before. That may be the best option.
I've pretty much resolved in my mind that a D will take place and I may be the one to start the process. The thing about the drugs pushed me over the edge, I think.
It truly saddens me to see what H has and is doing to his life. He's lost my family (my kids don't want the vanishing Grandpa around their kids), he's lost his family, he's about to lose his M and I expect the business will be next. Complete self-destruction of everything he worked so hard to build. For what? Parties, booze, drugs and sex. So, so sad.
But enough of that.
I hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful weekend.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T, try not to worry about what H is losing, and think about what you will be gaining. Think about the changes you can make in your life to make it what you have wanted it to be for so long, the things you can control.
I printed up the quote from Jack three beans "Life is about how you handle plan B". It is so so true for us here. We can strive to make plan B so much better than what we are currently dealing with!
Sorry the attorney didn't help much, I think talking to another would be a good step.
I hope you can find some peace once you get past some of these tougher steps. Just handle one thing at a time, don't try to decide about everything at once, it will feel overwhelming. Seems your main focus is to first, exit the business. Try to stay focused on that only, the other decisions can come later, right?
Hang in there, sending positive thoughts your way. ((Hugs)) M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
2T any news from the second attorney? I hope that went better than the first, sometimes I wonder why people that lack basic diplomatic skills chose careers in law.
I hope you are keeping well
(((Hugs)))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, thanks for the shout out. I'm doing ok I suppose. H comes back in about 4 days and I always get antsy beforehand. I'm wondering if he's come up with a counter-proposal to my D proposal. My manipulation, sweet-talk, lie detector is on high.
I haven't had much interaction with H. I've pretty much been dark except for the weekday calls to the office. I get my business "report" out of the way and try to wrap things up quickly.
I've been quite busy at the office. I've been putting together a "how-to" file for all the tasks I do (bookkeeping, payroll, tax payments, etc.) It never really occurred to me before just how much I do that no one else here knows how to do. Some know bits and pieces, but that's the extent ... just bits and pieces. When I'm done, anyone in the office (who I give access to my file) should be able to do everything I do short of signing a check.
It's been kind of a downer doing all that, but I honestly just don't see any outcome to all this other than a D and the more I think about that and the person H has become, the more I realize that D is actually in my best interest.
H could come home tomorrow and make every apology under the sun, but I just can't imagine him ever convincing me he wanted to come back for any reason other than money and what I bring to the business. That's a pretty lousy foundation for a relationship and looking back over the past few years, it seems that his been "his" foundation. I want (and deserve) more.
His lying has become outrageous and non-stop, not only to me but to our operations manager (and she is on to him). I honestly wonder if he's even capable of telling the truth anymore. And he lies so effortlessly over absolutely stupid stuff. It's as though he actually believes what he's saying to be the truth. I ask myself if I could ever fully believe him again ... trust that he's being honest with me, and I just don't see it happening. I fear there would always be this tiny seed of doubt lurking in my mind or that some innocent little thing would send my mind into a tailspin making me think he's being dishonest when he wasn't. Again, not a good foundation to build on.
And since this is our second go-round with this kind of stuff (MLC Part 2), I can't imagine ever living a day with him when I didn't fear he'd just do all this again. I can see myself with this constant worry that he'll do it again 6, 7, 8 years from now. I don't want to live that way.
There are so many other things that I just can't imagine doing or feeling with him again. He's done so much damage that I question how I could ever get past it all. There's just so much there. It's overwhelming to me.
And then, there's the drugs and the anger control issues. I actually talked to my IC yesterday about not doing anything to "poke the bear" because I was afraid of bringing that anger to the surface.
I just don't need, nor do I want, all that in my life.
So, I'm getting things in order to leave him. The how-to files at the office are so there isn't a great deal of disruption there. Our employees are great people and I don't want my and H's personal issues to adversely impact them. They don't deserve that.
That's where things stand at the moment.
H's visit should be interesting. I'm ready ... just not looking forward to dealing with him.
Other than all that, I find myself wanting to just be a vegetable ... wanting to just sit and think ... without a great deal of motivation to do anything else. I suppose it's normal. This whole thing saddens me. But I force myself to get up, get moving, get out of the house. Some days, it's tough. Then I think I can't be "up and on" all the time, given the circumstances, so I try to cut myself some slack and give in to the "lack of motivation" sometimes - feel the sadness and learn to let it go. The most important thing, though, is I know this won't last forever and I am going to be fine and happy again.
In the meantime, I love college football and the season has started, so the distraction is most welcome each Saturday. It's kind of hard to veg out when my favorite team in on the screen.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I'm sorry it's come down to you seriously thinking of ending your marriage, but I do understand. Just make sure you have your ducks in a row.
If you feel up to getting out this weekend and want to take in a movie, I recommend Sully. I just came back from seeing this movie and I would go again. Clint Eastwood did a heck of a job directing it and Tom Hanks and all of the actors did an outstanding job. When the movie was over, everyone stood up and clapped. That's how good it was for a 1:30 showing and it was packed!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
